Tonight we were partying, and admittedly my bf (35M) had too much vodka and ended up finally admitting that I (28F) am at the “limit of what he would accept.”
My bf R has had a very active past with alot of really pretty and skinny GFs/flings. Admitedly, he’s a rehabilitated fuck boy, he’s been around, seen it ALL, and has finally found a non-toxic relationship he’s happy with, with me. Within a week of us dating, I asked him if he was happy with me physically, since I had known him as a friend for a year prior to us becoming romantic, and had seen the women he normally considered attractive. I said that I assumed I was on the thicker side (I’’m 5’2 and 168 lbs) of what he would ever have gone for. He mentioned that I’m not the type of girl he would ever go for while on a night out, but he was happy with me.
I’ve always never believed that because I have seen the girls he found attractive before while hanging out as friends, as well as have seen his other ex-GFs. I used to be very small, and due to anxiety, work, and life, I went from 113 lbs to the 168 I am today. Which I am personally unhappy with, but am taking all of the steps to rectify (working out 5 days a week, eating in a deficit, drinking 96+ oz water/day, etc). He has never known me that small, only at my current size. He’s only ever seen pictures of me that size.
Now, we have a great relationship. We communicate problems, have a healthy sex life, and generally are happy. But I still feel like I’m not what he wants, simply what he has, because it’s easy, I feed his ego (he is VERY fit and attractive), and generally pleasure him how he wants, when he wants. But despite his previous comments and comments that he’s happy, tonight when I asked him, he admitted he’s scared of a future where we have a child and I gain weight. He admitted that he doesn’t want me to gain it and decide that’s who I am now, and never do anything to try to get more slim. I was sad, and asked him if I’m at the limit of “thickness” (see here: fat) that he would go for/tolerate. He “thought about it hard” and then said yes.
I know I’m not what I used to be, and I hate myself everyday for it. How do I become what I was and what he wants to keep him happy and around? Do I starve and all or what have y’all done in the past? My current method isn’t working hard or fast enough to feel secure. I just want to keep this man. He’s so hot and attractive and one of the best people I know. Thank you for reading.
TLDR: my bf admitted I’m on the biggest spectrum of female he would ever go for and I used to be the skinny girl he would be attracted to before he ever met me, but idk how to get back there to keep his love and attention.
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You’re skinny and I’ve had more sex with more attractive women than him. You don’t need to keep this man.
You have to break up. I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to and you don’t want to hear this but read what you just wrote.
You’re not who you used to be and you hate yourself for it? I’m sorry what? You hate yourself for… gaining weight? What exactly about gaining weight makes you unworthy of love? Unless you gained that weight by clubbing baby seals and eating them, your weight is merely a preference. It is not a moral failing.
Now I’m not saying this is necessarily your boyfriend’s fault. It sounds like maybe you came into the relationship with some hangups around your weight. But it is certain from reading your post that this relationship is exacerbating the way you feel about yourself, and that’s why you need to break up.
The most important person in your life is you. You will be with yourself through thick and thin for the rest of your life. If you do not love yourself, there is no one on earth who can fill that void for you. You have to do the hard work of accepting yourself on your own.
Break up. Stay single for awhile, and work on yourself. Find a way to accept that the person in the mirror is a human being who is worthy of love. Only when that idea doesn’t sound vaguely ridiculous will you be ready to date someone else.
Imo, y’all too old for this to be an issue, that being said, y’all should probably have a SOBER conversation. An honest one, if he actually gives a shit about u, he’ll consider ur feelings while still being truthful. You should also make sure ur not letting his looks or personality or whatever get in the way of respect for yourself.
If he’s one of the best people you know, then he’ll love you and accept you for who you are and you’ll be enough without having to change. Sounds like you just aren’t happy and now that he’s said this to you, you’re triggered. We’re all entitled to our preferred type. He’s with you. That’s all that matters as long as he’s treating you right. You’re already on a diet and eating in a deficit, so no need to try to rush. Weight that you rush off will come back and then more usually. I’ve lost over 50 by taking it slowly (and I have legitimate thyroid issue and a trickle of a metabolism) it’s all about what type of foods you eat. If you eat alot of carbs and have alot of sugar even in a calorie deficit you’ll hardly lose. Keep your carbs to a healthy minimum and your proteins as your main source of food. Then add healthy fats, lastly carbs. Drop alcohol and soda. Sugar should come from fruits but eat the ones on the low end of sugary fruits. Up your cardio, add in some light weight training. Don’t rush it, it’ll backfire and your metabolism will go wack and so could your hormones and then you’ll really be in a mess physically and mentally. Do this for yourself. Never love anyone more than you love yourself unless it’s your own children. Don’t attach your self worth to anyone.
Life is too short to be with someone who’s just kinda accepting being with you.
I think youre overcompensating because he’s an ideal to you ie. He’s very fit, you stroke his ego, you pleasure him how he wants when he wants and now youre stuck in a loop of trying to lose weight but anxious about it because of how he feels and now what he’s finally admitted. The issue isn’t really the weight but your self esteem and the prioritization you are giving him in your life by downplaying all the best parts of yourself to fit into this mold. Do it for yourself (weight loss). Personally I dont think he really likes you. I think he likes the easy relationship you provide.
Listen it think you’ve got a little part of that right. That you build his ego and he likes it. However you are building his ego because you’re putting yourself down and in a way that you are undeserving of him because he is so much better than you. That’s false. Why do you feel so little about yourself? Newsflash for him you both will gain our lose weight throughout your lives, you both will get wrinkles and sag and go grey. Looks is what firsts attract a person usually, but when you find the person for you they will love every wrinkles, scar, pound on you. I think you think you are undeserving of him because he’s fit. That’s only surface level. What about his core values, how he treats you, treats others, lives his life. Physically you are doing what you can but now you need to focus on your internal self.
Edit and break up.
So all he and you have to offer each other is what you look like? That seems like a very shallow and lonely relationship.
You can love someone and still not be compatible. You do not need to change to fit his wants. He can have wants/need/preferences and so can you. You need a partner who loves you because of what you share together and that they will
Support you emotionally in all your phases of life, that’s a need he does not meet for you.
It’s hard to put your needs first. It’s hard to say everything is great but—. But in the big picture life gets hard weight changes, work/life demands change, having a partner that lightens your load instead of adding to it is the goal. Good luck , love yourself. You have t even met all the people that will love you in this world 🥰
Saying this as someone who went through medical school – DO NOT starve yourself, you will lose weight quickly, but it will be mostly water weight, it will slow your metabolism down significantly and damage your body long term. The weight you lose will not only come back quickly but it will come back double because you will have damaged your bodies metabolism. Do not damage your body for this man… he is worried you’ll gain weight when you bear a child? That’s not only incredibly unrealistic but super shallow. I personally wouldn’t consider him “the best man I know”.
If you feel your current calorie deficit is not doing much maybe you’re going too low? The body can get in “shock” and store fat and hold onto it longer. Easing into a deficit is better and alternating between a higher and lower deficit within a monthly cycle.
There’s an old song titled “I don’t want her – you can have her – she’s too fat for me”
Some guys don’t like hefty women – some prefer them hefty –
I have a cousin u doesn’t like hefty girls – also have a female friend who was drop dead gorgeous years ago – (we were all good friends) so she invited my cousin over recently (she’s put on about 50lbs) and they had dinner after which she showers and comes out in her robe with nothing on under – they watch TV for a while and have some wine – she asks “is there anything you’d like? You can have whatever you want”
Well long story short – he said I’m tired I’m going home –
I disagree with most of the answers here..your bf is allowed to have standards and if he is not attracted to your current weight (or thats the limit for him to still feel physically attracted) its 100% okay to let you know that. How else is he supposed to share his view?
I love how its always “men dont communicate enough” bla bla but the moment we bring up something negative hell breaks lose. Not from you personally but pretty much every comment section there is where “man tells woman XY bad” = how dare he etc.
Got a feeling when asking for more communication it just means give me more attention + compliments + tell me all your darkest secrets and be 100% vulnerable by letting me know each and every single feeling you carry at all times so that I can use it against you in case I ever have to.. (sry for the rant 🙂 )
Now back to your problem. Its very simple..isnt it? You sound like not being happy with the weight situation yourself and wanna lose weight so there are two..well nowadays 3 ways to do it.
Eat less (my favourite) and/or burn more calories than you add (much harder to do IMO) or thanks to science you can simply take Ozempic.
“He mentioned that I’m not the type of girl he would ever go for while on a night out, but he was happy with me.”
Translation: You’re not what I’m physically attracted to, but since this is the first stable relationship I’ve managed to land, I’ll tolerate it.
Further translation: I settled.
I guess I’m not sure what you expect him to say when you ask him like this.
I also think your title mis-represents his position: he didn’t say you were too fat for him. Upper end of the spectrum is in his range, not too fat.
Is it surprising that he has a preference for women to not be overweight? Probably 90% of men feel the same if forced to admit it. It seems like you would also rather be skinny so you share the same preference.
Is he not allowed to have a preference for this? Should he lie to you? And as has been pointed out ad nauseam on here, women have their own preferences for height, etc.
When you’re considering starving yourself it’s time to get professional help.
Have you tried Ozempic or the other weight loss injections? It worked great for my wife.
This relationship is bad/toxic for you. And there is a HUGE power imbalance.
“what he wants to keep him happy and around?” Okay, but what does he do to make you happy. What makes you happy? It doesn’t seem you are happy with him.
You do realize that you have given him a perfect tool to control you. Everytime you step over line – stop catering to his very need – all he has to do is criticize your appearance.
Is this how you imagine your life?
“he’s been around, seen it ALL, and has finally found a non-toxic relationship he’s happy with, with me.” This may be non-toxic for him, but it is hella toxic for you. And if he is happy with you, why do you hate yourself and back over backwards for him? And if he is happy with you BECAUSE you backover backwards for, girl, just leave, You will never feel like enough in this relationship because it is not sustainable to constatly put 110% into a relationship.
Don’t starve yourself. Firstly because it’ll never be fast enough to make you feel better. Secondly, it isn’t sustainable. Everyone says that, but as someone who’s done it, you won’t be able to maintain that and your sanity. You’ve got to fix you relationship with yourself before you try to make huge body choices. Once you get to the weight you want, you’ll find that you’re not happier with your body. As a matter of fact, you find issues with your body you never noticed before. The kinds of things that will plague you. You want to be thin so he’ll love you, but when you get there you’ll find a new list of reasons why your body isn’t good enough for him.
Ultimately this is a task you’ll never accomplish. It isn’t because of your body, or even his “standards”. It’s about your perception of self value using someone else’s grading system. Your BF isn’t a reformed anything. He’s still an immature fuck boy. I wouldn’t judge myself by the standards of a man who’s whole identity has always been the number of women he’s been with.
If a man is making you feel this way because he’s being “honest” about his “preferences”, you need to leave. Once he sees he can manipulate you into starving to please him, he’ll use it as a tool. It’ll never end well.
Just get out
You have issues with self worth. Not your boyfriend’s fault. Most of the insecurities are in your head because YOU put them there. Yes, he admitted you are on the thick side for him (BMI 30.7 is obese by definition), but your view of yourself started long before he said anything.
Now with weight loss:
Your deficit should not exceed the point where you are losing more than 1% of your weight in a week. You didn’t get obese overnight, you won’t get healthy overnight.
Lift HEAVY weights to build muscle mass, or at least to preserve it while you loose weight, otherwise you’ll ruin your body composition.
Also seek therapy for your insecurities. This isn’t a boyfriend problem. He’s still with you even though he obviously has other options.
I have no idea why men date women they aren’t attracted to just to bully them. You’re overweight but he knew that when he decided to start dating you so I’m confused why he’s even with you when he doesn’t like big girls. I would save yourself and get out before he starts making meaner and meaner comments to you regardless of if you’re going to lose weight or not.
I think his poor fucking attitude would be ‘the limit of what I could accept”.
Leave him girl, work on yourself and find someone who loves you for exactly who you are as they find you.
You demanded these answers, and you already knew what he’d say. You know you’re 20-30 lbs overweight (at least by fallible BMI charts: reality varies) and that he’s very fit and cares about his own weight. But he’s 35: most of us have ‘skinnier’ partners in our teens and 20s (since most people are skinnier then), and many of us end up falling in love and marrying someone quite different. That’s life: you don’t have to compete with his younger flings, or your own younger self.
He’s happy with you, and he didn’t try to bring this up himself, or shame you, so the “toxic” comments don’t really fit for me. Sure, he should know better than to ever answer a weight question from his partner honestly, but you waited until he was drunk to ask him this time. So you can either enjoy your great relationship and keep working on your weight for your own sake, or continue self-sabotaging and let your insecurities break you up. It’s really your choice here.
“rehabilitated” lmao
You deserve better. My mom was cheated on by my dad because she was overweight after pregnancy. Absolute trash human being. I’m very close to your height and weight and my boyfriend insists I’m not fat (lol) and even gets a little frustrated when I call myself fat, he appreciates and loves me for me he says.
I’m comparing and contrasting these two men in my life because one is worthy of me and one is trash. Your bf is allowed to have preferences but what he’s saying to you isn’t kind or productive. It’s only bringing you down.
An easy way to lose a ton of weight: dump him, a 35 year old who says things like this is no man
I went through a relationship like this. I gained weight because I was happy. I was so skinny because I had an eating disorder and you could see my ribs. I was miserable and hated myself – didn’t think I was worth feeding.
Then I was happy. He made me laugh and smile. It was a safe space. So I ate again. And after I gained weight he hated it- told me that I used to be so skinny. Told me he’d help me diet 🙄 took me longer than it should have to break up with him. At one point I asked when we have kids and I gain weight then what? He didn’t have an answer
OP, I promise you there’s someone out there that will truly love you for who you are. Who will cherish your body no matter the size (especially if you carry their child and gain a ton of weight).
Love yourself enough to walk away.
Genuinely life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel unwanted and unattractive. I met my partner at my heaviest (5’3 185lbs) and have since lost 30+ and am standing at 145. He loves me now, and loved me then. Honestly he talks about how pretty I am but mentions that he really wouldn’t mind me gaining some of that weight back. Find someone who loves you without conditions, you should feel happy in your skin- and if you wanna lose weight do it for you.
This is NOT the man for you OP. He’s not the one.
Calorie deficit and build a healthy relationship with food. Keep track of your weight everyday and understand normal fluctuations will vary, but overall you want to see it trending down. If you are consistently in a deficit you will lose weight. Don’t starve yourself.
That being said, it’s fair that he wants a girl at a healthy weight and your future self would thank your current self for putting in the work.
Heart attacks, stroke, diabetes are not worth it in the long run.
What really stuck with me was not even him saying that youre not his typical type… it’s that he said he’d be scared to have children with you. He is telling you very clearly the value that he puts on weight/physical appearance. And how horrible would it be, to grow a child, sacrifice your body & your sanity & your comfort to build a family with a person that amounts it to “she gained weight”
Your body is destined to change. To grow, to slim, to get stretch marks, to age, eventually deteriorate. Your looks will fade. Your perfect body will be a thing of the past one day. If you choose a life with somebody that cannot accept the changes that you will go through, you will get left behind. Whether that be when you bear a child, if you become disabled, if you become “unattractive” as you age. Do yourself a favor and find someone that will love you through all stages of you.
And just to add here… 5’2 168lbs…. I don’t care what a BMI calculator says. You’re not fat. I wouldn’t even consider you overweight. I would say you’re probably midsize which is NORMAL. Learn to love it. Get healthy to be healthy, not to change yourself. The rest will come. But from the sounds of it you’ve just got a wounded heart, and probably hold more beauty than you allow yourself to see. I’m sorry that he aided in blocking that from you. But the beauty still exists.
Tbh, it sounds like you have always been insecure in this relationship and you’re just looking for confirmation that you’re not good enough. I doubt you’ll ever feel secure with this dude you’ve put on a pedestal and constantly fawn over who admits he thinks you’re too fat and worried you’ll get fatter.
I only read the title but I think you could lose 180 ish pounds very quickly by dropping your bf.
You’re putting him on a pedestal and tearing yourself down at the same time for this man. That’s not healthy. You are convincing yourself you aren’t worthy of him, and thus, overcompensating for that when you don’t need to be. You shouldn’t be feeding his ego or pleasing him however or whenever he wants. That doesn’t sound like an organic relationship at all, but rather one that seems forced.
And for what? Cause he’s “so hot and attractive”? Because if he’s making you feel this way, and not lifting you up as a good partner should, then he sure doesn’t have a shining personality to match those looks. Plus, he showed concern over the weight that would be gained during pregnancy… like what??
He isn’t worth the trouble, and if I’m being honest, you need to spend some time alone, not dating, and learning to love yourself before committing to a relationship. A healthier one at that.
This is NOT a “non-toxic” relationship, far from it. He sounds utterly shallow and driven only by looks — his and your own — and you sound utterly insecure and always on the back foot waiting for him to upgrade.
How do you think this works? People change as they get older. They get sick or they get pregnant, they age. Are you going to remain in a state of panicked starvation your whole life in case you wander over that “limit” he’s set?
This relationship is a disaster waiting to happen. Your communication isn’t good either, because good communication isn’t being brutally honest with each other, it’s about being kind and supportive and loving someone for who they are not what they look like.
I feel genuine pity for you OP because this relationship sounds utterly miserable to me, and I’ve a strong feeling that it is going to destroy your confidence and self-esteem completely.