23yo F still living at home due to being in college and broke.
I found out my parents were narcissists after I started making a list of things they would do to me. They have gone way beyond the point of being just “helicopter parents.”
I have an appointment with a therapist next week. I feel lost and hopeless, and I do not know what to do to keep myself sane mentally in this house.
Here are just some of the things she has said to me. I do not know what I have done to deserve such an unloving/controlling relationship. I work two jobs, am in school full time, pick up my slack in the house, and run errands when asked.
– spam calls/texts
– tells me to jump off a bridge and kill myself
– tells me she wishes she aborted me
– threatens to put a tracker on the car i bought
– does not give me bank account access/access to the money i have earned
– demands to read every purchase on my bank statement
– asks for receipts when i purchase something
– tells me to lose weight/gain weight/not go to the gym/go to the gym
– tells me my kids will not have a good life
– says she wishes she had a son/no kids at all
– controls what job/career opportunities i am allowed to avail
– guilt trips me if i treat myself
– thought i conspired w the hospital into changing my lab test results when acc they had a website outage, my mom made a three way call w the company and me and then they were concerned for my wellbeing while trying to deal w my mom
– if i have a convo w her brings up past things that she’s mad about
– has no relationship w my grandparents at all or remorse for them even though they r getting old
– does not let me attend any type of appointment alone (e.g. dr appt, dentist)
– tells me i have to pay rent, but doesnt let me move out????
– called me 67 times in 2 hours
– went through my imessage on my apple watch and read explicit texts w a guy proceeded to slut shame me for it
– showed up to my location unsolicited
– when i was little would lock me in garage as scaring tactic
– would take my backpack with all my supplies to school in the morning if i didnt listen
– will throw a temper tantrum and cry if i ask to go out
– bought a breathalyzer to use on me after i go out (if i am allowed to)
I can’t move out because of insufficient funds, little financial literacy, and unaffordable rent prices.
Any advice to deal with this would be helpful 🙂 I cannot focus on my schooling because this house is becoming suffocating to live in. My attention span is so low, and I cry in secrecy. I do not know how to fix things for myself.
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Go to the college housing authority and ask if they have any emergency housing,at a low cost. If your therapist is on campus, they may have suggestions. It sounds like you’re in an unhealthy environment, and your mom is psycho. Do what you an to get away safely. Good luck.
Hey OP i’m sorry you’re going through this. Where is the money going from your two jobs?
Also open a new bank account- do not put her on the account and change your pay checks to the new account . You need to go to another bank or credit union that is not tied to your current bank to set up the new account. – also close the other account go to the bank in person and get your money out. You may need to get new cards for your account if your parents have confiscated your cards. Report that the cards have been stolen and to freeze the old cards. This will buy time to get new cards- pull out money and set up a new account elsewhere. Make sure you have your photo id on you when you go to do all of this. If it helps write down what you want to say before going to the bank. Good luck
You’re 23. Maybe it’s time to move out.
Learn to detach until you can move out. I am sure there are some books about it. Please continue counseling. Agree with everything they say. Walk away from the insults. Please look into moving, even if it’s just a room somewhere. Maybe with your own bathroom.
Put all your money into a bank account away from your parent’s bank.
Look into school housing or rent a room in a shared house.
You work two jobs, you should have money.
Deposit your money in an account for you only from now on.
You have to get out.
Get your important belongings and documents out of the house before you leave.
Can you go to a DV shelter?
You and your children live there with your parents? — do your children receive support from another parent or is it just you? If you receive no help from their other parent, consider pursuing this through the courts so you are not dependent financially on your own parents.
Separate your finances by removing your funds from your current bank, opening new accounts at a different bank, and having your paychecks automatically deposited into the new accounts. Same with any charge or debit cards. Close the old ones. Better yet don’t open new credit cards. You can’t afford credit right now. Stick to debit cards.
Get your kids out of there at the earliest possible moment. I’m afraid of you relying on your parent for child care. Don’t do it. You know better than to expose those little people to that. Get them out NOW, even if it means putting school on hold for a while.
Is that their professional opinion? Leave as soon as you are able.
OP, there is nothing normal about how you are being treated. Your mom is extremely controlling. This is a situation that is untenable.
If it were me, I’d prioritize getting out of there. Maybe postpone the rest of college in order to get a better full time job to get out.
Yes, move your belongings quietly out. Maybe just a little at a time. Small storage unit is a good idea, but make sure that it can’t be traced back to you from your mom. Maybe also get a PO box for temporary? Bill for storage unit could go there.
I’m not sure, but I think that you can request a copy of your birth certificate, since you’re not a minor.
You can move out, you are 23.
Make a plan.
maybe a domestic violence shelter would be helpful. You don’t need to move in with them. They can meet with you (by phone, maybe by chat or email, and in person) and give a lot of helpful information.
GTFO of that environment as soon as possible if you’re done with education.
find a way to get your money and put it in a safe account where you’re the only one with access and knowledge about it.
if you have basic skills, language and decipline, you can work anywhere.
Reach out to the nearest women’s shelter. They should be able to help you get out.
They can’t actually stop you from moving out and that’s clearly what you need to do. None of this is okay. If you have to pay for rent anyway, might as well pay rent and live in peace from this shit.
Source: I AM A THERAPIST.
Sweetie get the hell out. Please. Find resources in your area for TAY domestic violence (TAY is transitional adult/youth services), emergency shelter, something at your university, ANYTHING. I was honestly skeptical at first when you said “narcissist” because people overuse the term but you are absolutely correct and you are being abused.
The ideal solution would be to move away and CUT ALL CONTACT. PERIOD. What ever that takes. It’s going to be a lot but you CAN DO THIS. Think of what you will need to accomplish this, what your first steps will be. Start with housing then finances once you are safe. Get out ASAP then get a new bank account that only YOU can access and have your pay deposited there. Cut your phone service which they provide and get your own. You can get out but you NEED HELP NOW.
There are movies about parents like this. If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re floating a SCRIPT. But at the same time I know real life CAN be this terrible. I feel for you so so much. You can do this, you are strong you are amazing you are smart you are wonderful you are beautiful you are a SURVIVOR. Please take care of yourself. PLEASE. Hugs and love your way.
When you get to that therapist, show them those messages
Dear OP,
Was there a time in your life that you can remember when your parents weren’t this controlling?
When did it start, and what might have triggered it?
You don’t have to share that here—but getting to the root of the problem can be essential. If you can pinpoint when the dynamic shifted, it might help you start untangling the mess emotionally, not just logistically.
Yes, the way she’s acting now is out of bounds by every imaginable standard. I’m not asking you to excuse it or justify it. I just want to gently encourage you to think about the smaller details—because even if you do move out and cut her off completely, that doesn’t automatically erase the damage. That kind of control leaves a scar, and understanding where it began can sometimes be the first step in healing it.
Wishing you clarity and strength—whatever path you choose.
Your Internet Cousin.
Duplicate birth certificate is available through vitalchek.com. Not expensive. I’ve used them a few times, and I believe they can do all states.
Start slowly moving things out into friends places/storage unit if you can. You have your ID and hopefully a w2, so you can go to the social security office and get a new copy of your SS card. Keep it with you for now or with a trusted friend. That will help you get a replacement birth certificate. Open a new bank account and start squirreling any money you can hide from your parents in it. Maybe get cash back at stores because the bank copy will just show ‘xx’ amount at the store. You can claim you didn’t get a receipt once in a while. Machines run out of paper after all. Then put that into the new account. You need to get out of there. I have a narc mom. She’ll never admit her own fault and will keep blaming you/whoever is around her. Please. Get out safely. Then stop contacting them. Change your number and block any numbers of theirs you have. It will feel so much better to be out, even if it is renting a room from someone.
You are 23, you need to leave!
I did it at 17 by couch surfing with friends until I found a room I could afford. Work 2 jobs if you have to, save up, find a room to rent. You can sleep on an air mattress if you have to. There’s always a way. You aren’t a kid anymore
Get another bank account and don’t tell them. Put your money in there, save up, and move out. I honestly would put a hold on school to work more in order to move out. Your well being is more important right now.
Check your credit report and score to make sure she hasn’t ruined your credit with loans or credit cards. Put a freeze on it until you can move out.
>>bank account
Open another bank account at a different bank chain (not a different branch of your current chain). Call ahead or go online to find out how much money yiu need to open the account, and whether you can open it with a cash deposit. Do not tell your parents you’re doing it. You might have to use a friend’s home address to have the initial mailings go to you. You can call ahead or ask in person if they actually mail anything to your house.
If your current bank account is in just your name, then go to that bank to change anything that needs changing to get access to the account. Transfer the money to your new account. If the current account is in just your mom’s name, then unfortunately it’s probably going to be kept away from you.
>>move out
Look for a room to rent in a rooming house for students.
>>financial literacy
You can learn much of what you need to know online. This sub can help you with the basics of other questions as they arise.
I have a 19 yr old son and a 13 yr old daughter. What your mother is doing to you NOT normal in any way. My 19 yr old has his own bank accounts, credit cards, and keeps all his own paperwork (driver’s license, birth certificate, social security card) in his room, in a lock box only he has a key for. He’s still living with me as he’s a full time college student, but he does not need to ask my permission to go anywhere, I do not track him, and I certainly don’t ask to see his bank statements or credit card statements. I taught him about budgeting, saving, investing, and building credit without going into debt before he turned 18, so now, that’s all HIS business, not mine. He’s an adult. You are too.
Hell, my THIRTEEN year old might have more freedom than you do. She doesn’t need to justify what she buys to me. Sure, I can see her transactions because she’s just 13, but I don’t get on her case for blowing her allowance at Hot Topic. She’s just out of luck if she’s out of money when something else comes up. She learned it sucks to be broke through that. She’s got a nice little nest egg saved up now without me controlling everything. She’s learning how to handle credit cards as an authorized user on one of mine. I’m teaching her not to spend more than she has in checking with it so that she can build credit at 18 without debt just like her brother. At 16, when she’s ready for her learner’s permit and needs her birth certificate and all that, she’ll get all her paperwork just like her brother did. In a lock box with a key that she holds.
The goal for parents should be to raise their kids in such a way that they can adult on their own someday. That means a parent has to start giving up control bit by bit while teaching how to do things. By 18 the kid should be able to manage all this on their own, whether they move out then or not. I am by no means pushing my kids out the door. Especially if they choose to go to college. But they should be able to adult by then in case they do want to leave.
This parent sounds exactly like my birth mother… who charged at me throwing her weight at me while I was pregnant & pushed me down cement steps outside. She tried to get rid of me a few times. Just for some background info so you know where ai’m coming from here. You’re an autonomous adult now. She doesn’t legally have any rights over you, or your finances. She should NOT have access to any of your livelihood. This is so toxic for you! 💔 The only reason you don’t feel well is because of the chronic daily trauma. The very best thing you can do for yourself is plan ahead to gtfo of there. Talk to your town, state assistance office, police, churches… ask around. Even a room for rent could be a good option or room mates/flatmates. Anywhere but where you currently are. At the very last minute, close out your accounts, take your belongings & go no contact. It is scary & I felt sick for several months thinking she’d come after me but I spoke to the police & quietly made a report just in case. They don’t really care about you. If they did you wouldn’t be mistreated this way. Please, find somewhere safe to go to get away from this situation. There are so many people out there ready to love & accept you just for being you. You deserve better. I’m very worried about you & I want to see you go somewhere safe to live a happy life, surrounded by loving, supportive people. Please take care of yourself. 🙏🏻❤️🩹😇
This Therapist is your Emergency Escape Hatch! Sorry that you’re in this terrible situation. A therapist will help you get out.
Why does she have control of your money?!! Open a new account for yourself ONLY, at a different bank, and have your pay direct deposited. If your job can’t do dd, bring your check directly there on the same day. She should have no access to your money. Ever.
And the rest of your list? There’s only one solution. Take control of your life and move out. You are an adult and she sounds like a horrible person, and you are letting her rule and abuse you. SMH.
Yeah, that’s not your mom. That’s a warden. If you haven’t signed a legitimate contract concerning your rent or financial contributions, then you should immediately stop giving her money and put it into a new account she doesn’t have access to. You need to save as fast as possible and get out of there. The whole time, lie and keep your plans to yourself. Make sure she doesn’t have your new address, and cut contact for at least 6 months when you move.
If there’s a chance to recover your relationship with your mom, it’s gonna need a long break first. You gotta figure things out for yourself first. You don’t need her in any facet of your life for a while. When you’re in a good place, you can then decide if you want to open that door again.
Go to your school counselor. Can’t recommend this enough.
I know it’s not ideal, but check in to sober living. They aren’t just for drugs and alcohol. They are for people with trauma. There are plenty around and they would help you get to where you need to be. There is help out there, you just have to start looking. At a sober living or women’s shelter you will have rules, but you won’t have abuse. And the rules are understandable, and they are really for your welfare. Please look into women’s shelters or sober living. They will help you. You are being abused. Horribly. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. It seems scary to leave your situation, but the sooner the better. I know it will be hard to leave your things behind, but pack a bag of important things and go! It’s only going to get worse. And when you go, cut off contact. You deserve better.
Pls go look at r/abusiverelationships
Most posts there deal with partner abuse, but there are good links to possible resources
Can you go live with your grandparents until you finish school?
I had a parent like this, decided in the end to make myself homeless to escape the situation, whilst that was a nuclear option, ask for advice from your therapist on how to go about getting accommodation for yourself as living in an environment like that drains you both mentally and physically, I hope you manage to sort something out!
Please update if/when possible.
Sounds like they’ve got an insurance policy on you and are gaslighting you into having a “tragic accident”, RUN
You need to learn a very important lesson – let them be mad. Let EVERYONE be mad. They have no right to your money, healthcare, or anything purchased by you. It’s very hard, but you need to shine your spine and get over it. Work toward saving for a down payment on an apartment near school or work, and move out. There is simply no other option in these scenarios. Bridges always burn.
Maybe you do.
Maybe you don’t. We can’t tell you that.
This is a lot, for a 23 year old.
If you have two jobs, you should have your own bank account. You can assure your parents that your beneficiary will have full access to your bank accounts if you die.
Talk to your therapist, but I would suggest finding like income housing near your school, possibly with room mates, possibly another family member, but there are other options to living with your parents.
Do any one of them.
Because staying where you are is making everyone miserable.
Oxford House offers a grant for the first 3 months of rent and then after that the rent is quite affordable. Oxford House is for people recovering from addiction which it sounds like you do not suffer from but seeing as how this is a legitimate emergency for you to get out of that house I do not think it would be wrong to pretend you are recovering from addiction.
I know it’s easier said than done and it’s not what u wanna hear but you have to put your foot down. It’s still happening because you’re letting it. I was in a similar position. Also of course find a way out by any means.
I enlisted in the military to get away from my narcissist mother
Your grown. Get out. It’s not “woe is me” if you ain’t doing anything to change the situation then it will stay like that.