hi! i am (19F) in a long/medium distance relationship of 2 years im studying and my (20M) bf doesnt know what he wants to do ( the distance is a few hours to be exact, we can take a three train to see each other every week) like any girl, i love the idea of being taken on a date. i love the idea of not having to plan it out and not knowing the details. i also love planning dates as much as being taken on one!
my boyfriend however, unfortunately doesn’t come through. over the years, i have planned out LOTS of elaborate dates for us from his favourite movie with a live orchestra, dinners, exhibitions for his favourite shows, markets.
the conversations about it have started in around november 2023. i have been nice and gentle about it while reassuring him, he’s been open and vulnerable with me about some of the things holding him back from doing it which i have come up with solutions to, i have cried to him about it, ive been firm and even frustrated. but it NEVER CHANGES. on our first anniversary i planned an elaborate picnic and we agreed he’d plan our two year, but i ended up doing it because he was taking way too long and had no ideas for dinner. for my graduation he booked a beautiful weekend hotel stay and took me to a theme park knowing i wanted to go back to it, and he surprised me with cigarettes after sex tickets for my birthday last year, which was the most incredible gift ever. so i know he CAN. but he WONT.
my boyfriend is the SWEETEST man. he shows up for me in every single way. he’s there the second i need him, makes my life easier in so many ways that i wouldn’t even think twice about, bonds with my friends and family, takes care of me physically, mentally. but for some reason he can’t do this one thing that i have asked him for SO MANY TIMES. i’m not asking for $100 dinners every single week. just something to show effort and taking initiative.is this something i just have to accept?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You can’t exactly force him to do things he doesn’t want to do. Since it seems like he makes efforts on some big things, you might have to be content with that. No relationship is ‘perfect.’ If he’s good in most things except for this one thing, is it really worth sabotaging the rest of the relationship for?
he may be the sweetest but he is a sweet jackass.
There is no excuse for his behaviour.
Is he capable ? or does he just not want to ?
My GF had very little experience with being romantic and planning things, I am the planner generally speaking. Her attempts seemed half hearted and eventually she just complained that she wasnt romantic and didnt know what to do. So I said a) pay attention to what I like b) when it comes to gifts google “how to be romantic” and “romantic gifts for men” etc. That was it, she googled things for a while then she took off on her own.
Maybe you need to train your BF ?
One potential cause of this (as it has happened to me) is if he has had ideas / dates / etc… rejected in the past it can make you a lot more weary to put something out there as you know it will likely be rejected. It might not be the case and it could be something else. Are there any other stresses in his life that could cause the lack of planning dates? going with the generous outlook in that he’s not just lazy 😄
He doesn’t care to. That’s the problem.