Sorry… it’s a long one.
Found out a week ago that the cancer that my dad (M60) has is not, as we thought, a very treatable lymphoma, but is stage 4 lung cancer and he’s got 18 months to 2 years to live.
I (F33) am, understandably, distraught. I have spent the last week in a depressed haze, breaking down crying, feeling so low and to be honest, likely been quite difficult to deal with.
My bf (M31) and I have been together 2 and a half months. We clicked super fast, said we loved each other a few weeks ago, and he has been talking about the changes he’d have to make when I moved into his house with him (conversations he initiated, not me). Up until this morning, he has been nothing but loving, caring, and supportive. I made sure to ask him to let me know if he needed some space, as supporting someone through such a terrible time is difficult, and he assured me he’d say something but that he loved me and was here for me.
Granted, I was being a bit of a dick (I’m not perfect, and I feel like of all the weeks to be difficult this one is ok?!), but my boyfriend called me this morning after some short text exchanges and just told me he can’t do this anymore. He can’t be in this relationship, as his mental health is suffering, he’s becoming unwell and he’s “been in relationships like this before, where he takes all the emotional load”. He said he’s been concerned for a while, it’s too soon in the relationship to deal with, and he’s out.
For me, this has come completely out of nowhere. He didn’t indicate he was struggling, he assured me literally 2 days ago that he was here for me and wasn’t going anywhere. If he had mentioned it, I could have tried to support him, talked it through, like adults.
I went to pick up some stuff I’d left at his, and he just seemed completely cold. Totally unemotional, not even a 180 from who I thought I was dating, it feels like a completely different person.
If it makes any difference (I know it shouldn’t) but he’s AuDHD.
I just don’t know how to reconcile this in my head with person I thought he was? Surely something else must be going on??
Tl;dr my bf broke up with me a week after I found out my dads got 2 years left to live, because he can’t support me through it.
Edit: my “dick”-ish behaviour was me responding to texts with one or two words, being miserable in person and generally not being my upbeat and happy self. I wasn’t making it easy for him to be around me, but I certainly don’t think I did anything wrong!
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
It may be he broke up with you for the reason he stated or he has some other motivation. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. He’s broken up with you, searching to see if you can discover some hidden motive won’t make you feel better. You have to try and move on, and that’s about it.
I have no idea what could be going through his head. But you could take as many guesses as you want, and it wouldnt help.
He showed you he can turn his back on you at the drop of a hat in one of the worst moments of your life. Do you want him around?
I’m so sorry you are going through this. People do weird things when faced with stress.
I’m currently waiting on a confirmed cancer diagnosis for my Dad, my person and I have had relationship struggles recently before finding out my dad wasn’t well. I sat him down and asked him if he thought he could be a supportive partner through this because if not I can’t handle the stress of both. He assured me he would and would try to be better. Anyway a week later I found out he was sending pictures of his dick to another girl (we’re in our mid 30s.. so over this teenage behaviour lol)
People will be who they will be. Take care of yourself and your family. Let him be. Thoughts are with you!
Everyone has a limit, and since you haven’t specified how you were a “dick” to him, it’s difficult to judge. You haven’t been together for long and it’s difficult even for established couples to navigate these life events. The fact that he’s autistic also might mean he was doing his best to mask it but couldn’t anymore.
You need to focus on your family and taking care of your mental health. You won’t have much time of mental space to build a very new relationship and it might mean weak foundations that will set you up for disaster.
The reason doesn’t matter at this point, and it’s only been a couple of months. You guys hardly know each other.
This gives you more time to spend with your father. Sorry that you are going through this, but get as much quality time as you can.
First…prayers to your dad and family. That’s going to be a tough road ahead, and I hope you can find strength to get through it.
As for your boyfriend… I’ll be a little more blunt with you. Y’all were together for 2 months and moved way too fast.
From the context I can see, I don’t think his actions were malicious. I think he just got overwhelmed.
He tried to be supportive, and probably was trying to reconcile things on his side on his own to avoid becoming a distraction to you….you obviously having enough on your mind. He apparently failed to do so and it became too much for him.
Combine that with going from getting together to discussing moving in to the ILYs in just 2 months!? Yeah that’s a lot for anyone.
It just means that he doesn’t want to have to handle this kind of thing. As harsh as this might sound….he’s not required to. That doesn’t make him a bad person. Nor does it mean you did anything wrong.
This whole situation simply seems like a case of really horrible timing. Maybe after some time, you can reconnect.
To be honest, it might actually be for the best. You need to focus on your dad and enjoy what time you have left with him.
He is selfish and not a good partner. I’m sorry you’re going through this and so sorry about your dad ❤️🩹
When I started reading ‘2 and a half’ I was was fully expecting it to say years and already psyching myself up to cast my judgement of what an asshole he is for abandoning you in your moment of need..
And then ‘months’.. oh. So ten weeks you have known this person. I can tell you that there is far more that you don’t know about him than you do know.
Important context missing about what you’ve done to ‘be a dick’ but I will say that depending on what it is, there is never an ‘ok time’ to not treat people well.
He has been quite clear with you, and you should respect what he’s said and let him be. What you’re going through is devastating and believe me I’ve been there so I know. And while the timing of the breakup is shitty and a shock, given the very small timeframe it shouldn’t take that long to get over. Don’t put him on a pedestal or blame yourself, you’ll be ok.
First, I’m terribly sorry to hear about your father. Second, I think you need counseling because it will help you as you cope with the loss of your father and help you understand why you were willing to jump into a relationship with someone you’ve hardly know. I wish you the best.
>I just don’t know how to reconcile this in my head with person I thought he was? Surely something else must be going on??
You don’t actually know the person he was. You haven’t even known him for 3 months yet. You barely know him.
This isn’t to say that he’s not a great guy, but he is someone who knows his limits. You found out just a couple of months in, not a couple of years in.
There are actually studies on men bolting when things get hard, though I think they are centered around the woman getting a bad diagnosis. Easy to Google, I don’t remember the numbers but more men leave and more women stay when things get tough. That might make you feel a bit better. I’m sorry about your dad. I lost my oldest brother and best friend to cancer with 30 days notice when we were in our twenties. Cancer sucks.
You’ve sunk less than three months of effort and investment into this relationship when he decided to make it clear that he’s one of those who won’t stay in the sickness part of a relationship, when times are tough. It sucks really hard right now, and it’s horrible you’re having to go through this. Especially when you need support now more than ever. But if he can’t handle being here for you when your father is sick, he’d probably bail if you ever get sick.
Nothing else is going on honey, you just didn’t know this guy AT ALL and I’m hoping you’ll learn from this.
“We clicked super fast, said we loved each other a few weeks ago, and he has been talking about the changes he’d have to make when I moved into his house with him (conversations he initiated, not me).”
It was 2 months. 8 weeks. Just, no. You can’t even know each other enough to know if you really love each other at that point. Sure, the feelings may have felt strong, but they were based on your FIRST IMPRESSIONS of him, which last up to 6 months. You can’t really know how you feel until you get to see someone and how they act when things are NOT perfect. When issues come up. When disagreements happen. WHen one of you goes through a tough spot. You thought you loved him, but in reality you loved the picture he was currently showing you. He may have said he loved you. He may have believed it. But what he loved was not YOU, the complete human. It was you only as you presented yourself so far – probably usually happy to see him, fun to be around, easygoing.
What happened is that something REAL happened in your life, he had to see you as a human being with feelings, and decided that actually that’s too much for him to want to deal with. Or whatever. He’s allowed to change his mind, he barely knew you, it’s not like you were serious with each other after 8 WEEKS. You didn’t even know him, so you have nothing to be sad about. You were tricked into thinking you had something real but honey, you can’t have something real in 8 weeks. He was love-bombing you, and it would have probably ended badly anyway. You’re lucky, honestly. Because you could have wasted a whole year with this idiot before finding out that he’s only a fair-weather friend who didn’t want to have to stick around and support you if you weren’t going to always be happy and cheerful for him.
Life did you a favor here. He wasn’t a quality person, he was barely a blip in your timeline. Literally forget he existed.
Two and a half months is a super short time to be ready for such a ‘heavy’ commitment. You told him, he processed it and decided he couldn’t, and so now he is your ex. I don’t think either of you are at fault; it just sucks that you are heading into a two year rollercoaster and your new BF is just not able to take that on. I’d give him kudos for being honest.
So sorry for your dad; I hope you have many wonderful times in the months he has left.
Honestly just kinda happy for you that the trash took itself out. If this is how he reacts to his partner dealing with something incredibly difficult then I’m glad he removed himself from your life. You are allowed to be a bit of a mess right now and the fact that he just turned tail and ran speaks volumes. Men often leave their wives when they wives get sick and he sounds like exactly the type of guy to do that. Glad he left before you ended up married to someone this unsupportive. Maybe grab some girlfriends and have a supportive weekend away with them? Might make you feel better with everything going on.
Better now after two and a half months, than if it was you who was sick and needing support.
This is not a person who is there in bad times
You didn’t do anything. He’s the one with the problem.
Oh well, I’d rather find out early on that we’re not compatible, than spend a bunch of time discovering it
Mentally wish him well. Block and delete his number. Move on.
For me, this has come completely out of nowhere. He didn’t indicate he was struggling, he assured me literally 2 days ago that he was here for me and wasn’t going anywhere. If he had mentioned it, I could have tried to support him, talked it through, like adults.
Did you read your own post, it seems you don’t want to take accountability, are you infallible? It seems you don’t see the writing on the wall. Lets break it down. If you have such an insane reaction to something like this, towards other people, IMAGINE how bad you would take it if he expressed he was struggling with something about you, how would you react, put yourself in his shoes. You have shown you have to be emotionally hand held and supported, you don’t take logic you take emotions.
2 and a half months? Girl, forget that guy, imagine how fast he would have left you if YOU got sick with something serious. You dodged a bullet. He showed you his true colors early on, be thankful. And I’m so sorry about your dad!💞
You didn’t do anything wrong and he told you that. He couldn’t handle the situation.