My best friend & I have been besties since Kindergarten. Over the last year, our lives have developed very differently. In the last 9 months she got married, bought a house, left the work force (by choice) and had a kid. In the last 9 months, I broke up with my partner of 5 years, moved out of our shared home, repatriated to the US, moved cross country, and re-started a badass career.
Despite our different life paths, we’ve always yapped & kept up. She had a tough pregnancy with some health complications, and her baby came 2 months early & will be in the nicu for the foreseeable future. She is also in & out of the hospital for her own health issues since giving birth.
She doesn’t want to talk about it, which I respect, because these things are sad & get old. I don’t feel like I can bring anything that’s going on in my life to her bc it’s small potatoes in comparison to what she’s going through, OR she’ll blatantly tell me she doesn’t have the energy to listen/chat. When I reach out to check in, all she says is “I’m ok” with no further explanation, and wont explain when I ask if she wants to expand on that.
I don’t want to seem like a dick by not checking in on her, but I don’t know what to even talk about anymore.
I’m feeling really disconnected & worried that we’re going to drift apart even more now that she’ll be busy with motherhood. Any advice on how to remain connected with friends who are in very different stages of life?
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I think you just need to keep checking in even if she doesn’t want to talk. She will notice and appreciate it. Having a baby in the NICU must be unbelievably stressful and scary and traumatic. Just keep showing her that you’re there, you care, and you’ll be ready if/when she needs support or just wants to chat.
Can you talk to her husband or other friends? She might be going through too much to really be a friend on the way she usually is
She JUST had a baby and is basically living at the hospital for her or for the baby. Personally I wouldn’t even have the energy to respond to texts
Just keep checking in so she knows you are there for each other, and give her some time to find her footing in this new situation :]
I’m not sure if answering as a woman under 30 is allowed, but I think the best thing you can do is communicate and take care of yourself. While your fears about growing apart are valid and understandable, giving space to let that fear go is also important. Your friend’s short responses paired with major life and health events seems like a very real, and human reason to be less socially active.
You can choose what story you tell yourself too! And you can’t force anyone to let you in, speak about it, etc. Even when you’re close and love each other dearly, no one person fits all for a person’s individual needs. Your friend may need space to process in a way that feels safe and that may be with those closer to her situation (immediate family) or others that have personal experience.
To stay connected when in different stages of life, I believe the most we can do is make sure they know that metaphorically, no bridges have been burned and your door is always open to them. You can let them know you care and you’re here. But know that their capacity to reciprocate or give friendship is and will not be static. It’s the same for you! You do you the best you can, make sure those who you love know how much you love them and make new connections that meet you where you are now!
‘Moving on’ and disconnecting doesn’t have to be a friendship breakup. You can honor and value the time you had in life and welcome them back anytime the stars align. That’s how I process as I watch my family and friends grow up and develop in their own unique ways. Also, easier said than done! It’s only natural to mourn the prior relationship that is undergoing changes.
I mean I think you need to reframe this specific issue away from motherhood and more of a health/life crisis. What she is going through isn’t normal for pregnancy, labour and postpartum. She should be at home with her baby. Yes, new motherhood is a struggle but this is beyond that. I don’t know her life but it’s likely this is one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing she’s ever lived through.
She’s in and out of the hospital, probably just playing it a day at a time and hoping her baby is going to be okay. She’s also got her own issues. Personally I haven’t been there but I have been through the constant ins and out of hospital for ill family members. It’s exhausting. It completely ruins the day to day of your life. And that was me as a teen/adult helping other adults. I was also healthy myself.
I would just keep checking in and tell her you’re thinking of her and the baby. When this crisis is over then you can look at possibly visiting or catching up. But yeah, this isn’t normal “my friend’s new mom” this is “my friend is going through a horrible time and she is literally just trying to survive.”
You will recalibrate eventually. There was a ‘how do i incorporate this new identity into all my relationships’ adjustment period with several of my new mom friends. Keep at it, she’ll thank you.
You know your friend better than any of us do. Don’t think of this as a motherhood issue. Since you two have been friends for so long I’m sure you have gone through difficult times before, how were you there for each other?
When we don’t know what to do we do things that would be comforting to ourselves, if we were in their situation, is there anything she’s done for you or another friend that you can think of?
Just a suggestion but if she doesn’t want to talk that’s fine. Maybe just a little text to let her know she’s on your mind, doesn’t have to be words, could be a cute meme or gif or emoji. Maybe something that would make her smile.
Your friend is going through intense health issues with a new baby. She needs your support and care. That doesn’t always mean going into intensive detail about all the wrong things – it can mean sending her a care package of snacks she likes and a bath bomb. It can mean suggesting a tv show you can both watch from afar together and discuss here and there. It can mean accepting some space for now while she is overwhelmed and coping, and sending her supportive texts with no expectation of response for a while. It can also mean going to see her and helping in person.
This isn’t the usual circumstances, so it’s time to take a different approach. But with your support she will be back to a better place soon.
She’s basically in a medical crisis right now if her child is in the ICU. She didn’t just have a baby, she had a majorly traumatic medical event and her baby is in the ICU. She wonders every day, every second right now, if her kid is going to die or be permanently disabled. I feel like you aren’t getting that this is likely the most stressful and scary thing that’s ever happened to and will ever happen to her. Having nothing to talk about right now/her having no bandwidth is not a predictor of you drifting apart. It’s just a wave of life that you have to ride while she gets through the acute part of this crisis.
Keep checking in and maybe send her a door dash gift card? My friend had a very rough 2nd premature delivery. I just let her know I loved her and was there for her and checked in every so often. You’ve been through a lot too, and maybe once things have settled for her more would be a better time for more conversations.
Yeah, to mirror others, this seems like an extreme situation and not just drifting due to a newborn
A practical suggestion kindly meant, it can be really tough to respond to a basic ‘how are you’ inquiry when things are really shit but you dont have the emotional energy to share/ text. she’s obviously doing terribly, and it’s a bit of a conversation non-starter / killer to only have that as a message, even if you genuinely are asking and wanting to support her, which you obviously are.
instead, try sending random messages of support and or love. just that you’re thinking of her, sending her love, that you recognize this is an incredibly tough time for her and you are here and sending love. if you live nearby, maybe bring by some meals and/or send some gift cards for food delivery? does she have any pets that you could stop by and take care of? practical support can be really helpful, too, and tough to ask for.
hope your friend and new little baby get to full health as quickly and smoothly as possible! and you and your friend can reconnect when things have settled down happily and healthily 🙂
My first came two months early and was in the NICU for 55 days. I was a brutal mess. NICU life is so fucking hard. You don’t know how to feel. You are lost. You have a baby and the baby lives at the hospital. Plus you are having to pump and do all the things you would with a baby but there is no baby. The baby is in an isolette. You have to ask nurses to temporarily unhook your baby so you can hold them. Mine was on so many tubes + CPAP. You can’t breastfeed. Literally the darkest time of my life. Every time your phone rings you dunno if it’s that one call you dread…
Give her time. I’d say give her space and let her reach out. Let her talk about her experience but don’t push it. You can see if she needs anything but right now, she only has one thing on her mind. Everything else is just not there. I cut everyone out for a bit because people say insensitive things and don’t understand the NICU. I only let myself be around people who understood because mentally I was so weak. I’m sorry she is going through this.
I’ve felt this way with some friends and my siblings once they became parents. No advice to give just wanted to say you’re not alone! I also didn’t know what to do to keep the conversation going and friendship intact.
What if… You tell her you’re going to call everyday at X hour to see how she’s doing. Tell her that she doesn’t need to pick up if she doesn’t feel like it, but call anyways like clockwork. This is rather drastic but she’s going through a lot and right now you need to be her friend even when She’s too emotionally drained to be a good friend back. When she picks up talk about whatever, maybe talking about Your issues inatead of hers let’s her take her mind of all of hers at least for a brief moment. Just be there for her, consistently even if there’s days in a row in which she doesn’t answer.
Check out /r/nicuparents . There are a bunch of posts from people looking for how to be supportive.
Right now she’s in a survival mode. She doesn’t have a time to think about you, she is just holding herself and her family together.
It won’t always be this way, so please don’t walk away from her.
My baby was in the NICU at children’s hospital and it was exhausting. I didn’t want to talk or see to anybody except my mom and husband to be honest. I could barely walk from so much trauma that happened. I had a nurse friend who worked at that hospital, who wanted to know how everything went. I ran into her at the lobby. She wanted to have a coffee chat and catchup in between my visit to see my baby at NICU. No. I don’t have time for you. I actually hated that suggestion. She didn’t understand the situation and I didn’t have the energy to explain everything.
Just tell her what you wrote here. That you want to keep checking in, but you don’t want to add to her stress, so what would her preference be around messages?
When one is no longer sure what to say to the sister of their heart, there remain myriad things that one can still do.
You could offer:
To take her to dinner, or a show, or some outing that gives her mind a little break from the weight of everything currently on her plate.
Or to run errands, whether it’s with her to give her a break from the endless hospital corridors or for her when she can’t get away to do them on her own
Or do research for information and available resources that would be of use; with concise details that are both easily digestible and highly pertinent to a looming decision or situation
Or to pick things up for her – books or magazines (whether physical copies or digital), her favorite coffee or tea order from her favorite beverage spot, or healthy-tasty snacks &/or lunch & dinner options for at home or Peds floor meals
Or fux up a “niceness bag”:
6 a cute coin purse with a roll of quarters (for the hospital vending machines)
Any number of little things really, just as long as the things you do communicates to her your understanding of her need for no words just now, plus the vast depth of the sisterly love you share.
💓 You got this, girlfriend….
I don’t think this is a typical “busy new mom” situation, and you’d be doing your friend a disservice to treat it like one. She gave birth prematurely and her baby is still in the NICU. That is a crisis. That’s on top of the reality of adjusting to new parenthood. It’s on top of the hormonal/chemical rollercoaster she’s undoubtedly riding postpartum, plus or minus the trauma of her birth experience and maybe PPD. She’s undoubtedly been unable to bond with her baby the way she probably imagined, and she’s having to spend a significant part of her day, every day, in a terrible, high-stress environment surrounded by other struggling infants and frightened parents, and then go home without her baby.
Your friend is in hell, OP. Give her grace, keep checking in and letting her know you’re thinking of her, and don’t hold this time against her because it sounds like a real nightmare.
You could ask, hey I want to be able to support you in some way can I send you a food package as a way to show I’m there and care even from afar? Etc…
No one going through that can focus on anything except the well-being of their child
Her and baby are in the center of the support circle right now. So she doesn’t have energy to put anything out, she just needs love coming in.
Texts might be easier for her right now. “Thinking of you and baby, hope you’re feeling lots of love and support.”
“Just saw a blah blah / inside joke thing, made me think of you. I hope today has good news.” It might feel a little cheesy but one day she’ll be ready to chit chat again and she’ll remember your consistency
Maybe keep things light while she is going through this very unusual and emotionally draining situation. She doesn’t have the energy to respond or be there emotionally for you? Fine just say “thinking of you!” And tell her explicitly no need to respond.
Or, maybe you can find lower threshold ways to engage. Could you suggest watching a movie or a tv show together over the phone so it feels like she’s hanging out but with almost no effort? No life updates, no work, just bad or formulaic tv that doesn’t matter? Sometimes it’s about just being there for her, not the depth of the conversation.
It might help with some emotional labor to think of something that may help without putting the onus on her asking. No “let me know if you need anything.” Send her a DoorDash gift card so she (or her partner) doesn’t have to worry about food one night.
Get her a meal plan, hire a house cleaning service for her. Send flowers (if she’s not allergic). Things are already hard for her, she doesn’t need to talk if she doesn’t want to. Just be there