My best friend Emma (26F) has been with her boyfriend for 2 years and her social media makes them look like the perfect couple. She posts these captions and cute photos constantly talking about how “blessed” and “grateful” she is, but when we hang out in person all she does is complain about him. He doesn’t help with housework he’s bad with money he plays video games for 6+ hours a day and apparently their sex life is pretty much nonexistent. I’ve (25F) started to dread our hangouts because it’s just 2 hours of her listing his flaws while I try to be supportive, but then she goes home and posts another “date night with the love of my life” story on Instagram. It’s exhausting and I don’t know what to say anymore. Like either work on your relationship or leave him, but stop pretending everything is perfect online when you’re clearly unhappy!! Am I wrong for being frustrated with this? Should I say something or should I just distance myself?
TL;DR: my friend complains about her relationship and then puts out photos of her and her boyfriend having fun
Comments
Youre 25 yesrs old
Have a grown up conversation with your friend.
“Hey im happy to support you, at the same time.you complain about him and do nothing about it. Also id love to spend time with you and when it comes up so often it feels like I’m third wheeling even when he isnt here”
It’s like watching someone live two lives and expecting you to be okay with both.
You could ask her if she actually wants a solution or just complain. If she wants a solution, ask her what she’d advise others in that situation. If she wants to complain, give her 20 min and then the topic is changed permanently. She’s going to complain about that.
Emma doesn’t want to make a change. Stop putting your energy in trying help her with that. Just nod and make a mental grocery list or something that will help you out later. When you are less invested you also are less frustrated. Emma just wants to vent and then go home and post how he’s Prince Charming, she’s not going to leave this guy and still will pick up his dirty undies. She’s your best friend for a reason, so try this for a while. You can always distance later and then she’ll have a clue about why you are no longer there.
Have you called her out on this yet? You can just be direct and say “listen, while I am here to support you, and understand if you just want to vent, do you realize we spend a majority of our time together focusing on these issues? Nothing will change without some tough conversations and tough decisions. I am willing to help you work through that, but this dynamic is not sustainable, and I need to start prioritizing my own mental health.”
…. either cut down on hanging out with her, OR tell her you can’t play therapist fir something she’s not trying to fix everytimd you socialise.
Saw a study recently that people who are unhappy in their relationships post more often about them. My buddy has an ex that did that with her new bf. Constant posts about how positive every thing is and beautiful pics everywhere. She’s a little crazy so I couldn’t help but think of the study. WELL just a month ago she reached out to my friend to “hang out” in a very flirty way. He wants nothing to do with her so he instantly brought up her bf and she dismissed it as if he didn’t matter at all. Starting to think the study might be right. People look for outside validation to offset the unpleasant reality of their relationships.
The word you’re looking for is “toxic”. Time to have a serious conversation about boundaries
I have a friend like that too. Posts their perfect life but when we meet she complains the hell out of her husband. But she does love her married life with him and just wanted an outlet to vent.
You’ve got to have a hard conversation with you. Say “I’m worried about you.” That phrase tends to ping people into a higher thinking gear, in my experience.
do they live together? it sounds like she is stuck and needs a place to crash. Resources exist but so many people in need don’t know how to ask for help.