Dear Reader,
My Mother (51F), is now experiencing some minor health issues that are getting worse with time.
She never had any serious illnesses in general.
Her main concerns are the joints in her hand hurting almost daily (stems from a lifetime of office work/sitting/typing on the comp), and also some minor back pain.
It’s not like she never exercised. Just like any average office worker, she did sign up for and attend various exercise classes throughout her adult life.
She was never consistent (neither are most ppl), which is whatever.
But now, now, the lack of regular exercise is negatively affecting her daily life quality.
Of course, it would be lovely to have her live a longer, enjoyable life; but I’m not even talking about that. I am talking about her DAILY life satisfaction. Those little pains ruin her mood daily, and I have to do all the chores (bc I live with her for now), but I do not know what she will do when I move out (and for context, No, we cannot afford a housekeeper or nanny, and we live outside of the western world; also, she told me that even if we could afford in-house assistance – she wouldn’t like it, bc it is just ‘sad’ to have an old-person nanny and that she would feel even more incapable and old).
And her daily little pains, as I’ve said, ruin her mood often, cause her to bicker with whoever the hell she runs into that day, and, due to a number of reasons – leave her single and without friends. (And it’s not because being single or friendless is bad; it’s just that we as humans, need community, and interpersonal relationships, strong ones – to live a fulfilling life. And she refuses to make, or more specifically, maintain any of those relationships – including the one with me. She also says talking to me for over 15 mins is ‘tiring’). So, clearly, my relationship with her isn’t the best. And it never was particularly good. Ever. And throughout my life, growing up with her – she NEVER had a strong relationship with anyone. Not even with granny or her sister, or me.
She also has mild depression.
She has been diagnosed.
She was taking meds for it – but they had bad side effects so she stopped; and now ‘postpones’ going back to the clinic for new meds that might suit her better.
Coming back to the daily exercise.
It will benefit her SO much; in all the departments.
It’s good for her physical health; her mental health; and also gives her a third space away from home and work. Might even expose her to somewhat of ‘friends’ or fellow gym-enthusiasts of her age; or someone who is going there for the same reasons and might relate, and feel seen.
She also watches this Turkish TV series. She is like a screen-addicted pre-teen at home.
Headphones in, barely talks to me. And whenever I try to tell her something, she pauses her tablet, looks at me and gives me a look that probably says ‘Ok, hurry up; I am watching something suuuuuper important’.
The screen-time is a different beast, but let’s stay on topic.
And so, I suggested that she can 100% take her tablet, her headphones to the gym; and do 60 mins of cardio. Like, a slow paced walking on the treadmill. Once a day. I told her ‘you wouldn’t even feel the exercise, bc your mind will be on the show’.
She said ‘Ok’.
And also she said that going to the gym daily is ‘impossible’.
Of course I understand exceptions. Like for example, I skip when I’m on my period (and she doesn’t have one anymore, so seems like a good deal). And of course, there are days that we work late, or are super tired for one reason or another. Those days are an exception; a valid reason to skip the gym.
And now I am 26F. I have had TERRIBLE headaches ever since I was a teen.
Always used to take Ibuprofen. Like, every couple of days.
Then, I did my research and fixed it with almost daily exercise and Ginkgo Biloba.
Which tells me that daily exercise of anyyyyyy kind – for a good 60 mins a day will benefit anyone greatly.
However, even with this proof – she refuses to move.
And now, she is giving me the excuse ‘Oh, I do not know whether to start with swimming or the gym?’
I told her ‘Do one this month, the next the next month; and swap it around for some variety’.
Her home and her work are roughly a 15 min walk away from each other.
Mine are 1.5 hours’ walk away.
So, I walk, whether I want to or not.
She doesn’t have that thrust upon her like I do.
That’s why she is lacking daily exercise; bc she has to intentionally go for it.
But then again, living so close to work has its benefits; such as saving time.
Commute takes SO much of my time. Not even kidding.
She has the luxury of not commuting.
So, she definitely has time to gym daily.
Just 1 hour a day.
And she refuses.
I do not understand what it is.
It’s not like she can’t afford it.
She almost bought another purse dog recently.
She can definitely afford a gym membership.
Please help me here.
I just want to see her happy; not even that – just neutral. Not frowning all the time bc of this or that.
I understand that ppl get upset from time to time; but not daily; and especially not from self-sabotaging actions when the solution is SO close.
P.S. her legs and feet are completely fine; she has no health problems in that area.
Please help.
Thanks for reading.
Comments
It says a lot about your good heart that you want your mom to be happy and healthy. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like the problem is lack of knowledge but rather lack of desire to change. And even more unfortunate is that she has to desire that change herself. It’s absolutely frustrating and painful to watch someone make poor choices, but that’s what you have to let her do.
It sounds like what you really need is to learn how to separate your emotions so that her poor choices don’t negatively affect you. Read up on the “grey rock method”, where basically when your mom complains to you about her aches and pains, you say something like “I’m sure your doctor will have an idea of how to fix that” or “I’m sorry you’re not feeling good” and then change the subject. The idea is to put the responsibility for her discomfort back on her and not spend your energy on a lost cause.
Do you live close enough that you can walk with her once per week? Or maybe you can walk each in your own place and agree to talk on the phone while you do it.
You can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do herself, but if it gives her a chance to spend quality time with her child, she may actually want to do it.
You need to see a therapist about appropriate boundaries. I’m not being snarky, it would really help. I can tell by your post that you love your mom and want what’s best for her, but besides some general suggestions or offers to help (like signing her up for a class or giving her rides) it’s really not up to you to push her into it. You’re trying to parent her, and even parents have to let minor kids have some autonomy over their eating and exercise. This response but would be too long to go into it… but other things you’ve got in there tell me that you don’t have appropriate boundaries and that you’re putting too much responsibility on your shoulders for her care. I can read through the lines that this is out of love, but you’ve got to respect her right to make adult decisions and consequences. She’s not 80, she’s 51. Most people are still working full time at that age.
You don’t have to have a gym to exercise- I loathe the machines. But I do enjoy a dance class or yoga. Walking outdoors is wonderful exercise and good for the soul.
Joint pain can make it hard to do anything . Something that I did that completely eliminated all my joint pain and gave me my life back was getting on Hormone Replacement Therapy. It sounds like your mom needs estrogen, without it her pains are going to get worse and her bones are going to suffer .
Your mom is very young and is using you to clean her house and as her own personal punching bag. If you are able to (I’m not sure what’s frowned upon in your culture) – I would recommend moving out so she’s forced to clean her own house. Cleaning is excellent exercise. I’m also not sure if the gyms in your area are co-ed – but a gym is a good place for her to potentially meet a boyfriend or friends. Instead of her feeling better, she may be more receptive to a love interest. I’m 60 and go to the gym about 5 – 6 times per week. I’m married – so it’s not to meet anyone – but I’ve seen a lot of relationships bloom. I also clean my own house and work full-time. You’re a good daughter to want what’s best for your mom – but she’s got to want it too.
You are too involved. Go live your damn life and let her live hers.
She doesn’t need to go every day and she doesn’t need to go for an hour.
Set up that expectation and of course she might be overwhelmed before she even starts.
She’s also probably dealing with menopause and menopause can make you irritated with people, even loved ones. Confused by the changes in your emotions and the number one trigger for me losing my self-control in menopause is being scrutinized.
It’s her body and it’s her right to do what she wants with it. I bet you’re more likely to get the result you want if you lay off, don’t underestimate the power of spite.
Of course everyone is different but what you’re doing right now isn’t working so….
Are you my child? lol
It’s nice that you care about her health but she is an adult who can make her own decisions. Do you like being nagged? Neither does she.
Just wait until you are 51 years old. She how you like being nagged about health issues. Don’t get me wrong its sweet and I tell the kids to do everything while they are young, but stop the nagging. Give her some space and she may figure it out herself. So let this be a lesson for you, do everything you want while you are young and start limbering up now. Think yoga, some weight training to preserve muscle and eating enough protein.
She doesn’t want to, and she’s an adult so she doesn’t have to.
You can tell her you care about her and want her to be happier and healthier. Once. And then you need to consider it said. And stop treating her like she’s too stupid to know what words mean or how to join a gym.
If you don’t want to listen to her complaints, THAT is a boundary you get to set for yourself. Every time she complains to you, you can just say, “that’s a fixable problem when you’re ready, and I’ll be happy to help when you’re ready,”. YOUR legs and feet are also completely fine, walk away if you don’t want to hear it.
Sometimes complaining is the only way people know how to make connections with others or to feel as if someone cares about them. If she wanted something else to happen she would do something else. Possibly if you start to reinforce that you have run out of empathy for fixable problems it might change her methodology or maybe she’ll just stop talking to you.
But you don’t get to control her. You only get to control you.
Your mother is 51, ie and adult that can make her own life decisions. You might need to cut the apron strings. Seriously you need to separate yourself from the matter, it should not be a subject that makes you post that much of a brain dump on Reddit. She is much more likely to do something if she comes to the decision herself, and your mental health is going to get so much worse if you don’t get some space.
Your heart may be in the right place but your head isn’t. Your mother is an adult. You cannot try and mother her. You are not her mother. And I sense you think you are the adult in the room. You don’t sound like an adult. You seem to have real issues when it comes to honoring other people’s boundaries. Accepting boundaries is adult behavior.
Saying to your mom ONE time, “Hey maybe you would feel better if you exercised more.” Is fine. Then drop it.
Realize that we all have different needs for socialization. We are not the same.
I understand why your mom says talking to you is tiring. Again, I realize your heart is in the right place. But you have a whole lot of growing up yet to do.
Jfc tldr
This is not up to you. She gets to make her own bad decisions just like you get to make yours. If she wants you to help her exercise more then you can try to do that. It would have be help that she thinks would help her, not you imposing on her your suggestion. I am older than your mom but often struggle to keep up with exercise. Going to the gym and walking on a treadmill for 60 minutes would absolutely be the very, very, very last thing I would do. And I use a treadmill every day.
Things that work better for many people (but you need to find out what works for your mom if and only if she wants help on this).
Sometimes going for a walk with my husband. So if she says she would like to walk outside but doesn’t like to get by herself you could ask her if she would like to go with you. But, maybe she doesn’t like walking outside so this doesn’t work. She gets to choose.
Having a treadmill at home. I have a treadmill at home. I use it a lot. I don’t like using the treadmill at the gym. At home I can set my TV to whatever I want and watch TV. I know exactly how to set my treadmill. I am not self conscious of what other people will think. So if you are mom says that she would rather exercise at home than at the gym and that she wishes she had a treadmill then maybe help her get that. But maybe she doesn’t want to do that and wouldn’t use it. So, again, she chooses.
Exercising for multiple times a day for short period. A few months ago I had gotten out of exercising for several months (leg pain stopping me). When I started back I started with 10 min on the treadmill. Then I stopped. Then I did 2 10 min sessions a day. Then 3 or 4. Then I upped it to usually 15 minutes. Currently I am shooting for 2 15 minute sessions a day. Would 60 min be better? Sure. Does it have to be in one session? No. Is 30 minutes better than nothing? Yes. Throwing someone into 60 minutes at one time is just delusional. 60 minutes in total for a day may be something to work up to for some people but even then it doesn’t have to be all in one session or every day.
At the end of the day though she gets to choose what she does whether it is wise or not. You can help her if she asks for help and you can provide the help she wants, but that is it.
If she has carpal tunnel syndrome she can’t exercise that away
Sorry, but you should work on accepting that nothing will change. I’m 58 (f) and have been working out for years. She’s not old, and the only way she’s going to decide to work out is if she wants it. Yes, it is hard to watch someone decline, but you can’t make an adult work out.
The only thing you will accomplish is getting her angry and making yourself upset. My mother had COPD, was obese, and STILL smoked at age 80. She passed about 2 weeks ago, and I never nagged her. It was hard in the beginning, but … what can you do. I sympathize.
I recommend walking outdoors in nature over indoors on a treadmill. It’s just better for your head.
Why do you think exercise is the magic answer. Maybe better arthritis medicine and then leave her alone
She’s an adult. If she wants to exercise she will. Otherwise leave her alone.
You can’t make an adult exercise, or anything else, because you are convinced they should.
Plus, she has depression which makes starting an exercise regimen difficult.
I understand she is currently unpleasant, but you come off as a judgy know-it-all, which isn’t going to get great results.
First thing is to get treatment, and even that you can’t force.
WTF, OP?
Give her the dignity of as such independent as possible, more you do, less she does! Encourage her with “gifts” (like go shopping, lots of fun things and walking too) SHE IS AN ADULT and you must respect that. I been living with my mom (dementia & 90y) for 3 years and I let her do as much as she can. She refuses to purposely walk but she gos shopping, so some help there.
She should see her obgyn and get on the HRT. Helps with everything.
You are right that she needs to exercise. Mainly because a small consistent habit now will pay dividends when she is elderly.
can she get a bigger dog, not a handbag one, so she’d have to take it for a walk every day?
If your mom was constantly badgering you to eat exactly the way she wanted you to eat and live exactly how she wanted you to live, how would you feel about that? It would be coming from a place of love as you are doing but you would hate it and her.
Stop badgering her to go to an unfamiliar place and use unfamiliar equipment and have to figure out the unwritten rules of the gym and so on. That’s intimidating for someone at the best of times.
An hour a day of exercise for someone who doesn’t exercise now is not realistic. If you want her to exercise, see if she’ll go for a 20 minute walk with you if it’s nice outside. Ask her to go shopping with you and walk for 30 minutes. Make it a gentle activity she gets to do with you and never, ever, EVER mention it is for exercise – not even if it helps and you want to take credit.
The ONLY way she will exercise is if she chooses to. You cannot force her to live a healthy lifestyle. Plenty of people I know over 50 literally run marathons, but nobody forced them to. You can’t make her change. Sorry.
I’m 58, not a mom, but I hate being told what to do. I would literally avoid you. It’s called nagging.
Just enjoy the time you have with her. And in case you haven’t learned this yet, and it takes a few lessons, you can’t change people, only yourself.
You can tell her but you can’t make her understand or understand FoR her. It’s common over 50 to get arthritis in your hand whether you exercise or not / do hand work or not. She’s likely tuning her out because she doesn’t want to tell you to stop mothering, telling her how to live her and hurt your feelings. Parents hate it when kids start parenting them . We tune it out! Maybe a better approach is to invite her to do active things with you some times. Go u out for lunch then say let’s take a walk around main street . Or go to a park or the mall ( a great place to start her walking)!