So I’ve been with my bf for 4 years. We love each other and to be honest see a bright future together. We love eachother and get along so well. The only problem is our sex life and how I feel about myself in his eyes.
Throughout our entire relationship we have had issues in the bedroom. When we first had sex for the first times, he had problems getting hard, feeling sensation and even had a low sex drive. We both assumed it was “death grip syndrome” and went from there. I learned about halfway into our relationship that he watched a lot of porn, followed and liked a lot of ig girls ect. So the past year has been us working on that. And I’m proud of him for working on this for us.
Now throughout our entire relationship I’ve never really felt desired consistently. I always felt like his attention was elsewhere even during sex. Me getting out of the shower didn’t really get a reaction. Me trying to seduce him in some way wasn’t usually met with immediate lust, more of a wolf whistle and that’s it.and on top of that he has a low libido and I always felt like I was begging for sex 2-3x a week.
Now I don’t want to have sex every day or even every other day. I just want to feel desired. In a way that my ex or even short hookups made me feel. I felt so sexy then, even if my ex was watching porn regularly. I never was this jealous in any relationship. And what’s weird is that he is not jealous at all towards me and even when a guy blatantly flirts with me. But he said he felt more jealousy towards his ex (she lowkey cheated on him so idk)
I saw the girls he would like and follow on ig and they were nothing like me. Which led me to think that’s his “animalistic desire type” that gets him fired up. The girls I’d see him glance at were always curvy too. Something I’m not. This has caused some arguments over me being hyper vigilant and watching him. But honestly I don’t feel I’d do this if I felt more desired in our relationship.
He told me that he’s very attracted to me, sexually physically and emotionally, but is confused why he felt this high desire for his ex and other women but not me consistently. Sometimes we think it’s cultural since I’m from another country and speak a different native language. And he has had fantasies that he has to block out during sex of my body being replaced with a different one. And not even a curvy one, just a different kind. Since he has stopped watching porn he realized that it might not be the porn making his desire for me lower, it’s that he’s sexually frustrated even being with me who has the higher libido. His libido is low and he even feels weird making out. We have had great sex though and in those rare moments I feel so desired. But it’s quite rare.
I guess idk if this is normal or if it’s something to worry about. I just want to feel desired by my bf without this fear that his mind is wandering and fantasizing about a different body. I just don’t feel beautiful or sexy around him even though he says it often. I guess I don’t feel like his preference. It’s sad too because I feel like I’m the hottest I’ve ever been. Ive been working on myself and really proud of how far I’ve come. I’m fit 5.4 and 117 lbs, small everything, waist, chest, booty. Light eyes dark hair. And just a tiny bit boney but still thick in the legs. My bf was never my physical preference if I’m being honest. My ex was quite the opposite, very different body type and even facial structure. but over time I fell in love with my bf and he became that for me. I have no problem feeling desire for him even when his weight fluctuates.
Idk what to do, it’s making me so self conscious and feel like he is attracted to me sure, but something about me doesn’t make him lust over me or really like sex.
TLDR:
My bf 23 M said he’s very attracted to me 23F but doesn’t feel that burning animalistic desire, even since the beginning.
Comments
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He’s blaming you for something that is a simple fact. Inside him. He’s been, in effect, lying for four years. Now, whose fault would that be? Sure as hell not yours. It sounds like a cowards way of trying to hurt you enough to leave so he can move on to whomever else he’s found. It has nothing to do with you.
Hard to believe your guy would have a “burning animalistic desire””” for any woman given his low libido. IMO you are torturing yourself over what sounds to me like sexual incompatibility. He is low libido and you have high. That is not likely to change imo. You are soo young to be tethered to a guy who frankly you aren’t satisfied with in bed. I would seriously consider ending this relationship.
So he has a porn addiction which is now affecting his real intimate life.
I appreciate you wanting to feel desired intensely.. but going as far as to say you want a partner to have ‘animalistic desire’, I must say is a little odd, very unrealistic and not really a normal occurrence.
In any long-term relationship, things typically feel very calm, safe and potentially even ‘boring’. Whilst there is some desire yes, it sounds like what you’re describing more is lust or limerence, and you miss this excitement. It’s totally acceptable and understandable to WANT to feel desired in your relationship sexually/romantically, but I do feel the expectations you’re holding him to are a little too high, considering most relationships 4 years in will hit a plateau or ups and downs.
This being said, it still doesn’t excuse a porn addiction, and I can totally understand why you feel your intimacy within the relationship may have been put on the back burner. There may definitely be some men out there who can maintain this intense lust you desire for 4 whole years that you feel you need, but I am yet to meet one. Life isn’t typically any kind of movie-style intensity.
I don’t think it’s useful to pick apart each other’s appearance. Sure, be confident, but the reason he’s not having sex much or having issues, is nothing to do with you like you’ve already mentioned. If you want to be with him and work through this, then do so. But it sounds like you’re finding excuses to leave as it is.
Quite simply, you aren’t getting what you want from this relationship. Don’t waste your 20’s. There is plenty of time for low libidos and infrequent sex 40 years from now.
You’re sexually incompatible. Is that something you’re willing to accept?
Personally I feel long term relationships are much easier when you’re sexually compatible. It can help ease a lot of the problems and stresses of life that naturally occur. I think deciding to stay with someone that you know doesn’t desire you is deciding to have a very hard time trying to make it work for the duration of your relationship.
It sounds like you are good friends that got really confused and ended up as lovers…
So you have been in a relationship for four years and have always had bedroom problems, yet he just started working on it last year. This means you have withstood a lot, putting yourself after his necessity of watching porn. You have put yourself second because you think this is a beautiful relationship that you don’t want to lose.
You are losing your self-esteem; please be careful. You are doubting you are beautiful because when we are in a relationship, sometimes we put our value not through our eyes but through the eyes of someone else.
His actions speak more than his words. If he is putting up excuses like “cultural differences,” then you have to analyze what makes this relationship have “a bright future.”
Are you willing to sacrifice your sex life for all the other things that work in a relationship?