My (44M) wife (45F) has had some health issues for the past 5 years. She has improved but has become a hypochondriac. Every small twinge or ache and I am getting called saying “ I think I have Cancer or I think my appendix just blew”. stuff like that. We have been to 100+ appointments over the years and has been tested top to bottom and nothing “major” is happening. They think it’s stress and she thinks is hormones/menopause even though she has been tested for it.
here is the issue. I cant take it anymore. I am getting frustrated either wit’s having to leave work early or come home to someone that always has an ailment that changes and usually is fine within a couple of hours. she can see my frustration but keeps saying “you promised in sickness and in health“. she hit me the other day as she said I wasn’t being supportive.
how do I handle this and am I a horrible person if I want to get out of this marriage.
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It sounds like your wife may have OCD. I say this because I struggled immensely with health anxiety and I needed help.
I understand being frustrated. I get it. I also relate to your wife and I cannot imagine being left by my spouse while trying to deal with this kind of mental illness.
I think you should talk to her about seeing a psychiatrist and finding a therapist.
If she’s a hypochondriac, or it’s stress related illness, a therapist would be the best resource to help her. If she experienced actual serious health issues, this could be some resulting mental trauma.
It’s definitely not acceptable for your partner to hit you in reaction to your words. You wouldn’t be horrible for leaving, especially if there is no hope of her behavior changing.
Your wife has either an undiagnosed mental illness or an undiagnosed physical ailment, or perhaps both.
Several years ago, I started getting sick, and I KNEW something was wrong. The doctors I went to couldn’t find a thing wrong. Different doctors told me it was menopause, I needed to lose 25 pounds, and it was all in my head. A lot of people told me I was doing it for attention.
Turns out I have several extremely rare autoimmune diseases – and it took 8 years to suss out most of them. 13 years later, they’re still finding zebra (rare) autoimmune diseases I have to deal with. Also, the weight melted off when I started taking the right meds.
Alright, going to be honest with this one. It looks like you want an excuse to leave. If she actually had a real sickness, she may be feeling some of the same symptoms and may believe she has it, although there have been MANY instances of doctors claiming we women have nothing and then ultimately us finding out we have stage four cervical cancer and dying due to ignorance.
She should be going to a therapist in the event it really is stress which can manifest into physical conditions (something governments do not want to admit because that means the very capitalistic society of working 60 hours a week is ultimately killing us). But she can also go to other doctors as well to have different tests. Btw, perimenopause has some of the same symptoms as menopause. And menopause can carry a whole host of systems.
She should also go to a rheumatologist, a large number of diseases that are due to the immunity are ones that regular internalist doctors do not know about unless they directly had a patient with it. Wegener’s, Adult Stilts, etc.
If shes not getting help, this isnt right.
She needs therapy and is manipulating you with the in sickness and in health. Thar doesnt mean she gets to act like this and use people as a crutch.
Trust me. I was very similar to that except I didnt guilt people. I struggled with somatic symptom disorder for a long time and a few people were frustrated with me. Instead of guilt tripping them that they were my friends what were friends for then? I realized my behaviour was incredibly problematic and I got help from a therapist and starting taking CBD for my anxiety which is what triggers the SSD.
If shes not willing to get help and instead manipulates you, this isnt healthy to be around. Youre not a crutch. You can support someone while they get help but if youre not her therapist, thats not your job to heal her.
I would absolutely leave. Even if she was actually sick, it’s crazy that you have to go running home from work every time she feels poorly. Even if she was actually sick, it wouldn’t be an excuse to hit you.
People will have empathy for her because it’s a mental health issue, but if she won’t accept this or any help for her physical problems either what are you actually supposed to do? Just keep living like this?
In all these years, no doctor has advised her to see a psychiatrist? I’d ask about Munchausen syndrome, where the person seeks attention by feigning or intentionally makes themselves sick.
But even if it is mental, no amount of psychiatric care will help if she doesn’t actually want to be well. Do you honesly think she does?
I know she has her problems, but the minute she physically abused you should’ve been the minute you left.
I am pissed just for reading this. You must be a saint to not just shut your phone down and enjoy the peace at work 🤣🤣
Never mind the hypochondria, she hit you. You should leave for that alone.
OP, just go. I’m in my seventies and these aches and pains are only going to increase with each passing year. If you stay, you’re going to be stuck with a nonstop chronic complainer that will have you carting her to endless appointments and wasting your time waiting for hours to be seen in an emergency room for nonsense.