Hi! I’d really love some advice on this situation. Some underlying problems are starting to cause fractures. We’re living together, there’s a potential baby and plans for marriage, buying a house in the mix so I want to try my best and need more external feedback. She is a lovely, kind person and I think we can work things out. I need advice on some challenges. Apologies for the length, as I need to explain the background.
My partner (40F) comes from Hong Kong, where work is high stress, long hours, high standards and highly competitive. I’m from Australia and I’m from a region where it is generally more laid back, easy going, we work to live. She is proud of where she is from, how it has shaped her and believes it makes her somewhat exceptional. However when something bad happens, she often says “this is annoying, it wouldn’t have happened in Hong Kong.”
Her previous serious relationship was high stress and abusive. He would expect her to cook, clean and would ‘test her’ with questions on his hobbies. She says this helped her become stronger, but it was traumatic. It ended with an abortion he forced her to have and sent her into depression.
She decided to come to Australia in a regional / metro area (for Americans, think of San Diego, or Austin Texas) for study. She thought it was boring initially but enjoyed the change of pace, nature and lack of stress. We met. She returned to HK, where she ended up quitting her job due to stress and burnout.
She came back with financial help from her parents, got a Master’s in Business management. We had remained in touch and we started a serious relationship when she was finishing her masters studies.
She works 3 – 4 jobs, 7 days a week, ~ 60 hours or more a week. She completes tasks efficiently and to a high standard and expects others to do the same (they generally don’t). Managers promote or rely on her.
For her retail job, the Manager asked her to do one manual handling task repeatedly over Xmas 24 (she was faster than 2 – 3 people). It was long hours, unsafe but she continued to do it despite my concerns / warnings. She sustained an injury she didn’t report, didn’t get treated (Chinese medicines first) until it was serious and continued to work through without rest. It’s been 8 months and it still hasn’t healed, it is looking like it might be a permanent injury that gives her pain daily. She says this wouldn’t have happened in Hong Kong, they have much better Doctors / specialists, you don’t need to rest very much. She really dislikes her manager and blames them solely for causing the situation. She is lodging a claim for compensation. She is frustrated and annoyed with the health and safety procedures, “they’re stupid, it wouldn’t have happened in Hong Kong.” She has refused any of my help or advice. She values and relies on other ex – Hong Kong expats for their advice.
She is not happy about how much I spend my free time on the computer and especially playing games. If I am really enjoying a new game (Victoria 3),there’s no chores that need to be done, I might stay up late playing games. She thinks it is damaging to my health, a waste of time and I could be doing things more useful. She would like me to spend 1 – 2 hours max on the computer daily and attend a gym regularly. I said if I had a 6 pack and muscles, run a marathon, clean the house, food cooked, would she would still be okay with me playing computer games for more hours? No. She wants me to sleep a regular time. I find this challenging as I strongly suspect I have ADHD (psych appointment for assessment next week), so I quickly become immersed in things I enjoy and lose track of time. She disagrees, thinks I am fine, and she does not like feeling like my mother to remind me to go to bed.
We found out she was pregnant just before we went visit her family in Hong Kong. She stopped taking her anti-depression medicine. I loved meeting her family, they are so nice, welcoming and relaxed. I enjoyed Hong Kong, it’s a busy metro city and everything is at a faster pace. My partner said I would struggle over there, I wouldn’t be able to keep up. By the end of the trip she said I would be able to live there if I wanted to, which I think was a big compliment.
On the trip she had a few outbursts of frustration and anger when problems raised, particularly when another person may have made a mistake or something did not meet her expectations. She thought I had gone through an electronic gate incorrectly (i hadn’t), yelled at me, ran off swearing and crying to a ticketing staff for a refund. Another time we nearly didn’t make it home on our flight, as the 3rd party booking agent did not add on our luggage in time. She was furious at the flight staff, “this shouldn’t happen, you need to fix it!”. She was so angry that she wasn’t able to understand the flight staff were trying to help us with alternatives so we could make our flight. I had to get her to be calm and quiet, and we resolved it. She hated the trip to a developing country because it took so long before we could get our luggage, which took us 2.5 hours before we got to the hotel. When we got home she apologized for all of this and said she really loves my patience.
Since we’ve been back, she’s been tired and continues to work 60 hours weeks.
Co-workers have told her to lower her expectations here. Friends have said she needs to rest more and slow down. I’ve asked her to take at least 1 day a week off from work to rest. She says that I don’t understand, she needs to pay her parents money back asap. Her Dad doesn’t expect it to be repaid, but she wants him to have the money so that he can use it for retirement. Her father works 6 – 7 days a week as a master painter, she says that “he is her hero” and if he can work long hours at his age, so can she. My Dad also worked in the trades and I tried to explain that they pace themselves and for experienced tradesmen, they work so well and know how to ensure that they rarely need to rush, they have usually have assistants / offsiders, some days they are not busy at all.
She moved out of her rental so we could live together. There’s a dispute about a small crack in the glass stovetop, she says it’s not her fault, but she doesn’t have the documents for the initial house handover / inspection. She is stressed out about the process, “this wouldn’t happen in Hong Kong, they are so incompetent.” She declined my help or advice and has reached out to ex- Hong Kong friends.
We ordered a bunch of house stuff from Taobao, as she said it would be cheaper than here. She’s stressed with the freight and the suppliers. The additional costs for freight have made it similar to buying here new. She’s asked me to cover for rent while she pays the freight, which I’m happy to do.
We had a small incident with some things not being cleaned by previous tenants in our new apartment. There was a long delay, miscommunication with the cleaners, agent and myself. Agent emailed me while I was at work, my partner emailed back demanding they complete the works asap. She got home and said she was frustrated and annoyed and thinking about it all day. She had more frustrations about how inadequate and inneffecient about where we live, “they do things much better in Hong Kong or somewhere else, it’s quite stupid, wasting my time, I have so many other things to do. They need to handle it.”
We had a heated discussion about her email, how she approaches problems and how I would like her to relax more and slow down. Sometimes people do need a kick up the bum, there was nothing wrong per se with her email. But it’s her quick fire, default method of resolving issues and it’s not very good, especially not long term in the culture and environment here. I don’t expect her to be a Monk, but can she lower the frustration and anger down a bit, work towards solving issues together with people? Can she be more slow to anger? Can she take at least one day off from work, to just rest and relax. Maybe she can enjoy a hobby?
She said that she was fine, she did nothing wrong. People have been wasting her time, incompetent, working stupid or poorly, unorganised and not up to her standard. “I don’t really understand her.” Things are a much higher standard in Hong Kong than here, things work much better.
I said she wasn’t adjusting to living here well, she is not in Hong Kong and things work differently here. I asked with all of her complaints and negative comparisons, does she like living here?
She said it was “just okay”, she needs to be here for another two years for her permanent residency, that I’m here and she hasn’t finished exploring yet. I didn’t understand why you would want to stay somewhere that is just “okay”, don’t you want to be somewhere great, you really enjoy? What do you want to explore? She didn’t want to talk about it more, as she needs to talk to a Hong Kong friend for their advice on an issue. I said maybe they understand her more and she can talk about finding places to explore. It’s been two days, I’m getting the quiet treatment. She has not really talked much to me since and refuses any help I suggest (can I make you a coffee, cook dinner or breakfast).
I’m strongly leaning towards getting relationship counselling. It’s quite hard to find a counsellor that fits within my partners non-work time. I know she is pregnant right now, off her meds, struggling with culture shock and the historical trauma of the ex’s behaviours. I expect I will need to make changes, I really want to get more healthy and learn Cantonese to talk to her family. I can cut back on computer gaming. I don’t know if sees any need to change, as she considers herself exceptional, she rejects any of my suggestions due to her ex, or if culturally she finds criticism difficult (despite telling me I can be honest with her, I don’t need to be soft). Would appreciate any advice.
If you read this far, thanks for reading.
Comments
It sounds primarily like a cultural clash to me. I am not sure if counseling would help unless you found someone who had a good understanding of where you both come from and would be able to help you meet in the middle. But also, I just had a baby July 3rd and my last stretch of pregnancy was AWFUL. It made all my worst personality traits come out at the same time because I was so uncomfortable, depressed, and angry. Pregnancy rage is the worst. And add on top of that she’s working like crazy, which I couldn’t physically handle during my last stretch of pregnancy at all. So I would say it’s possible that some of this is related to her getting to that same awful point and being unable to handle her emotions
Counseling would be a good place to start. She also may never be able to “chill” but hopefully she can compromise and let you do things you enjoy. Sounds stressful AF right now and I wouldn’t want to commit to a partner like that.
I think you should go to her OB appointments with her and ask the doctor what they think of how much she works and how much she’s putting on her body. They will probably warn her of the dangers of over doing it.
Yes relationship counselling. But you need to find someone who can help both with her trauma background and with the immigrant transition issues she is having. You do the research, find someone appropriate, she doesn’t need more on her plate.
For your part start actioning things. Don’t say I’m planning to learn Cantonese. Find a reputable in person course, book it. Then, find a study partner and commit to daily short practice and regular longer practice sessions. You’ve got 9 months before the baby is born, that’s more than enough time to get the basics down.
Figure out by yourself how to deal with the stove issue.
Look for ways you can just do things instead of asking her. Set a schedule for who cooks when. Take things off her plate. What things can you do that, she is doing. Just do them.
Make sure her ob is on top of assessing her for depression and other issues during the pregnancy and after. She is highrisk for PPA and PPD. Its also a geriatric pregnancy which has its own issues.
It seems she can’t jump straight into relaxing. So plan activities that have relaxing as a vague side benefit. Lower stress than than her usual activities, let her adjust then over time plan activities with a slightly lower stress level and so on.
Perhaps regular walks – great for physical and mental health. (You can add nature or photography savagery hunts if she needs extra stimulation. Or bird watching etc). Pregnancy yoga?
Maybe try some passive relaxing things like using aromatherapy or music, herbal teas. (make sure all pregnancy safe). So the house itself is a relaxing environment.
Be in nature- grass, water are physically relaxing. Bring nature into the house. Get houseplants. (You look after them)
Creative projects might work. She achieves something tangible, new skills etc but are relaxing. Drawing, painting, crochet, knitting, embroidery etc. Maybe there is something you can do together.
Do baby prep. Read the books, do research, be an active participant or even a solo shopper in acquiring baby stuff (and washing it and organising it). Be ready (as you can) to parent and be a support for her postpartum.
Did she go off her meds under guidance from her doctor? Some antidepressants you can take during pregnancy. Some you need to wean off. Maybe a convo with the doc is needed.