TL;DR Bf and I were on a break, I reached out to ex who offered paintings we used to have and asked to get him, also sent a meme about liking having a more introverted friend than I.
I have been dating my bf for about 8 months now and I really like him a lot. He is very reliable, helpful, super attractive but in my opinion thinks a bit too black in white. I have an ex 22m that I ended up forging a friendship from the failed relationship. The ex was avoidant and we didn’t have the same wants for in the future so it didn’t work out but we still bond about true crime, art and at one point were each others rock when neither of us had family. I felt I wanted to be loyal to some aspect of the relationship like being there if he had no one to go to because I feel bad he doesn’t have a strong family to lean on.
I told my bf that I still talked to my ex and told him I still had love for him, which I think is a mistake as it caused misunderstandings but I meant I just still cared about him. My bf and I had an argument about him not planning dates and he went on to say he needed to work on himself to get more money and feel better about his life, I begged him to not take a break from the relationship but to work through it with me but he said he probably will come back but is not sure. While we weren’t on a break my ex asked me if I wanted paintings we had picked out a long time ago and previously I said no because I already had the boundary of not seeing him while in a relationship but when this break happened I wanted those paintings so I told him I’d get them on my lunch break on a set day.
My bf and I got back together after like 2 days of this break so I told him about my plan to get the paintings and showed him the texts because I wanted to make sure he knew what was happening and in the texts I sent a meme that said “ I only like people more introverted than me “ because it’s true he is one of the few people I don’t feel overwhelmed having a friendship with and that really upset my boyfriend because he said it wasn’t just about me getting the paintings and I guess that is sort of true maybe I’d say hey I hope your switch to van life goes good and I care about you. After this happened and my bf thinks I can’t let this ex go I just told my ex I was sorry to flake but I can’t get the paintings, we can’t be friends even only texting because I need to have clear and cut boundaries and blocked him and I saw he blocked me on fb and yeah I’m a little bummed and feel naive i tried to have a friendship but I also I felt relieved that this problem would end and i wouldnt be seen as a cheater anymore.
Then when hanging out with my bf I was driving and I saw these two guys waiting on the sidewalk and I thought “ oh this turn is gonna be always while these two dummies take forever to cross and there’s a bunch of cars behind me “ but my bf thought I was checking them out and I stood up for myself that I wasn’t and I never think about other men in a sexual way like that and he says he just says that because he knows I like attention.
I want to give more information about the dynamic of my relationship to explain why we got to this point. I am a more free feeling person and not jealous and Ive expressed that a bit of light flirting isnt the end of the world to me but he expressed it’s super disrespectful so I am more thoughtful in this relationship. In the past I have described my ex as super great with money because he is and I hope that my bf now and I can replicate that for ourselves but I definitely think that is something that I didn’t express well and caused insecurity in him. I wish he really believed me when I tell him he is the kind of man I’d like to have a marriage and family with and wasn’t so insecure. I thought cutting off my friend would nip this in the bud and I’m not mad that he is insecure but mad that it has turned into him saying I am an emotional cheater and attention seeking girl.
I feel weird because I don’t feel like I’ve hidden anything and I don’t feel guilty because I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong and this problem is affecting my view of myself. I want to move past this and have a secure relationship.
Comments
You’re doing way, way more than your fair share of the emotional work and communication work here.
You’re trying to find a solution to a problem that isn’t your problem to solve.
Your boyfriend is young, doesn’t know himself well, and isn’t/can’t communicate well. I’m sure he was feeling some kind of way about things when he suggested the break. Maybe he was feeling low self esteem, maybe he wanted to hook up with a further romantic partner and it’s projecting. Maybe both?!
Whatever it is, that’s his shit to figure out and it doesn’t seem like he’s ready to be in a committed relationship.
By all means keep thinking about what YOUR boundaries are when it comes to contact with your ex’s. But all the rest of this drama… You don’t need that shit. Give your boyfriend a chance to pull his head out of his ass, but I wouldn’t count on it happening.
Hey op, Breakup with him, he(or you) deserves better. Tbh it’s not your mistake, but if i would be in his place, i would have felt the same, because someone who still keeps contacts with her ex and accepts “I still had love for him” is a big red flag for me and its not his mistake that he is feeling insecure about it now. Breakup and let him stay happy mentally, and first move on from your ex before getting into a new relationship.
You talked about still loving/having love for your ex. I’ve always felt like once the lines blur from friendship, it’s time to make a choice. I wouldn’t stay around in a less than a year relationship, with your ex you have love for, hanging over our relationship either. You are trying to minimize what you said there but those words had meaning.
Yes, your boyfriend needs to mature, also. He isn’t handling this well at all.