So some background. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and a half. We met in college and have been living together for 8 months now. He left to work in another state for the entire summer and recently he came back for a week to view places due to our lease ending. During that time we got into a fight. He has now left to go back to his job and I took a day or two to think about everything then decided to talk to him. I was going to try and call him but where he is, that isn’t gonna work. So here are the texts, the texts will clear up everything I missed. Now this is gonna be LONG but I feel it’s good I don’t leave anything out.
Me : are you going to sleep
BF: Yeah im beat i maybe got max 2 hrs of sleep on the concrete at the airport. Worked 12 hrs today too. Is it something important?
Me: I’m in the same boat I’m tired too. I was just wanting to talk to you about something that has been bothering me, I can wait till tm tho.
BF: no what’s up
Me: Ok I know ur tired but I have been thinking about the fight we got into while you were here and the more I have been thinking about it the more it has been rubbing me the wrong way and I wanted to communicate how I was feeling because I’m feeling frustrated.
Bf: I apologized and set boundaries
Me : Ik you did and thank you for it. but there were some aspects to our conversation I did not like and I wanted to bring up to you so we could work on whatever
Bf: ok
Me: I only had like 3 main points I wanted to get off my chest about how I felt. Please really take into consideration my feelings.
Bf: ok
Me : So first off, I found what I found and was like wtf and then yes, you did “lay everything out” for me and then said sorry. It felt more of like a ” I’m sorry ur upset because you found out” type of sorry more than a ” I’m sorry my actions hurt you” type of sorry. especially because right after you hit me with ” but technically per ur rules I didn’t do anything wrong”. This to me made me feel like you were more focused about defending yourself instead of focusing on the fact that what you did was obviously hurtful to me.
Another thing that bothered me was I brought up the fact that I have sent you stuff and getting told ” that gets old after watching it so many times ” that was genuinely so hurtful to hear, then for me to say something along the lines of “wow I don’t even resemble any of these women” and I do not remember exactly verbatim what you said I just remember feeling like you sort of dismissed my feelings. It made me feel very insecure and if I’m being vulnerable rn ugly, I felt ugly. Then you said well you made me feel like I was uncomfortable with sending you anything because of things I had said in the past, ect. My thing with that was you never had an actual conversation with me about my boundaries on that you just assumed.
And last you telling me “well what’s the difference between pornhub and insta”. First i told you what i thought the difference was in MY mind was and you argued with me about why, in YOUR mind it didn’t make sense, then kept asking. You had a right to ask the question. I’m not saying you did not. I am saying tho I dont think it was cool of you at all to make me justify my own feelings. It just made me feel like again you were more focused on winning an argument rather than seeing me, your girlfriend was upset. And then when I said I needed 10 min YOU SET A TIMER. I know you did because I was on the couch when it was going off then you texted me “it’s been 10 min”. This was not a timer situation I was needed a few min to just breath and think. You turning it into a countdown made it feel like you were more focused on when you could talk again than on giving me the time I needed. And that honestly hurt my feelings.
At the end of the day I love you a lot and that is why l’m trying to communicate these issues I’m having, I am trying to take into consideration the fact you were a little tipsy but even with that it just hurt my feelings a lot.
Bf : I feel like we talked about most these points the morning after and i get it your still upset. Im sorry ill try better, but idk what else you want to hear Not meaning that with attitude Just saying we have already talked about it i have already apologized, just apologized again and idk what else to say But im beat and i need to go to bea so in sorry again but i love you and i hope you sleep good
Me: I get that you’re tired and I’m really not trying to make this a whole thing, but honestly I don’t feel like what I said was really heard. I wasn’t just looking for another quick I’m sorry I just wanted some real understanding and for you to really see how everything made me feel. I’m not trying to fight, I’m just trying to talk through things. If you’re not in a place where you wanna do that or don’t really have the energy to, that’s something I kinda need to know too. Goodnight
Bf : I understand how you feel that you are still upset im just not sure what your looking for I understand the issue and im soery but idk what else u want
Me: I told you exactly what I wanted. I’m not asking for anything crazy l just wanted to feel like you actually understood how what you did affected me. I’m confused why that’s confusing to you. In my last text I literally said “I’m not looking for another quick sorry, just wanted some real understanding and for you to really see how everything made me feel”. And all I’m getting is “I’m sorry, I know ur still upset but idk what else you want from me”.
Bf : Hunny i understand how you feel I understand your really upset We have talked about it 3 times now Idk what else to say except sorry
Me: “I didn’t realize how much that actually hurt you. I’m really sorry for making you feel that way. especially after you were that vulnerable with me and said you felt ugly and everything else. That wasn’t okay, and I want to do better.”
Bf: I do realize how upset you are. I told you already that ill do better. And ive apologized a couple times just in this conversation
Me: Yeah, we’ve talked about it. The first time was about the action itself. The second was just a recap. What l’m really trying to say now is that I’m not happy with parts of how you responded I felt unheard. I know you’ve apologized, but it feels like you’re just saying sorry without addressing why I felt the way I did. When I say sorry, I try to say more than just the word I explain myself and show I get it. Like in my last apology, I said I wasn’t trying to question you, just curious, and I’m trying to be more mindful My feelings matter so laying out what I wanted and being met with idk what else you want from me was frustrating
Right now it kind of feels like you’re giving me surface level apologies just to make me drop it not because you really understand where l’m coming from. I feel like I’ve been trying to talk to you in a really respectful and mature way this whole time, but I’m honestly just getting frustrated. Especially because when I go back and read stuff from when you were upset with me, like you get kinda rude when you are irritated with me. “It’s like a kid saying why”. I keep seeing that and knowing it’s all because I asked a quick question that I didn’t take as questioning more of communication. And now I’m sitting here feeling like maybe you just don’t even like me sometimes.
Bf : I do like you hunny im just done arguing all of the time. I dont feel like it’s necessary to unravel every single word i have said for you to get another apology. This is the last time. Im sorry, im not dismissing your feelings or the situation but im just done bickering about it. I love you so much and i hope we can move past this situation in the future.
Me : I love you too. wasn’t trying to argue, I was just trying to feel understood. That is why I have been a little more “assertive” when it comes to some stuff lately. It sucks that me opening up about how I felt is being seen as bickering. Just because it’s resolved for u doesn’t mean it’s fully resolved for me yet tho. Have a good day at work. (Later in da day)
Me : Can I ask you something be honest? Do you think I’m the problem in some of this? Bf : No Just dont want to talk about it cause it just turns into an issue cause idk what u want because a sorry doesnt work for you So i dont wanna talk about it cause i get irritated
Me : It’s not that sorry doesn’t work for me. it’s that when it feels surface level or like it’s just being said to end the conversation is when it bothers me. I feel like apart of relationships are having these uncomfortable conversations.
Bf : Its not that its uncomfortable its frustrating Cause i cant say anything right
Me: I’m not expecting you to say everything perfectly.
Bf : Theres nothing else i can really say besides sorry and ok and its getting annoying Like you said your beating the dead hoarse 5 times
Me: I said ik it’s like beating a dead horse but I would rather beat it 5+ times if that helped me get over everything.
Sorry ik it’s long but I have to include everything. I am feeling frustrated and I want to figure out how to talk things out better with him, I feel like I’m explaining my side well but maybe I’m not. Maybe I am expecting too much? How would you handle this?
TLDR : My boyfriend and I got into a fight that left me feeling really hurt and insecure. He apologized, but it felt surface-level—more like “sorry you’re mad” than “sorry I hurt you.” When I tried to explain how his responses made me feel dismissed, he got frustrated and said he didn’t know what else I wanted. I wasn’t asking for a fix, just to feel understood. Now he sees it as bickering, and I’m left feeling like my emotions are too much or not being taken seriously.