Note: yes i did use chat gpt for this post, because its long and its too much to think about and my brain is not working with all the information in this post.
Okay, buckle up. This is a bit long but worth it.
So, two years ago, my best friend (27F) matched with this guy (31M) on Bumble. What started as a regular swipe turned into the most stable, dreamy, “made for each other” relationship I’ve seen. They just clicked. Both have really tough family backgrounds—nothing abusive, but deeply exhausting and emotionally unstable. That pain and understanding brought them even closer. They became each other’s safe space.
From the beginning, he was super open about his complicated family. But what he didn’t share until recently is the fact that he has 5–6 attempt to murder cases filed against him. Yeah. Big stuff.
Let me explain before anyone jumps to conclusions.
He’s not some violent criminal. These are all old cases from a phase when he had serious anger issues—but he’s never been the one to start the fights. The problem is, he always ended them. He’s a gym freak—strong, built, and honestly, a little too good at fighting. Combine that with emotional triggers and… well, here we are.
Some examples:
One case was against an animal abuser. The guy reported it, but the police did nothing. The abuser found out and provoked him. Things escalated, punches were thrown, and attempt to murder case #1 was born.
Another time, he stepped in to stop some guys from harassing a girl—again, his way of handling it was… intense.
Someone tried to scam his father through a fake fraud case, and he lost control again.
There are a few more in this pattern. Basically, he never started it—but he reacted in a way that got him into serious legal trouble.
My friend only found out recently when he had a court hearing and decided to finally tell her everything. He didn’t hide it maliciously, but he also didn’t bring it up until now because it hadn’t come up in the past two years. No hearings, no new incidents, nothing shady. She’s seen the papers now and knows it all.
He has a great job, no daily life impact from the cases, and is actively trying to resolve them. Personality-wise, he’s the kindest, most stable guy she’s ever been with—respectful, supportive, and emotionally available. Their relationship is everything she ever wanted… until this twist came in.
Now she’s torn.
She knows he’s changed. She knows the past doesn’t define him. But it’s still a lot to digest.
Is it wise to overlook a violent past if the present is peaceful and transparent?
What would you do in her place? Would you be able to move forward with someone like this if every other box was ticked?
Looking for honest, judgment-free thoughts.
TL;DR:
My best friend is in a loving, stable 2-year relationship with a guy who treats her like gold. But he recently revealed he has 5–6 pending attempt to murder cases from his past—none started by him, but extreme reactions to real situations (animal abuser, harassment, family fraud, etc.). He has changed since then, and the cases haven’t interfered with his life or career. Now she’s unsure what to do. Is this a red flag or a forgivable past?
Comments
I’d this was my friend I would tell her to have caution. There’s a big difference between assault charges and attempted murder charges – the damage to the other person being one of them. I would always be worried about when he would turn it on her considering his … capabilities. And that isn’t to say he’s treating her poorly now. I believe he isn’t. I believe people can have a handle on their anger issues, understand their own triggers, etc. but I would always be worried. That’s a lot of scenarios where he wasn’t able to handle himself appropriately, in a lot of different scenarios. I would never want my friend to be in a position down the road where she was afraid to do anything because of how he might act. I would hate to have a friend live in constant fear of her partner’s reactions.
I think it depends on when this was, like the last case.
If it’s been a few years and he’s really worked on himself, sure, people can grow. If it was like a year and a half ago… uh… I think it’s likely unwise. Even if he doesn’t go ape on her, he could still go off on someone random and get himself landed in jail. Imagine if they have a family and then he just isn’t around because of that. Could be very sad.
It’s really up to her, some people can understand each other better. If someone has a very chill background, they probably wouldn’t want this in their life, but someone more like that might understand.