My wife and I have a great relationship.
She’s always liked to have a glass of wine or two in the evening and for a while I’d usually join her. Every three months or so we’d get some cocaine if we had a big night out. At some point we found a guy who’d deliver it to our house, and a Friday delivery started to become habitual. Less than half a gram I think, but every Friday. We’d enjoy some wine, a line or two and incredible sex.
Since lockdown my wife’s drinking and cocaine use has increased. I’d still enjoy our Friday routine, but generally not drink or take cocaine for the rest of the week. Meanwhile my wife is drinking a bottle of wine a night and probably taking cocaine four times a week.
She has a senior job, she’s a great mother and a great partner to me. Periodically I’ll nudge her and tell her things are getting out of hand and she’ll agree, commit to quitting but then restart the following week. This week she lied to me about the coke use and I got angry, then made the mistake of calling her out on it in front of our son, albeit in ambiguous language. I shouldn’t have done that in front of him. I followed up with a text to her describing my concerns. 24 hours later and she’s still not speaking to me.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I’m right to call her out on it. It doesn’t seem to have an impact on her work or her parenting, but I get frustrated because I think it’s unhealthy for her and it creates a different vibe between us when she’s buzzing from the wine and coke combo. My ex-partner became an alcoholic during our relationship so I’m sensitive to this situation.
So I suppose my question is whether I’m right to call her out on it and what the right course of action is that can achieve some positive lifestyle changes.
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TL;DR; : Am I right to be worried about my wife’s wine and cocaine use? If so, what is the right course of action that can achieve some positive lifestyle changes?
Comments
It sounds like you’re in a really tough and emotionally draining situation. Watching someone you love struggle with alcohol, especially when it’s impacting your relationship, is painful. You clearly care about her and want to help, but at the same time, you’re feeling the toll this is taking on you. It’s completely valid to be concerned about how this is affecting your life and well-being.
If she’s resistant to acknowledging the problem, that puts you in a difficult position. You can support her, but you can’t make her change. Setting boundaries is essential—not as punishment, but to protect yourself. Have an honest conversation when she’s sober, express your feelings, and let her know you’re there if she wants help. But if she refuses to change, you have to consider what’s best for you. You deserve a relationship where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally safe.
You need to sit her down when she’s sober and have a serious talk about it. If use is escalating and she’s lying about it, it means she’s a full blown addict.
Unfortunately as with most addicts all you can do is set boundaries and offer help. She has to want to change. Prepare yourself for a really bad situation if she doesn’t want to. That means protecting yourself and your son from the inevitable fallout.