My partner and I are on an international trip, joined partway through by his two adult daughters (25 & 22), as well as my friend of nearly 30 years and her brother. This wasn’t just a romantic trip for the two of us—we had talked in couples therapy beforehand about using this opportunity for me to bond more intentionally with his daughters. Their dynamic has always felt deeply enmeshed, and in the past, I’ve often felt invisible when his daughters are around. It’s been hurtful and repeated enough that I considered it going on the trip.
Because of that, we made a specific plan with our couple’s therapist ahead of the trip: we agreed to check in regularly, to make sure everyone felt included, and to avoid slipping into old patterns where I was left out of plans or interactions. He was supposed to make concerted efforts to show me physical attention in front of them, as well as to put me ahead of them in specific ways. He didn’t follow through on any of it.
Instead, he made nearly all plans with his daughters directly. I was included only when logistics demanded it. I made repeated efforts to connect—inviting him to talk, asking to spend time together, and even light, caring gestures. Each of these was either brushed off, met with coldness, or flatly ignored.
When I brought up how I was feeling—calmly and gently—I was met with verbal attacks. I’ve been called a “btch,” told I have a “btch face,” that I’m “entitled,” “emotionally immature,” and that “everyone is scared of me.” He also chastised me at breakfast for filming the view instead of making eye contact with him while he made small talk about the buffet.
One of the hardest moments came when I arranged a special dinner for the four of us (he, I, and his adult daughters)—something I was hoping would help bring everyone together. The night before, he abruptly canceled by text, saying he wanted to spend the evening “alone with his daughters.” Around that same time, he sent photos of himself out with them to my friend, who is also traveling with us, but said nothing to me. It felt like he was emotionally replacing me and pulling my friend into our relationship dynamic.
I’ve spent most mornings on this trip crying in private, feeling physically sick from the emotional whiplash. And then, once his daughters were leaving, he casually texted me asking if I wanted to “hang out.” No acknowledgment of what had happened. No apology. Just a sudden pivot now that they were gone—as if I could be picked up off the shelf again.
To be clear, I’m not asking to come before his daughters. I understand their importance in his life. I just don’t want to feel erased when they’re around—or punished for naming that I feel pushed out. I still love him and I still want connection, but I feel emotionally dismissed, excluded, and increasingly unsure if this relationship is sustainable.
Has anyone been through something like this? How do I rebuild trust—or do I even try? How do you stay in a relationship where your voice and needs keep disappearing?
We’ve been together almost 6 years.
TL;DR: On an overseas trip with my partner of 6 years, his two adult daughters (22 & 25) joined us. Despite a couples-therapy plan to keep everyone included, he sidelined me—making plans only with them, canceling a special dinner I arranged, and lashing out when I voiced hurt. I’ve spent mornings in tears while he plays happy dad. Now that his daughters just left, he wants to “hang out” like nothing happened. Feeling erased and wondering: can trust be rebuilt, or is this relationship no longer sustainable? Advice?
Comments
Why are you waiting for him to end the relationship when it’s clear you two are not in love any more.
A healthy romantic relationship shouldn’t feel this difficult. His behaviour suggests that he would rather spend time away from you than with you. It’s not about his daughters, first and foremost but about you and him.
How much longer do you want to spend your energy on this man?
I hope this helps but what I’m reading is he only cares about you when his girls aren’t around. You’re the not a partner in this man’s eyes, only someone to be around him when it’s convenient for him. That and the fact that he called you all of those names is an immediate reason to break up. The way it sounds is he does not care about you at all.
Your husband has zero interest in changing this dynamic. He can’t be more clear about it. It’s never going to change. You decide if you can live with it or not.
I mean.
You’re asking, “how do I trust someone (again) after they showed themselves to be untrustworthy and care nothing at all for me.”
Individual therapy.
It (usually) takes a certain kind of person to date significantly younger. And this has that vibe. I’m not saying you’re not an adult. I’m just saying he isn’t.
Anyway, that’s fucked up. I don’t have great advice other than if you do see a therapist together this should be a conversation in a session. In the meantime I don’t even know what you do. Hopefully someone else has some solid advice for you. Good luck.