I don’t know what to do. Thanks for reading.
Background: My (44M) wife (41F) and I have been together for about 8 years and married for 6. She is from China and is a Chinese citizen. She has lived in a few other countries, but we live together in the U.S. I am American and am half ethnically Chinese, but I’m definitely American.
My wife has never really felt settled in the U.S. There’s a lot she doesn’t like, such as the lack of public transportation (she does drive, but doesn’t like to), lack of good food by her standards, the challenges of English (although I think she speaks excellent English, she says it is always a challenge), occurances of discrimination, and a different culture. The political situation between the U.S. and China is also a worry.
Family-wise, our daughter is very difficult. Everything is a battle with her. In situations where all the other kids are doing great, she will be the one screaming/misbehaving. She is sweet at times, but is far from an angel baby.
Her parents are in China. She is particularly close to her mom, whose health is deteriorating.
Between the two of us, she says she is 80% happy with me as a husband, which I thought was pretty good. She does say we have different values, which we both knew, but it hasn’t been a big problem.
She had a job in the travel industry which was her dream job, but the commuting has been draining and she doesn’t like most of her co-workers.
I don’t know, and my wife doesn’t know, if she’s depressed or going through a mid-age crisis. She’s not interested in a lot of things she used to be interested in and feels like she’s only living for her parents, especially her mom. She feels that I and our daughter will be fine without her.
What’s happening: My wife has broken it to me that she wants to go back to China. She has already submitted a resignation letter to her current job, and previously had already gotten a job offer in China. It is the same kind of job for a different company. She feels like she has to go home, and a short (even 3 month long) visit is not enough. I don’t think I can talk her out of it; when she gets set on doing something, she’s going to get it done. I cannot move with her for at least 5 years and possibly longer due to complicated family and job issues (more details further down), but I have offered to move to Asia with her later. (Before, she told me she wanted to live in Asia and I got on board with it.) She has said she’s open to discussion about where our (bilingual) daughter will live. I don’t want to be a single dad, but I also don’t want to lose my daughter.
I have a son (13M) from a prior marriage that I can’t just abandon. (We are each other’s second marriage.) She understands this. Also, China is probably not an option for me to live because it is not very open to foreigners, and this has gotten worse in recent years. My job also definitely wouldn’t transfer.
I feel very sad. I think maybe I should feel angry, but I don’t right now.
I believe in letting her be free to make her own choices and have supported her in choices that I didn’t necessarily want her to make, such as taking her travel job. She has been grateful for that. But, I can’t support her this time. I have lost one wife and feel like I’m losing another. My prior divorce almost killed me. Not literally, but it was the worst thing I ever went through. I don’t think I can handle her moving away. No plans to divorce at the moment, but long distance is not the kind of marriage/life I want. I like our life and don’t want to throw it away.
Questions:
What should I do?
Should I try anything more to convince her to stay? I believe we’ve talked honestly and in depth already. She knows how I feel.
If she goes, how can I survive? I feel like my heart can’t take it.
What should we do with our daughter?
TL;DR Chinese wife (41F) wants to leave the U.S. to go back to China, leaving me (44M) and our daughter (4F). If she goes, I don’t think she will ever come back here to live, although she would visit. It is not practical for me to move with her.
Comments
Login here to leave a comment
Has your daughter been evaluated for any neurodivergency? Is she in therapy?
Are you sure she’s not planning on taking your daughter away? I would get legal advice now
Sounds like she’s leaving you and your daughter because she doesn’t want to deal with any of it and wants a fresh start back in China.
This woman is considered abandoning their kid the relationship is over over seriously over… And oftentimes they do it because they don’t want to have a child in tow when they try to partner up again..
I’ve had two friends of mine’s wives just leave unexpectedly and abandon their young children.. ( one came crawling back when her new apartment burned down only to leave again a year later ) both of my friends focused on their children and made sure that everything was in place legally because their mom was not coming back..
I’m sorry you’re going through this Hope it all works out.
Not complicated.
Nullify her passport and make sure she can’t get a new one without your permission.
The unfortunately reality OP is that although you don’t want a divorce, that’s essentially what she is asking for – and if one of you wants a divorce there’s not really an option to say no.
I’m really sorry you’re in this position and it is a very difficult, sad situation but I will say this – your past divorce might have been the worst thing you’ve ever been through but you recovered, found someone else you loved, and built a life together right? You can do it again. I know that’s not what you want to hear and it’s obviously very easy to say from the outside looking in, I’m not trying to be glib or handwave your situation at all, but people DO survive divorce and recover from it. You can do it too.
You don’t want her to move away, you also don’t want a divorce, but you don’t want a long distance relationship either. Well, again very unfortunately, those are your 3 options. You have to weigh up which you would rather out of the 3 evils.
Obviously the caveat to every comment on this sub is I don’t know you, I don’t know the ins and outs of your life, but from what you’ve said personally? I think I would divorce. There’s nothing in this post where you’ve said how much you love her, what an amazing partnership you’ve got, what support she gives you. It’s basically a list of how she makes your life harder.
And yes I get that that is always going to be the summary of posts on r/relationships, but it’s telling to me your post isn’t framed with, ‘I love her so much.’ It’s like you are more scared and upset about the failure of another marriage than you are of losing her as an actual person (not a criticism of you, just an observation). Would you say deep down that’s true? Because if it is, I think you know the answer.
As someone who went through something similar with my now ex husband, all I can say is… this period will be tough, really tough, if you don’t beg her and give her space when she leaves – like real space – where she misses you, she might come back. If she doesn’t, being a single dad isn’t that bad.