My BFF and I have been friends since freshman year of high school. Our friendship didn’t change through our 20s when we lived in different states and countries, and it actually became stronger in the last 5 years or so. We are now in our early 30s, and we are both starting to change. I have started going to therapy, I’m about to finish up my 2nd college degree, I’m making strides in my career, I’m becoming more active in causes I believe in by volunteering and protesting, and I’m trying new hobbies and meeting new people.
And then I look at my friend and realize that we are not on the same wavelength anymore. She hates her job and complains about it all the time but won’t try to find something else because she doesn’t have a college degree, but yet she withdrew from her undergrad program last year because she hates schoolwork (this is the 3rd degree she’s started since high school but never finished), she’s becoming more religious and more conservative in her politics, and she has no social life outside of me and her family. She has also been flaking on some big plans last minute recently.
I think she is deeply unhappy with where she’s at in life, but she isn’t doing anything to improve it either. I don’t think that my life is inherently better than hers, but I used to be at a point where I wasn’t happy with my life so I’ve made a point to change it into a life that I want. Her solution appears to be to become more religious or at least turn to it for comfort, which I don’t really have an issue with, but I am in therapy partly due to growing up in a religious cult. Religion is not something I can talk about with her due to my trauma and yet it’s an integral part of who she is now. Same thing with her politics. She is a big orange man supporter, and I’ve only become more liberal as time goes on. We never used to struggle to find things to talk about, but now I think the only thing we have in common is the shared history when we were younger. There was a point where we were moving through life at the same pace, but now it’s as though I’m moving forward, and she’s stuck or moving backwards. On the other hand, she has been there for some major life events, and no one can make me laugh like she can. We’ve always said that we would be BFFs into our old age, but now I’m not so sure. How do you come to terms with the fact that a 15+ year friendship might not stand the test of time?
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Conservatism and religion seen to be the go-to for people who like to blame others or shirk responsibility for their shortcomings and misfortunes. It’s hard to really respect someone like that, not to mention the other moral issues with Trumpism. I have a friend who has gone to the same dark side, too…I think to impress her new redneck husband, and she has similar issues to your friend. I don’t think I can really hang with her much anymore because I feel like I’m kind condoning her bigoted worldview and the internalized misogyny gives me a major ick. I have a hard time respecting her at all. But I’m not sure exactly what to do with it. It’s difficult. I haven’t seen her in a few years because of my illness, so it’s not exactly the same situation.
I’d say that maybe you could sit down and talk to her about things, but people who choose these things…people who feel low and don’t like to take responsibility for things they can actually change…they don’t usually want to hear about personal responsibility for anything they do or don’t do. They don’t want to hear anything contrary to what they want to believe. It’s like banging your head against a wall.
At this point, I like to just be honest with people because it saves time and wondering about things and because they have the right to know why you don’t want to be friends anymore. If they don’t handle it well, they might not be as close as you thought. A true close friend can handle a bit of diplomatic, negative feedback if it comes from a kind place. If they just get defensive and shitty, you’ll have your confirmation that it’s probably good to just walk away.
Ppl change. We change. The distance you sense growing between you can be a good thing. Make other friends with whom you have more in common. Keep your old friend for holiday greetings and perfunctory exchanges. That’s how I’ve been doing it for the past 50+years. You’ll miss her but that’s how life is. Your new friends will fill a void your old friend can not.
Please don’t let guilt or history claim an obligation for you to sacrifice yourself to doses of toxicity. When the toxicity starts, break away.