So for important context, I was in a relationship for 8 years where my ex routinely had friendships that consistently crossed over into territory I wasn’t comfortable with and eventually culminated in outright cheating towards the end. As a result of that, I do have trust issues and am definitely not the “cool girlfriend.”
However, when I first started seeing my now bf a few months ago, I expressed this to him. I let him know that I have views on opposite-sex friendships that some may interpret as being extreme, but that are mine and that I am not going to change. Namely, that in a relationship I am not comfortable with my partner hanging out alone with an opposite-sex friend, that they should be transparent about the friendships, and that it’s important to me that I’m on friendly terms with their friends, especially friends of the opposite sex. I also said that I felt that they would both need to be considerate of the optics and be aware of my feelings.
I let him know of this within the first few weeks not as an ultimatum, but to let him make his own informed decision as to whether those were things he would be comfortable with in a relationship. I told him that, reasonable or not, those were my boundaries and that if he didn’t like them then that we should leave things where they were because we would not be compatible.
He assured me that he had the same views and that he was a huge homebody introvert (as am I) and that he was perfectly fine with all of those things. The relationship has largely been peachy and uneventful, we’ve had a couple spats related to communication styles, but we’re very happy together.
However, a few days ago it came back up in conversation in regards to an acquaintance of mine and an issue with a friend of her boyfriend, where I again reiterated that I think you have to be cognizant of what things can look like with friends of the opposite sex when you’re dating other people. He looked at me, horrified, and asked me to clarify. I said that the situation was why I believe that for ease of complexity, that it’s probably best for opposite sex friends who didn’t grow up together to minimize time spent together that looked like dates- dinner, spending the day at eachother’s place, etc.
He told me that he felt like that was an unreasonable expectation and that I clearly didn’t trust him, and that I was taking baggage from being cheated on and applying it to this relationship. I didn’t deny this, I said he was probably correct that my views were a result of my past, but that I had discussed this with him in the very beginning and he said it wasn’t an issue for him. He got very quiet and told me that it was something he felt would become an issue in the future if that was how I felt.
I love him at this point, but I feel frustrated and as if the rug has been pulled out from under me. While there haven’t been any situations yet that have arisen, he clearly isn’t as cool with my view as he led me to believe when we first got together. Is this something people even break up over?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Can you elaborate more regarding the acquaintance and the friend of the boyfriend ? Would help to see what was the issue, the trigger and the reasons of the argument.
I understand you’ve been hurt and I’m sorry for that. But you really need therapy to work on some of your issues.
I was pleasantly surprised that you aren’t completely disallowing female friends, it must’ve taken you a lot to get to that point, but honestly it sounds like you’re spending a lot of time thinking about how other people might see certain friendships.
I think you need to break up, be single for a while, and go to therapy. You’re doing yourself and anyone you choose to date a disservice by having such extreme views. You started dating your ex when you were a child, you’re an adult now.
This feels like bait. But if it somehow isn’t, congratulations: in trying to ensure you’ll never have a partner who sneaks around your back again, you’ve created a situation where honesty is impossible because the truth ultimately matters less to you than what the “optics” tell you is going on. You don’t need a relationship; you need therapy.
> I let him know that I have views on opposite-sex friendships that some may interpret as being extreme, but that are mine and that I am not going to change.
From a mental health standpoint, declaring that your personal anxieties and traumas are part of your identity and that you never ever ever want to change is the absolute worst possible thing you can do.
Imagine if someone posted this about their substance abuse problem, or their anger management issues, and said “my personal hangups are everyone else’s problems and I’m keeping them that way”.
Do you really want to go through your entire adult life defined by the actions of your shitty high school boyfriend? Just handing him the win?
I think somewhere along the way you were given the impression that any boundary is okay if you communicate them. You and Jonah Hill are in the same club there.
The simple truth is some of your boundaries are toxic and not okay. “Can’t hang out with opposite sex friends alone” is not an okay viewpoint to have. Period.
It’s also illogical. Do you really want a boyfriend who is so immature they can’t be alone with other women? No. So why do you think men who ARE mature enough to be alone with other women would ever put up with that “boundary” of yours? The answer is they won’t. If you told me to get rid of my many healthy friendships with women because of your unresolved insecurities, you are getting dropped faster than than a hot plate.
I think it’s time to get some therapy. Maybe even show this post to a therapist.
If my partner didn’t trust me around my male friends to be alone with them, we’d have broken up a long time ago as I have many and have never given him any reason to not trust me. While you are not be responsible for your trauma, but you’re the only one who can help yourself to grow from it. I would really recommend talking to a therapist to try to unpack all of this.
There are, in fact, plenty of people in the world who are completely capable of having platonic opposite-sex relationships. You might find a partner who has the same views as you do, but if the trauma is deep seated enough, will that be enough? By just not addressing the internal issues, you might end up sabotaging things regardless of whether there’s ever a reason to be suspicious.
He may not break up with you, but it’s still worth the self examination to try to unpack your anxieties around this.
You are honestly both at fault here I think. You did tell him how you felt originally and he accepted that. The problem is he shouldn’t have so that’s on him. He shouldn’t have because you are taking your issue and imposing it on someone else instead of simply dealing with it yourself. I honestly think you are going to have a very hard time finding someone to simply accept that. A better approach is for you to deal with your insecurities, with therapy if necessary.
I don’t think you are in a place where you can be a healthy partner in a relationship. You need to deal with your insecurities first.