A year into dating, my bf and I moved together with a roommate about a year ago. We’re coming up to 2 years dating this fall. Recently my bf has been very depressed lately and we both gave diagnosed depression so it’s not an extremely rare occurrence for him to go through a phase like this.
However, this time is different because one day my bf called me after going on a walk and told me he wants to try living on his own and plans to move out by the end of this year. We’ve talked since then and he told me that he does NOT want to break up with me but he wants to feel what it’s like to be an independent adult. He feels like he is too emotionally dependent on me and wants space between us.
He also feels like I have my life together and he doesn’t, and he wants to feel he can make his big own decisions without it affecting me. He also added that he can’t guarantee we will move in together again after some time living separately. Finally, he told me this is something he has been feeling for months and will not compromise on.
It’s been a few days since he first told me and I haven’t been handling it well. I feel so upset about this news. I’m aware that perhaps we moved in too soon, that he does need his own space, but I feel like this is also a step back for our relationship. I feel like we are becoming two different people, where he wants to explore adulthood by himself but I want a stable relationship and want to explore life with him.
Again, he said he doesn’t want to break up but I’ve felt unhappy about this news all week now and I don’t know if I can be in a relationship with someone who shares different goals in life. Moving in with him has made me so happy and it’s what I’ve always wanted in a relationship so this has left me feeling confused and I don’t know how to fix it. Is there any way to navigate this?
TL;DR: Bf and I have lived together for a year. Bf wants to move to experience being an adult on his own. I feel very upset about this and not entirely sure if this is what I want in a relationship.
Comments
It’s not unreasonable especially if you thought this was a relationship that could go the distance to want to explore adulthood independently and not live with the same person forever at 18
It’s also not unreasonable to feel that’s a step backwards in your relationship
The thing is, if this relationship does last, and you talk him out of moving out now, he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on and at 25 or 30 he’s going to feel even more strongly about it than now and it could lead to a split then or all sorts of things because he doesn’t know what he did or didn’t miss out on and the feelings fester and become more intense.
Another alternative, if you think the relationship is one they will last, is that you both get the opportunity to be adults independently and then either grow your relationship at a reasonable pace over time and nobody feels they missed out or you figure out that you want different things and it ends later.
Realistically though, you’re teenagers and have a lot to figure out about yourselves and life and it’s very likely this isn’t your forever.
So if this isn’t something you want to do in a relationship then you can also break up now and find someone who wants what you do.
Neither of you is wrong and this is one of those adult things that sucks and you need to figure out some big picture stuff about yourselves and your goals and plans.
i think probably several things are true here. The relationship is not working for him because it exposes his shortcomings, and he’s depressed etc, however it’s also making you feel like it’s a step back. Overall it’s fairly mature of him to tell you these things rather than keep pretending. Truth is, you aren’t really progressing if both of you aren’t happy for whatever reason. Both of your feelings are valid however i think it’s asking a lot of you to seperate but keep dating. He’s feeling an itch because he’s young and probably also seeing young people travel, make new friends, go to college all the things and he’s feeling inadequate. My best advice is to let him go. Young relationships can only work if both parties are willing to work 100% at it, and he’s scared right now