Every time we have any conversation about double standards he says that I should already know what I signed up for. That it’s okay if he does certain things and not okay if I do it. I told him I have compromised a lot for him. Even stopped going to the gym I liked so I can go to an all woman’s gym as he felt more comfortable with that. Lately he got back in contact with his friends that he had when we met.
(Mind you me and my bf met at a club where his friends dragged him all the time but it was my first time seeing them.)
These friends are in unhealthy relationships and go out and drink. My bf doesn’t drink. And the thing is I don’t have a problem if he hangs out with his friends. It used to be a problem because he would hang out with them more than me. Almost like everyday.. usually after I get off work on top of that. I tell him just because we live together doesn’t mean we’re actually hanging out. Neither do we go out anywhere as a date or a little quality time for us.
So anyways two days ago he goes hangs out with his friends and by 9 they want to go to a bar. My bf said he’s hungry and he’ll only go for the food (even though he stresses how much he would rather eat halal food). He didn’t end up going because he felt my vibe through text. He was upset. We talked about it when he got back and I was like okay.. go have fun. Keep me updated! I just don’t want them to drag you to clubs or anything which he replied that if that’s the case he would just go home.
Yesterday they invite him to the club And I was so upset that he even decided to go because.. why? Came back at 2am. Again he’s just the DD and doesn’t drink but I tell him that going to the club is single activities and how he wouldn’t like me doing that let alone go to a bar. While we had this conversation I told him that I’m not okay with it and he said he’s going to start doing what he wants and he doesn’t care. He’s tired of “feeling like he can’t go out” WHICH IS A STANDARD HE HIMSELF SET ON ME AND THE RELATIONSHIP. I never once told him “you can’t go/ you can’t do this” he made the choices to not go. And how does he think I feel? I have no family or friends in this state so going out isn’t much of an option unless I’m going with him or ALONE. We have not spoken at all today. I stopped sharing my location too & he said wow I move fast.. but really just want to make it clear how serious it is for me to establish those boundaries. If he doesn’t accept then obviously we won’t work.
But I’m tired of compromising and being okay with things that he’s not okay with me doing. It’s not fair. And I want him to compromise with me on this… I’ve said this to him too.
Is there hope for someone like this to really reconsider how something makes a person feel? I did it for him! Why can’t he do it for me?
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Why are you still dating him?
You both are wrong here. He shouldn’t push this clubbing standard on you while he goes out clubbing. He also should NOT be making you switch gyms and other stuff like that
You are being passive aggressive and not even trying to communicate with him.
You two should not be dating, you’re not compatible
Get out of this relationship.
It’s exhausting to constantly navigate double standards where your feelings are dismissed while his comfort is prioritized. His behavior reveals a deeper issue of control, not concern; he’s enforcing rules on you that he won’t follow himself because it’s about power, not partnership. The fact that he says he’ll “start doing what he wants” after you’ve sacrificed so much shows he’s not interested in fairness, only in having his way. You’ve already compromised by changing gyms and adjusting your social life, but a healthy relationship requires mutual respect, not one sided sacrifices. For there to be hope, he needs to acknowledge this imbalance and genuinely work on empathy but his defensive reaction suggests he’s unwilling. Stop sharing your location and stand firm on your boundaries if he can’t meet you with equal respect, you’re right that it won’t work. You deserve someone who champions your freedom as much as his own.
He prefers spending time with his friends to spending time with you. As well as friends and family, do you have a job that will not let you move back to where they live? If not, break up with him and return back to your life.
If you stay (you should still break up with him), is there a way that you can make friends at work or at the gym. I know that my town has a lot of groups like women’s hiking group, bike groups, running clubs, book clubs, craft groups, etc. Do you have that as a possible way to meet people?
Why ‘can’t’ he do it for you? He could, but he doesn’t want to. Go back and read the beginning of your post – you switched to an all women’s gym because…. He thought you would throw yourself at hot gym dudes? He thinks the gym dudes are going to force you to do things? Why? Because he’s a dick who doesn’t trust you to not see some other dude in gym shorts and cheat with.
What advice are you looking for?
Get your ducks in a row and if you don’t like the way you’re being treated, leave already.
Don’t compromise anymore. Go out when you want, rejoin the gym you want. See if what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Compromise goes both ways. If you can’t meet on the middle so you’re both comfortable, then he’s not the guy for you.
Sometimes I just don’t understand why people are still together.
Yeah, fuck that noise. Double standards are controlling. Doesn’t sound like you’re compatible. Walk…
damn so he wants u on a leash, but does the same things he limits u from?
girl go find u a man, not a boy who cant say no to his boyfriends
I have no advice on how to fix this relationship as, for me, this doesn’t sound like a relationship at all. Imo, leave and find someone you love and who loves you back.
I’m going to hold your hand when I say this: your boyfriend doesn’t respect you or consider you. You should seriously think about if you want to remain in this kind of relationship.
This is a toxic dumpster fire. There wasn’t a single normal, healthy, or ok thing in this entire post. It was littered with control, manipulation, gaslighting, and so much more. Don’t bother reevaluating anything, pack your stuff and run before it’s too late.
Why? Because he doesn’t give a fuck and because you’ve shown him that your standards are so low that you’ll allow this shit.
Ironically, what women who do this fail to understand, is that the more you let him tell you what to do, the less he respects you.
It’s lose-lose. As soon as you let your life be governed by the insecurity of a man-baby, you’re fucked until you ditch him.
>Even stopped going to the gym I liked so I can go to an all woman’s gym as he felt more comfortable with that.
And how is that working out for you?
Did acquiescing to his bullshit demands as though they were remotely valid and reasonable lead to him becoming a reasonable person? No, it didn’t, because they weren’t and he isn’t.
It’s not about the double standards. It’s about the fact that his standards are bullshit.
Please, reevaluate the relationship.
When will you get some self respect and end this ?
You realize you are dating an Islamic man right? He may be progressive in many ways but he is Islamic and Islam ways aren’t always very female friendly. You need to decide if this is something you can deal with. You can’t expect him to not be who he is and he is showing you who he is. Believe it. It is no different than dating a very religious woman and expecting her to discard her beliefs and ways. It’s not going to happen.
Boy bye. Never ever compromise for an insecure and controlling man.
The whole thing is that you can never please an abuser. They keep you in this perpetual state of trying so that you feel that you’re not good enough. He sounds very controlling.
We get only what we are willing to accept. Same with double standards. If what he demands isn’t what he himself is willing to do then he wasted his breath even speaking it. And yes I would go to a club somewhere and tell him I went to a club, even if it’s alone, to make my point if he continues. Either that or just leave him and move on with an actual adult.
He’s right, you should break up.
Girl please dump him.
Read this: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This isn’t compromising.
At this point he has made it abundantly clear that he wants a relationship where he is free to do as he pleases, whilst his girlfriend has to abide by his rules. He doesn’t want to be fair, he doesn’t want to compromise.
And honestly that’s his right to want that. Sure it makes him a massive AH (and I cannot imagine many women ever wanting to agree to it) but if that’s what he wants and he is being clear about that it’s fair enough. The ball is now in your court.
So your choices are
1/ do you want to be in that kind of relationship with him? or
2/ do you want to be in a fair and respectful relationship with someone else?
Because they are your only two options.
He doesn’t want to do it for you because he enjoys the double standard. He wants to control you and have you as a prize (look I have a desirable girlfriend!) but he doesn’t like you or want to spend time with you.
If he’s very religious, those gendered double standards are built into several religions, his included. He seems to think that being a good gf means being a good doormat who sits at home waiting for him and does whatever he wants. And a good bf is for him to do whatever he wants and pretend he doesn’t have a gf when it’s inconvenient for him.
Run awaaaaay run faar faaaar awaaaay
Is it a humiliation kink?
That’s what it is, isn’t it.
He doesn’t want to compromise. He has you nice and controlled and has no interest in minimizing his activities.
Why be with him? What’s he bringing to the table? I wouldn’t touch a “club dude” with a 10 foot pole. You are the company you keep.
Put him out. Unless you like being told what to do and living with a double standard.
You need to break up and date somebody where you both allow each other to just live. Also I don’t think he even likes you as a person if he doesn’t want to hang out with you and prefers his friends.
No offense but why are you dating him.
Why are you tolerating this? You’re posting IN ALL CAPS like you’re mad but you are the one accepting this bullshit. You stopped sharing your location? Ooooooh, girl, look at you with your bad self! That’ll show him how serious you are!
Stop dating controlling losers. You don’t fix these men. You don’t set “boundaries” with them. You stop. fucking. dating. them.
Leave little sister. This dude is trash
Having double standards is a control tactic. What’s good for him is good for you. If he can go out then so can you, and if he doesn’t like it, too damn bad. Break up with the control freak.
Move faster.
Open tinder and replace him and keep replacing till you find someone with your mindset
I am once again begging women to have some self-respect and to not waste their one precious life on men who hate them.
As soon as I read that you started going to an all woman’s gym so he’d be more comfortable, I stopped reading. Why would you ever consider being in a relationship with him?