TW: CSA, EA
We have been married for almost 18 years. Throughout our marriage, I have been the recipient of emotional abuse, including ignoring or discarding my advances for sexual connection, turning difficult conversations around where I am telling him that something hurt and I end up apologizing. We made things work fairly well for many years. He is a great dad to our kiddo. Over the past 3 years, I have been in therapy, working on myself, my depression, and my anxiety. I have worked through much of it, and am now starting a more intensive therapy to work through some of my own childhood trauma from a divorce and from bullying.
Last week, I had made the decision to end the marriage. I wrote a letter, and then rewrote it several times. I decided to share it with him on Friday. That night, he finally shared something huge. He shared that we was a victim of childhood sexual assault. The assault started around age 6 and continued into his teens and 20s. He was victimized by many people. His parents never knew anything. He never spoke up. He has lived with this his entire life.
I am grateful that he has shared this truth. I finally have some understanding of why he has treated me the way he did. I understand why he had certain reactions. But I have been living with someone who wasn’t willing to share this part of themselves for so long. Only once I said divorce did he finally open up. Over the years, especially as of late, I have spoken to him about how he was treating me. I would tell him I needed time and touch. I would tell him I needed to be taken on a date. It never changed.
He finally got connected with a therapist. He had his first appointment today. He is making strides. But I don’t know that I want to. I want to walk this journey with him, but I don’t know that I want to do this as his wife. What would you do (or have done)?
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I get why he didn’t speak up but timing is everything here. I think it’s just a way to guilt you into staying. You can walk this walk with him while still getting divorced if you truly want that, but I would be seeking my own peace after 18 years of emotional abuse and neglect.
He’s making himself the victim so you don’t leave.
I would be continuing with separation. On principle, I’d avoid dating / getting involved with anyone for quite awhile after a long marriage to allow yourself to heal.
He can work with a therapist still.
You can keep an eye out for his changes. Divorce takes a long while with kids in the picture. You can foot-drag somewhat and not rush to finalize.
If he’s able to continuously improve over 6+ months, maybe you consider reconciliation.
But I wouldn’t ease up on separation/divorce unless there’s sustained improvement.
I have two questions:
What were your reasons for wanting to divorce him?
Do you believe that his efforts to understand and better cope with his SA history, with the support of a therapist, will also involve addressing and resolving those reasons?
If you’re not sure how to answer that question, you could ask your husband for his perspective, but it may just come down to your own trust levels. And it’s also worth noting that if he just had his first appointment today, he may not have an immediate answer, so you may also need to consider how long you’d be willing to wait to find out.
If it were me, I’d still leave. I personally do not get with people who have mental or emotional issues, because I have that choice to not go through the unnecessary trouble they will cause. Other people may be less straightforward than me, but that’s my bias.
You can leave for whatever reason you want. You’re not happy, and it’s his fault things got to where they are now. It’s great he wants to work on himself now, but hey man, too little too late.
His sharing was a reaction to your decision to leave. If you hadn’t brought it up, neither would he. He could have tried to get help at any point in the last 18 years.
Maybe he will he able to work through it and become a better person for his next relationship.
He’s 48. He’s had years to address this. I get he’ll say he wasn’t ready but that’s not yours to carry. Leave without any guilt.
You could try giving it 6 months and seeing if there is an actual change. I know the timing is suspicious, I’m not knocking that but sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to be able to do things or admit things, and when it comes to sexual assault there’s no time line or a specific way for a person to deal. Each person is different. If you still love him, you can make the choice to stick by him or not it’s up to you. But you’ve already even married 18 years what’s another 6 months to see if this actually changes him for the better? Opening up to you probably brought him an extreme amount of comfort he didn’t know he needed. In today’s society men opening up about their feelings but especially opening up about being sexually assaulted is hard because of the toxic masculinity in today’s society. I’m saying this as a woman to woman. I know it’s hard to look on the inside and see from his pov but it’s a lot different for men than it is for women to come to terms with things like this. (I know it’s hard on both I’m not knocking women just saying it’s hard to men to show true emotions in this society) he could change and be the person you want him to be or he could not, I just feel like 6 months isn’t that bad of a wait to see if he does. Idk tho
His trauma explains but doesn’t excuse years of emotional neglect. You’ve already grieved this marriage his progress doesn’t erase your pain. Support his healing as a friend if you choose, but prioritize your well-being. Leaving is valid.
You deserve peace.
P.S.: Therapy for him is great; too late for us isn’t your fault.
Go ahead with your plans for a better future for yourself. You have already sacrificed enough for this man and you don’t owe him anything more. Proceed with the divorce and offer nothing more than friendship at best when it doesn’t drain you.
After all, he has been your abuser for years. Why would you give anything more to him? I can guarantee he wouldn’t take on the tasks of being the emotional support for his abusers and simply you being an adult at the time of your abuse does not excuse that.
As a victim of childhood abuse and neglect myself, I understand what he is facing but I also knew that my life up to the time I started therapy wasn’t quite right and took steps to address it rather than abusing someone else. Although somewhat understandable (males tend to be more aggressive in their response), it is not totally excusable. He knew that he was hurting you but did nothing to address it.
He and only he can do the work on himself. At this point, outside of being his victim, the situation is not your circus and not your monkeys.
Maybe someday he will give you a genuine apology for the harm he has done (but I have my doubts that he will admit to and face that and is more likely to blame you for abandoning him when he needed you most), but I would keep him at a distance. There is no guarantee that when he comes out the other end that he would be someone that you would want to be with.
Be very clear with him why you are leaving. Cc his therapist so he can’t sugarcoat the circumstances of your divorce. He of all people should understand that one does not stay in an abusive situation and he has killed off any love that you once had for him.
Also go for full custody of any minor children. He is not going to be in a fit state emotionally and mentally to be responsible for them at this time.
Disagreeing with you and not wanting to have sex with you are not emotional abuse. Fine, you’re not happy, you’re not into him anymore, and you can’t see it ever improving. Those are valid reasons to divorce someone, just say that. Painting him as a criminal is a way for you to manage your guilt, one that will cause him genuine suffering. Unless it really is true, don’t say it.
And no, you won’t be walking beside him but not as his wife. He will probably experience your decision as brutal rejection and betrayal. Then the custody and money disputes will begin. They tend to pulverize whatever was left of the relationship. Odds are that you will end this as either strangers or as enemies.
That’s heartbreaking, but it doesn’t change your current situation or the problems in your marriage.
In the end, you have to take care of you. If you’re unhappy, you’re unhappy. As for him, its terrible that this trauma has followed him so far through life, but there are still consequences for his actions. If someone is SA’d as a child, and they end up SA’ing a child when they grow up, we can all understand how horrific that is, and we can see WHY it happened, but the person still has to face consequences.
Although you may feel for what he’s been through his actions have had a serious emotional impact on you and your wellbeing. You have to put your happiness first.
Had anyone suggested therapy for you? You’ve been through a lot as well. Heartbreaking as child abuse is,there is an impact on spouses too. I was married to a woman with sexual abuse issues. She and I were both not healthy enough to stay married. (No kids though)
He is not making strides, he’s just dipped his toe in the water, he has a life time of healing to do, there’ll be many ups and downs. Whether you stay or go is up to you, but therapy could help you unravel the negative experience over the years.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like you’re willing to sacrifice your family for your happiness.
I know a couple who went through something similar. After 20+ years of marriage and occasional vicious fights (verbal, not physical) he broke down and admitted to her about his childhood sexual trauma. They went into couples therapy together, and he went into intensive individual therapy as well. The wife decided she didn’t know who this guy was she married and on the advice of “friends” divorced him, despite him saying he needed more time to complete the therapy. She gave him all the time he needed (by divorcing him) and started dating around. Three years later, after breaking up the family and the dates drying up, after he’s completed therapy and put himself back together and considering a new relationship, she calls him up and tells him she wants him back. He tells her he’s not the same person he was before therapy and wasn’t sure and he didn’t want to put the kids back through the roller coaster. Finally he agreed to talk to a (new) couples therapist and let the therapist help them decide if it’s a good idea or not. He missed his kids and she wasn’t a very good co-parent. They remarried. Ten years later she had menopause and an emotional crisis and with her therapist discovered she’s a narcissist (surprise surprise). She’s still in therapy and slowly overcoming her anxieties. They’re still together, over forty years now, and seem the happiest they’ve ever been.
My point is that revealing childhood sexual trauma is the absolute last thing a guy wants to do and rather than manipulation, it’s a sign that he trusts you enough to finally open up (out of 7 billion people he picked OP to trust). It’s only manipulative if he’s lying about it and OP probably know him well enough to know if he’s being dishonest.
Second, therapy is like dynamiting your inner house and slowly putting the pieces back together in a way that is healthier for you and leads to (theoretical) happiness. By design, you are not going to be the same person coming out of therapy you were going in. Both OP and her spouse are in therapy. That means they’re both growing in new directions at the same time. On the other side will they still be compatible enough to remain married? Will they be strangers to each other? Unknown. It’s risky enough with one in therapy; with two 🤷. I recommend waiting until you both are on the other side of therapy before choosing divorce. Technically neither of you are in your right minds at the moment and the kids will be far more affected than you think (OP references divorce trauma, presumably her parents. Why revisit that trauma on her own kids?)
Is there a middle path? I would invite them to consider living apart while completing their therapy. A small apartment nearby would allow one parent time alone while the other stays at home with the kids, then switch after a week. Kids stay in childhood home, missing parent is “on a work trip, will be back next week”, their lives are minimally disrupted and each parent has two weeks a month alone to work on therapy. If after a while parents come to the conclusion that they can no longer be married, they can initiate dissolution of the marriage. If they decide to stay together, no more work trips and parents reunite at home. Anything this traumatic to the kids deserves more than enough time and level headed thinking prior to pulling the trigger.
I know OP has “made up her mind” but the person she’s divorcing is not the guy her husband is today. He’ll be a better person after successful therapy. Isn’t a wait-and-see worth it? She’ll always have her option to leave.
He is getting help only bc he was going to be affected, not because your needs or his love for you mattered. Think about that.
Too little, too late; that’s how I felt.
SEPARATE!
Let him work on himself, and if it works it, you’ll know! Don’t let him weaponized a trauma-dump to make excuses and get you to stay. He’s trying to get your guard down so you inevitably fold and stay. Tell him, he needs to focus on healing and NOT the marriage.
Reasons are not excuses. It doesn’t matter why someone treats you badly if you are being treated badly.
And it often doesn’t matter even someone DOES start treating you well after having treated you badly for an extended period of time, because you just don’t trust it- especially in a case like yours, where the behavior change appears solely motivated by selfish reasons.
My ex did the same thing. I said I wanted a divorce & all of a sudden they were willing to make changes & work on themself. I kept right on walking away & never looked back. And thank god I did not, because they are still every bit as miserable of a human to have to deal with years later.
I’m very sorry he’s had to live with this. I’m very sorry that you’ve had to live with the consequences of him not dealing with it until now.
Having said that – you can’t count on things improving just because he’s been willing to see a therapist. It takes a while to learn new coping skills and put them into place, and so far the two of you have had a relationship that allows him not to deal with things he doesn’t want to deal with. which might hold back his progress. You’ve been with him for 18 years; it’s completely fair to feel like you’ve spent as much time living like this as you feel you’re able to.
It would be kind to still be available to help him, but put your own oxygen mask on first. Your being there hasn’t helped him face his abuse so far. This might be something he just has to do himself.
I would leave, because he saw he was hurting you and was never moved to make a change until he stood to lose something. He had no trouble robbing you of joy for years, but now that he might be sad he’s ready to make a move? Sorry, no. His motivation is selfish even if his actions are positive. He should absolutely work on himself for his own sake, and the sake of his kids. Don’t give someone more of yourself when they have spent years showing you how much they don’t appreciate it.
Apology without change is just manipulation
Proceed with the divorce. Unresolved trauma doesn’t excuse abuse. It’s gonna take him years to work through all of this, be there to support him as a friend, but not as a wife.
It sucks but follow through on the divorce. Your husband has 28 years to get therapy for his issues and instead of doing so he victimized you. It’s a reason but not an excuse
Um, refusing your sexual advances is not emotional abuse. I don’t know what else he may have done, but that claim makes me question the rest of your account. And if you were badgering him for sex, I can understand why he didn’t tell you about his CSA. I doubt he saw you as a safe person.
If you want to try to save your marriage, the two of you could try counseling. But I think you need to do more work on yourself too.
I believe he’s telling the truth. Nonetheless, this is him turning it around on you to make you feel bad for him yet again. Stick to your guns. Your unhappiness was not enough for him to change. It’s only when it threatened to affect him that he decided to do anything.
Get into therapy. Before proceeding with separation, please try counseling.
Nobody’s calling attention to this because you are a woman, but him turning down your sexual advances is not emotional abuse. If a man uttered those words he would be GRILLED.
So you are saying, he knew he had problems and the reason why he had problems for over 18 years and only address them when you said you are leaving.
Yeah, pass. You can support him as ex-wife/friend.
Honestly I know people are quick to throw the narcissist label out there too often these days, but I was truly married to a narcissist, and he sounds just like him. This confession seems like an attempt to suck you back in. Like if you pity him, you will stay. The mistreatment alone tells me you should continue with the divorce. If he truly changes, you can slowly work to rebuild your marriage. If he doesn’t, you get your freedom!