To cut it very very short – my partner and I both have a past history of emotional abuse. This is something we both worked carefully around, but two months ago she cut contact with me because she believed I had done something which I didn’t do. (She believed I had taken a Cialis without telling her, which I’d promised not to.) The whole crux of the argument is that she believes her memory of searching my toiletries to count the pills is flawless, and I know that it can’t be, because I didn’t take a pill and I didn’t touch the bag all night. But I am highly aware of the tools of emotional abuse; I suffered under them too and strategy number one is to tell the victim that their memory is wrong. I have good boundaries and I would not violate her trust. I value her tremendously and I have never lied to her. But nothing I said could dissuade her, and she ended it and cut contact completely.
I processed a huge amount of grief because I love this woman more than anyone I’ve ever been with. Our anniversary passed last week and after a few sleepless nights I realized I was still grieving – so I texted her asking if we could meet so I could get some closure. She agreed, but said we ought to do it soon because on Tuesday she was going in for a biopsy because she might have cancer.
This absolutely fucking devastated me. I suddenly thought that she might go to her grave thinking I was just another in a series of men who had used her sexually and then tried to gaslight her. I supported her in all the ways she would allow me to before the biopsy, and thank God it turned out negative. It was literally the worst week of my life, I can’t count the number of times I broke down crying.
So now there’s a crack in the ice. She invited me to meditate with her in a field we used to walk in together. We shared a long long hug. We’ve been texting again. For various reasons, I believe she has PTSD related to sexual trauma, and I proposed to her that we try to resume our relationship but for the time being have no sexual contact and just focus on loving touch. She replied that she wanted to forgive me and move on, but she’d never be able to until we addressed ‘The Elephant In the Room’ – the fact that I lied to her. Her frame of the situation seems to be that I took the Cialis, then lied when she caught me, and then just kept doubling down on the lie because I was in a shame spiral and couldn’t admit I’d done it.
I said we needed to talk about it face-to-face. This will probably be Sunday or Monday. I am desperate to figure out how to navigate this conversation without running into the intractable dilemma: I cannot admit to a lie I didn’t commit, but she won’t accept that her memory of the event is flawed — and to suggest it puts me instantly into the role of an emotional abuser.
One thing I have observed throughout our relationship is that my partner is able to relax and feel safe in my physical presence, but when we are separated her anxieties start to plague her. In other words, I feel like our way forward is through some kind of somatic structure that cultivates our physical trust of each other and works around the exchange of words, where she is hypervigilant due to her whole history of being lied to. Something that acknowledges our shared embodied wisdom about each other.
I feel terrified that if I don’t navigate this conversation right she’ll close the door on me again and it will be over forever.
Help, please?
TL;DR: Beloved girlfriend is offering me a second chance after breakup if only I admit to a lie I didn’t commit.
Comments
I’m not going to admit to something I didn’t do.
She needs therapy, not for you to further enable this psychological damage.
What happens if you do ‘admit’ you did it and ‘doubled down’ on your ‘lie’ as she thinks you did? You’ve just told her that you will lie and perpetuate that lie for months. Next time she doesn’t believe something you say — which will be soon — you’ll get “remember how you lied about the pill thing? How can I trust you this time?”
Don’t do it, man.
It’s insane that she’s going through your stuff and counting your medication. You’re putting up with too much shit and you need to strengthen your boundaries. She’s still abusing you.
She’s ridiculous and doesn’t really sound like a great person. You’re better off without her. Nothing is going to change. She’s using “emotional abuse” as a weapon and will continue to do so. Try loving yourself more than you love her.
>But I am highly aware of the tools of emotional abuse; I suffered under them too and strategy number one is to tell the victim that their memory is wrong.
She’s doing this to you, though. Why is it ok for her to do it to you, but “abuse” if you don’t go along with her version of events? There’s a really dark pattern here.
She sounds like a lot of work