TL;DR at the bottom
I (21F)have been with my partner (23/24M) for what will mark 7 years this year. My partner and I got into a petty argument about something. He said really hurtful things yet he refused to fix it through “communication” afterwards. So we agreed he will make it up through “gifts”. He asked me what I wanted and I said honestly just get food since we both were exhausted from work and didn’t want to cook. We agreed on that and he also asked if I wanted flowers and I said sure but please don’t just bring flowers… i would like food as well. Again, so we didn’t have to cook. I very rarely receive flowers from him so I was a bit shocked that he even asked. We also discuss that he would get something to “represent our love” since this was his way of apologizing. To get something that is meaningful.. he nods, we kiss, he leaves to go get his car worked on with his sister and mechanic. I am still upset but I try to brush it off since he’s working on fixing it. He then texts me asking me what colors I am thinking of etc and it bothers me a bit that he can’t do this on his own. Especially since he’s well aware of all my favorite things.. we have discussed my favorite flowers and colors etc. I keep my annoyance to myself & answer his questions. He was gone for hours. He was getting his oil changed & a noise checked by a family friend which doesn’t take long. I was honestly getting hangry but I thought maybe he was still shopping or something. He ends up calling me telling me he’s at Walmart… which was a bit odd since that’s very far from where he was at with his sister. But I thought maybe it was for the food. Long story short, he comes home and he only has flowers…. Dead/dying flowers. I completely lost it. I am not proud of it at all but that was the final straw to push me over the edge. I start hysterically crying/yelling because no way he ONLY brought home flowers and not just any flowers but dead/dying flowers to “represent our love”… and no food!!!! I asked what happened and he said “what?! I got you flowers like you wanted. Sorry I took long getting them”. He puts the flowers down and his phone on the kitchen table where I am standing. This is important for later. I then noticed the flowers weren’t even from Walmart they were from a local grocery shop… that’s across the street from us. That made me even more angry cause why did he lie about where he was? and why was he gone for so long? He told me that he was at Walmart so I didn’t suspect where he was buying flowers from. which makes no sense since we already discuss what he was going to get prior. So food and flowers wasn’t going to be a surprise. I was yelling at the top of my lungs and felt beyond upset. He kept brushing me off and he completely shuts down when he’s asked questions. & just throws “i’m sorry” for a response here and there. I turn to put my head down on the table to cool down. Because at this point I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I go to move his phone to the other side of the table and noticed his sister was on the line the entire time… she heard everything. I hung up the call and when I told him she was on the line he seemed ok about it which led me to believe he knew that she was on the line. I go to our bedroom to cool off because this was too much for me. Later on he ends up telling me to relax that he told his sister that I was yelling at the dog. Why on earth would I yell at the dog about the topic we argued about ? At this point I accepted she heard me and that was that. The next day comes and I noticed his mom calling and him trying to keep the conversation short, “talk to you later” and side eyeing me. Keep in mind that his mother is a pastor and I am assuming his sister told his mom about my yelling. I feel pretty embarrassed now that I think his mom knows which means everyone knows. What makes matters worse he told them that lie about the dog…which makes it seem worse than telling the truth, in my opinion. Also, later that same night I saw he had multiple pictures of one of my favorite flowers. He explained that those were at the store & he was going to buy them for me but ended up with the other ones (the dead ones). The picture showed they were fully stocked in those, similar price to the dead ones, all healthy and beautiful. I was honestly speechless that he saw my favorite flowers, took multiple pics and bought dying/dead random flowers instead. This really hurt me and I spent my night crying myself to sleep. I haven’t spoken about it since I can’t stop crying while thinking about it & all he does is say “I’m sorry”. My thing is I am spending an entire weekend with his family for 4th of July. I honestly don’t want to show my face especially since I won’t be able to keep up the lie that I was yelling at our dog. But I already took this time off from work and they are expecting us. His mom and grandmother are really judgmental so I don’t know how to fix this. Do I show face during the holiday? Is there a good way to address this issue? He has moved on from it. even after I told him how I felt, he apologized and that was it. I feel so lost and really hurt. He makes me feel like I’m being dramatic but I feel so unheard and disrespected. Is there a way to fix this mess before the holiday? I would appreciate some, much needed, advice !
TL;DR- partner and I had an argument. He was going to apologize through food & flowers (since we didn’t want to cook after working). It was supposed to “represent our love”. He ends up bringing no food, dead/dying flowers only & we argued again. He “butt dialed” his sister and she heard everything, me yelling at him. Is there a way to fix all this before having to see his family for 4th of July weekend?
Edit: should maybe clarify we are big foodies. So usually if we get to this point I buy him his favorite foods, he buys mine. So “represent our love” is usually like a food that we shared a memory with, meaningful to our heritage etc. Or we cook together etc. It’s our love language if you will. It’s a way for us to cool off if that makes sense. We end up eating and calming down after and usually realizing how stupid our fight was. Perhaps the language I used wasn’t the best to describe it. Especially given I was upset while typing my post
Comments
Girl, if the flowers represent your love?
The relationship is dead.
He sounds horrible. Please put this relationship out of its misery.
He is playing ridiculous passive-aggressive games with you. He deliberately got the wrong flowers to provoke your anger while his sister was listening, so that you would appear “crazy” in front of her and she would turn against you. This is one of the most manipulative things I’ve heard in a while and you shouldn’t tolerate it. Do not try to fix things. Just break up and find someone more emotionally mature.
Girl…GIRL!! He and his sister set you up to sound abd look unhinged. Something foul is going on behind your back. You need to keep a clear head and get to the bottom of this mess.
He said he is going to make up with gift by getting something that represent your love and just get dead flowers instead of your favorite flowers. I also think he let his sister on the line in purpose so you would end up as the problem in the eyes of his family no matter what you says since his sister doesn’t know what happened before, what he promised or what he bring to you.
Girl just dont visit his family if you dont want them to gang up on you. Just go spent time with your family or do better and dump his ass when he is away from you. What else do you need to break up with him?
>He said really hurtful things yet he refused to fix it through “communication” afterwards. So we agreed he will make it up through “gifts”.
That’s so odd to me. Why couldn’t he just communicate that he was sorry?
This relationship seems unhealthy from this one post. Why are you staying in it?
I mean… how does someone think dead flowers and zero communication is going to fix things? I get that he wanted to make amends, but why not just do something simple like cooking a meal together or having an actual conversation… what even was the point of all this if it wasn’t about fixing the problem?
When a relationship digresses to the point where one party is being punitive and transactional like this and the other partner is responding with passive aggression it’s just over. A true apology can only be through words. Demanding that money be spent on you is mercenary beyond belief. Just break up already.
He set you up on purpose with his sister as witness. He’s going to break up with you and needed buy in from his family.
Girl don’t even worry about attending family gatherings. Get out of there. This is crazy.
Make some excuse for not going with him and spend your time off getting yourself sorted to leave him. Get your finances separated if they’re not, see to the living situation, get your belongings away from him and above all else, document everything on your way so he can’t pretend like you’ve damages anything. I don’t know what his ultimate goal is, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be absolutely awful for you if you don’t get out soon.
There’s no need to get so angry about this. He’s communicated his feelings to you. The love between you is dead in his eyes. It’s time to move on. Don’t spend your fourth of July with his family. What’s the point? This relationship began when you were a child of 14. You’ve both changed. It’s time to move on. There are other men out there who communicate directly and don’t apologize for something they clearly aren’t even sorry about. After seven years, your childhood romance has finally run its course. This is going to hurt for a while, but you’ll come out of it stronger and more confident, with a better idea of what you want in a man.
Girl. Gifts as a substitution for communication? I stopped reading.
Flowers, if you like them, should be just because/I was thinking of you.
You’re the lady in the office who gets a bouquet delivered and people think it’s because he cheated or something.
This is not a good “agreement” to move forward with.
Gifts should be happy occasions, not symbols of fuck ups. Whether or not they were dead and dying is beside the point honestly.
First of all, you guys really aren’t very compatible when it comes to communication issues, and communication issues are the crux of any relationship.
Secondly, he knows exactly what he was doing. He deliberately did all of that. By choice. He set you up to look crazy, he bought you dead flowers to represent your relationship, he made sure his sister spread the story in the family… What more do you need? He doesn’t want to be with you, but he doesn’t want to be the one to end it. So, give him what he wants and end it.
I’m so sorry, but your boyfriend is an emotionally manipulative and abusive nightmare, and nothing about this was accidental: from the petty argument where he was really hurtful, but refused communication to fix it; to the agreement to apologise through gifts; to discussing what those gifts would be and what they’d represent; to the discussion before going out re food, and flowers to represent your relationship; to staying out for way longer than you were expecting and not letting you know; to lying about which shop he was in; to coming back without food; to bringing dead/dying flowers; to having pictures of your favourite flowers on his phone, and which he’d taken while he was out; to knowing you’d be upset and what your line,y reaction would be; and to having his sister listening on the line the whole time.
This was premeditated. For whatever reason , he set you up, and he wanted his family to be involved, most probably because he’s been portraying you as crazy and unhinged. Look, at this point, I seriously think there’s nothing to save in this relationship. These are not the actions of someone who loves and respects you; he doesn’t even like you. Please don’t go to the July 4th family celebrations because I guarantee there’ll be some kind if ambush lying in wait for you. Reach out to your family and friends, explain exactly what you did here – let them read it, plus the replies – and then get their support to leave him. You are being emotionally manipulated and abused, and you need to get away from him. Please don’t give him the chance to talk you round, because I’m sure he’s a master at getting you to do what he wants. OP, you deserve so much better than him. Updateme!
Honestly, the dead flowers and no food would be the last straw for the relationship. It would be at this point where I wouldn’t cry, wouldn’t yell, I would leave, buy myself food, eat and enjoy my dinner, calm down, walk through the door and then just dead stare break up with him and send him packing.
You two are not compatible. You want someone that will have a conversation with you and listen to you and whose actions match their words.
He is not that person.
Before this weekend have a scheduled conversation about your relationship as a whole. Establish both of your needs. If he won’t talk, or isn’t able/willing to meet your needs (and vice versa), the relationship is over.
You two were babies when you got together. It’s ok if you’ve grown out of this relationship.
This is super long so I didn’t really read it but I can tell you the answer from the title alone. You should break up and experience being single for at least a year. Age 21 is too young to have been with someone for 7 years. Nobody should spend the entirety of their formative years in a relationship, it probably warps your development in a way that’s very difficult to recover from to spend all that time and mental energy on a partner engaged in shit like what you’ve written. Get out and get to know yourself before you become a serial monogamist who spends their whole life incapable of sustaining a relationship with the right person because they’re too afraid of being alone with themselves.
I’m not reading past the part where you traded communicating for gifts. When you’re older ypu will know how colossally dumb this is.
That was not a butt dial
Why no food?
He hates you
Don’t keep making the same mistake just because you’re used to it. Don’t you ever want to be happy in your life? It definitely won’t happen in this relatonship.
I lost it at “he refused to fix it through ‘communication’ so we agreed he will make it up through gifts”. You’ve been together for 7 years like this?! Nope!
He lied about where he was and bought you dead flowers because that is how he feels about your relationship. He wants to break up but he wants you to be the bad guy. He made conscious choices that he knew would upset you and set you up to be the bad guy. You don’t need anything more than that. He may be also cheating since he lied about his location and was gone for so long. Whatever you do, do not go on that trip. You took time off, so enjoy some time alone and while you’re at it, pack up his shit for him. When he returns, show him the boxes and tell him you got him something that represents your love. This relationship is on life support, time to pull the plug.
If you have to ask your boyfriend to use his words you are dating a child. I appreciate the fact that you are in love with this man but you genuinely need to break up with him. I’m so sorry. Also for him to have his sister on the phone? That was a set-up girl. He is purposely making you look ‘crazy’ so that his family doesn’t see you in a positive light.
Bless you for having a pure heart but this man obviously does not. He actually sounds like he hates you tbh, is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life? We’re young! We’re only 21! We have the rest of our lives to live! He is very obviously trying to make you seem not only crazy but ‘ungrateful’ because you actually used your words and aren’t playing this childish passive aggressive game with him. Honestly if you weren’t already ‘in so deep’ he wouldn’t be able to date another woman acting like a little boy.
Paragraphs are neat I
This was a calculated move on his part. I would take a step back and really assess your relationship. I also find it sus he lied about location. Any chance he’s cheating? It’s clear his message is out love is dead.
MASSIVE RED FLAG:
>>”He said really hurtful things yet he refused to fix it through “communication” afterwards.”
This is a deal breaker for any relationship and should never be acceptable for anyone in any relationship to be given a pass on. If there isn’t clear, honest, genuine and open communication there there is not a healthy, respectful, trustworthy or genuinely loving relationship.