How do I handle this situation for my kids? I 39 F got told today by my brother 44 M, that he is cutting contact with my parents, myself and my kids. Not only him but his entire family including my nieces and nephew. My daughter has a relationship with my niece and I’m not sure how to tell her as she’s only 9, and is still dealing with the loss of her dad, 2 years ago.
I never really had a great relationship with my brother, he joined the military at 19. He moved all around the world and finally landed 8 hours away from us. But we send each other updates on our kids, wish each other happy birthday, etc. we see each other about twice a year. My daughter talks to his daughter at least weekly, and they play online games together.
My parents and him have been struggling for years. He won’t commit to why their relationship has faltered, and him and his wife just keep pushing them away. Prior to today, the last they talked to them was the beginning of the month.
Today, he sent my parents a group text stating they were toxic to him and his family. And that he was blocking them, myself and my 2 children from contacting him and his family through the phone and all social media. No reason given other than toxic.
So, I privately texted him and his wife saying I’m not sure I understand what myself or my kids did to warrant this. And I understand they have an issue with my parents but I would like to remain in contact with them or at the very least allow my daughter and their daughter to remain in contact with each other.
Hours later I got a book of a text from just my brother separate from the message I had sent them. Basically he’s very mad at our mom, he would not even refer to her as mom. He said she’s manipulative and has been manipulating him and his wife for years, and that my dad just lets it happen. His examples were that when he was apparently diagnosed with autism 4 years ago (I didn’t even know this happened) my mom didn’t say anything and my dad made a joke. (I have no idea if this is true) The other example was that when my nephew had to have surgery they offered to come down and watch his daughters so both my brother and his wife could be in the hospital with my nephew. My parents did specify they had to leave by a certain day because they both still work and could only take off so much time. (My brother acknowledges this and states this) When that day came, they had to leave but my nephew was still in the hospital, which meant her parents, who are retired, had to leave their vacation early to come up and help. And the final issue was that this past December when my parents went down to visit them they brought my daughter but apparently didn’t ask. He goes on to say that they should have only been there for his kids. That while they were there my dad only talked about himself or played with the kids. And that my mom didn’t spend that much time with his kids. And then my parents apparently wanted to go to a museum with everyone but my brother didn’t want to go, so my parents took my daughter and his daughter instead. And then that my daughter and his daughter arent that close because my daughter doesn’t always answer when his daughter calls. But he was cutting me and my kids off because we still talk to my parents, and I’m either too blind or don’t care enough to see it. And that he hopes I can see it and break the generational curse.
I responded to his wall of text with my own wall of text. I acknowledged him and apologized that he went through those things. I told him I was proud of him for getting help for his issues with therapy. I apologized that I wasn’t there to help him his family more. I apologized that my daughter got brought down without his permission. I explained that my daughter does not always answer the phone, but she does care about his daughter. She’s dealing with her own stuff having lost her dad. I offered some perspective of stuff I’ve dealt with from my parents. Then I offered perspective of why I wouldn’t be cutting them off, as they were the only family to help me after my husband died 2 years ago. I ended it with if you would like to have contact or allow our kids to have contact I’m always here, and I do not need to share any of this with our parents.
He obviously didn’t respond. How do I gently break this to my kid?
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You don’t.
This is a complicated (and somewhat stupid) adult issue that does not involve your child.
If/When your daughter brings up your cousin, you say that she is busy. That may never even happen. Don’t manufacture drama.
As a former child, I really don’t think you have to break it to your daughter. This is something that should be resolved between adults and placing barriers between your daughters is needlessly cruel. Let the kids be.
His actions are weird and selfish.
All i can say is you handled this incredibly well, like a mature adult, and by your description have done nothing wrong to justify him cutting you off. He sounds like he is going through some issues unfortunately. While he certainly has the right to cutoff your parents, I dont think he has a right to effectively punish you/your kids for not doing the same, when you dont have the same grievances against them. It doesnt seem like a situation where you should be forced to pick sides between him or your parents. Honestly his reasons dont even sound that convincing for cutting off your parents in the first place. Full disclosure, I dont have siblings, but if i did, i dont know that i would seriously object to one cutting me off if they had such a weak argument, and Ive done nothing wrong. Sorry I cant offer any practical advice about telling your daughter. Only hoping that perhaps he will come to his senses and will hopefully change his mind soon.