I’m almost 38 and have been with my boyfriend (40M) for over 4 years. I love him and he says he loves me and wants to marry me “someday.”
The problem is that whenever I bring up timelines, he gets defensive. Recently I asked if I could expect a ring by the end of the year, and he said I’m “ruining it for myself” and that since I already know he wants to marry me, it shouldn’t matter when. To me it absolutely does matter – I’m not 25 anymore. I want to be pregnant with my first child before 40, and I want an engagement as a clear sign of commitment, even if the actual wedding comes later.
Instead of giving me reassurance, he throws examples like my cousin who got engaged and broke up before the wedding, as if that proves timelines don’t matter. Honestly, that just feels like deflection.
I’m scared of wasting years waiting for him to “be ready” and ending up childless because he dragged his feet. The truth is, if he doesn’t want to move forward soon, I’d rather know now so I can decide whether to have a child on my own.
I’d really appreciate advice on how to handle this. How do I communicate my needs without it turning into a fight? Has anyone been in a similar position, and how did you navigate it? And if you’ve left a relationship over timelines, how did you know it was the right decision? How do I approach this without feeling like I’m begging for the bare minimum?
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imo begging for a wedding will just drag it out
let him have his time
also why the hurry, yes you might have your timeline but have you talked to your bf about that?
also having a child on your own bc hes not ready would either lead to break up bc he doesnt want one yet and him feeling like you cheated or if you’re lucky hell accept it
but that would be a miracle bc if my gf just went out and got pregnant suddenly it would be a very very weird situation
also bringing it up again and again nust ruins the proposal for all involved
You say you’re not 25 anymore but you’re letting him treat you like a 25 year old.
“You’re ruining it for yourself”? Who tf is he talking to?
You want to be engaged, then slap this fool with an ultimatum. Ultimatums get a bad name, when really all they are is a way of expressing in no uncertain terms what your requirements are in a time-bound fashion.
An ultimatum will also stop you begging and accepting being spoken to like a child.
Why are you begging ?? He doesn’t want to marry you hence the defensiveness. You sound desperate to marry someone who is deflecting and making excuses. You’d be getting a ‘shut up’ ring at best based on what you’ve told us.
‘Someday’ may never come and that’s what he is counting on: are you willing to sacrifice your dream of having kids for this man?
You should post on r/Waiting_to_Wed for more specific advice from people in your exact situation.
In my opinion, he just doesn’t want to marry you. Sorry. I’m sure you’re lovely.
I’d be afraid that if he does marry you, then he’ll do this whole waiting process again when it comes to having kids. Like they always say, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
He will never be ready because he doesn’t want to marry you. Dump him and find someone who’s all in with you, because he’s not it.
“If he wanted to he would”
I agree that you probably are ruining it for yourself. By throwing away the last of your fertile years on someone who doesn’t seem to feel the same way. He can put off having kids as long as he wants. You can’t.
You were already running out of time when you met him. Now you are at gunpoint, basically, it gets way harder to conceive and give birth defect-free after 40. Nevermind if HE has issues with sperm.
Timelines are something I discuss very early because I also don’t want to have a difficult pregnancy with my future wife and all that comes with it. I also equate marriage with kids. The longer you wait the next relationship you have, you WILL come off desperate – and that even a reasonable man will sniff out.
He simply doesn’t care to have kids – and thus no need to marry. Simple.
Stop waiting around and leave him. He’s not going to marry you and the more you ask/hint/beg the less he’s willing. He’s not the last man on earth, get a grip and start your life already – without him.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
And he’s being incredibly selfish. Screw what you want. He has a GF who is meeting his needs. And if it destroys her dreams then so what.
Run don’t walk.
I hate his comment about ruining it for yourself. An engagement shouldn’t be a total surprise and timeline chats are absolutely necessary.
I hate being on the team that says you need to leave but if he continues to turn what should be a very healthy conversation into issues and fights then you would be better off without him. He is acting like he’s in his 20s, but realistically male fertility also drops with age so if he was truly serious about marriage and a kid then he should be treating this conversation with a lot more respect
Read your whole post again, ‘HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU’ is written all over your post! Its been 4+ years and he is still not showing any intention to marry you! He has gotten comfortable with you as he is getting a wife without any commitment, so he simply wants to keep it that way! But if you are waiting on a proposal or a marriage or even kids, know that he doesnt want it!
And if you put any further pressure, you may get a ring just to shut you up for the timebeing!
I am sorry you have to go through this, but this relationship is not worth it! You’ll have completely different perspectives! He does not want responsibility, marriage or kids, you are already running out of time!
He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s going to come up with a million reasons why he won’t. Do yourself a favour: break up, take time to grieve the relationship, and then find someone with the same values as you. This man may buy you a shut-up ring, but you don’t want that. He isn’t the partner for you.
ETA: punctuation fix
For the love of God, he is 40, Does he want a child? Does he already have any?
He’s not only cruel he’s manipulative. He’s been crystal clear with his ACTIONS and his words too. You won’t have a future with this man. It’s time to move on and get your dignity back.
Just say straight up to him that you’re not waiting any longer and you’ve been doing research on fertility treatment. You’ve decided to go forward with a donor. If that doesn’t pull the rug from under him, then he doesn’t want you. Some people are just lazy and need that push and others simply keep dragging it out in hopes it’ll go away. He might not even want kids.
Just to add- plenty of women are using donors to become mums. That’s always an option. You would be well able girl. Best wishes.
I told my now husband that if he didn’t propose to my timeline that’s fine, he can’t stop me proposing to him. I had our 3rd anniversary in mind so it wasn’t vague and I would know if he didn’t do it lol. Your boyfriend sounds like a commitment phobe who would give you a shut up ring and stand you up at the altar if it got that far. Or worse, have kids with you and never love them
Once you’re 4 years into relationship, I think putting the “proposal” in the hands of the man is silly. It should be a conversation, not a surprise.
Don’t let him tell you how you feel about this. The “when” absolutely matters. If the lack of concrete plans for marriage makes you feel unsafe, then you’re not spoiling anything by asking him for clear commitment.
If he’s not ready at 40, 4 years into a relationship, to make an active plan for your future, or even discuss a proper timeline, then he won’t be ready in another two years.
Leave this guy and if you are able, go down the sperm donor route. But this takes a lot of time and resources which you may not have.
It’s that at your age you’ll be putting out desperate vibes for a relationship which will repel men.
I wish women would be very clear on setting timelines and communicating them to the men in their lives. Saying that you want to marry and have children within two years, otherwise you’re out of there.
And stay fast on this. Don’t hang onto to a wing and a prayer.
Or come to terms that you may never have children and have some energetic therapy to deal with this loss.
Don’t wait. You propose. And include any time critical decisions such as kids. If it comes out as an ultimatum, that is because it is.
If you wait for him, you don’t have control. Take control of your future and make a decision. Stop waiting. Make the life you want.
I want to be married and have a baby with you before I’m 40. If not I want to do it with someone else. Are we going to do that or no? It’s a yes or no question.
It’s a shame that he’s wasted 4 years of your life. A 36 year old man (which he would have been when you met) knows very quickly if he wants to marry you or not. Within months I’d say, a year max. At that age I’d expect a ring in 2 years or less.
It’s likely he likes having you around, and what you can offer him. But I think his reaction to the topic of marriage tells you he doesn’t want to marry you.
Don’t let him waste another day of your life. Move on, and find someone who is sure about you and wants to marry you
Girl. Does HE want the life you want? Doesn’t seem like it. Stand up! Stop begging and consider freezing your eggs, if viable.
Honestly, he’s not going to marry you. Either you meet someone and see a future to build and undertake with someone or you don’t.
You’re great for his present, but he isn’t looking to create any sort of shared future with you that you want.
A person who wants to marry their partner, does. A person who wants to have children, does.
And at 38, you’re already less likely to conceive. You need to start now. Have you had a fertility check up and scans to make sure you aren’t going to need assisted reproductive services? At your age, after 6 months, you would be advised to see a doctor. Only half of women your age would conceive after a year. Who told you to wait any longer? It happens because half do conceive at, but you don’t want to be caught out and your chances drop rapidly as you reach 40. In some countries they won’t even find IVF after 41/42 because there’s just no point.
You have a shaky partner who could, if his sperm count and quality were okay, move on and start the family he denied you. And I think he would because he’s just not that into you so marrying you now wouldn’t be the point for him if children weren’t part of the picture if that’s what he decided he also wanted.
Maybe you’re a lovely companion, and maybe that’s all he wants from his life, but you know you want something else, so what are you waiting for?
You sound as indecisive as him tbh. If, after the first two years, at your age and you weren’t making active plans, booking venues, getting fertility assessments, etc, you should have moved on and frozen some eggs so you could look for a partner more comfortably. You’re both old enough to have approached each other and developed a relationship with each other with the same goals in mind ie marriage and children. You made a daft choice in dating a person who has no goals for his family life with the hope that he will develop the goal at some point. Well, what’s done is done.
You still should do a fertility assessment if you haven’t done so already. Go get an assessment and then get as many eggs as you can banked as there is attrition at each stage towards making an embryo. Just try to secure that part of your future az best as you can at least. It’s expensive but you’re 38 with no plans for marriage or children on the horizon. What will you regret more?
Good luck and get moving.
I don’t put much stock in marriage so I don’t agree with the sentiment that marriage = commitment, but you appear to, so here’s the bottom line: he’s not interested in getting married or having kids with you. Both of you have limited time to have a safe pregnancy and you really want to have kids, so it’s time to prioritise what it is you want and make decisions to get you closer to that. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy.
I don’t want kids but even if I did, I wouldn’t have them with someone who can’t seem to make up their mind or be honest with me. Imagine what kind of parent he’d be.
Very easy solution: If there is no ring by the end of the year the two of you break up. Normally I’d say begin a conversation and tell him it’s fine if he doesn’t want to get married or marry you, but you want a timeline or this whole relationship doesn’t make sense to you anymore.
But you’ve apparently had that conversation already. He knows where you stand. Don’t pressure him into a shut up ring, that’s not a sign of commitment. You know where he stands. Don’t bring it up again and get ready to leave by the end of the year.
And then decide if you want to have a kid by yourself or not.
If he wanted to marry you, he would have done it by now. Your options would be to leave now and look for someone who wants the same things you do within the timeframe you’ve set for yourself. Or issue an ultimatum, as long as you’re okay with knowing that, if it works, he only married you because you forced it. Personally, I would rather spend my life with someone who is ecstatic to be with me but you do you.
Question:
Have you two had this kind of talk from the start of the relation?
Of so, you aren’t “ruining it for yourself”, he’s ruining it for both of you.
And it is easy to solve:
He’s using your relative as excuse for being “fearful” of breaking up after the engagement. Well, tell him you two might not even make it to the engagement then.
Do not say anything else.
Get ready to leave.
Leave.
He’s not indecisive.
He’s decisive in not wanting to marry you and not wanting to have child(ren) with you. He shows it with his action. You’re not engaged and you have no timeline on when you’ll be married and be starting a family.
He may be fine with marrying other women and having children with them, but not with you.
You’ve already communicated that you want to be married. So far, it sounds like it turned into a fight or he’s deflected.
If y’all are in your 20s, I can see why he’d be hesitating. But he’s 40, for goodness sake. It’s simple enough. He just doesn’t want to marry you. He says he does but it’s vague on purpose because he just doesn’t want to lose easy companionship and the perks that come with it.
If you want all that by 40, I’d cut him loose like yesterday
You need to leave him and start getting pregnant on your own
He will never be ready. Take it from someone who waited 7 years on a “someday”. I’m younger than you, but still well above the age to be ready for marriage. Please please dont burn your time away. Please walk away and find someone that will commit.
What are you capable of supporting a child by yourself? Is having a child the priority? Is this a fantastic relationship? Are you equal Partners with the same dreams? Have you considered moving on, fulfilling your dreams without him?
I would freeze my eggs yesterday tbh, if you haven’t already.
Men come and go, no matter how much we hope marriage solidifies a relationship. If I really wanted children I’d be making provisions if I was 38F.
You are already waisting years and you know that. You cannot coerce a man to marry you. He either doesn’t want to marry at all or doesn’t want to marry you. In either case you are waisting your preasous time.
Tell him you are done waiting and will be moving on.
That you love him but are not willing to wait for his “maybe” any longer. That he is the one ruining it for himself.
Dump him.
It’s time to really evaluate your priorities.Perhaps with some counseling. You know by now you can not make him do what you want yet you are still there with him. Why? He is who he is, not who you want him to be. Nothing you do will successfully change that. You are not compatible. If having a child is the real issue, do it by yourself. Adopt or use a sperm donor.If marriage is the issue, move on.
He’s not going to ask you if he hasn’t already. You are wasting your time waiting
This is definitely not someone you want to waste any more time with. Get out because you will missing out on meeting someone who has similar values as you
Either move on or don’t plan on having kids. What is more important to you? The man in front of you or your unborn child. Do we really love the people we say we love anymore? I’m not judging you because it goes both ways. He needs to also love you as much.
If you have to “beg” it’s time to cut him free.
I question whether this man would have children with you even if he did marry you. He seems to be dragging his feet.
You talk about a proposal when you really are thinking about a baby. Does he know that? Is he ready to father a child with you?
He’s waiting on the ‘someday’ being in the future when children are no longer viable
If you want children then you’re wasting your time with this one
The simple answer is to propose to him – and react accordingly
leave, if he wanted to marry you it would have happened already, stop wasting your time.
He’s avoiding and deflecting because he’s not planning on doing it. At some point his reason will be that there’s no point, “what would it change?” Or that things are fine the way they are.
If someone loves you and wants to spend their life with you, you don’t need to beg for a proposal. Someone who doesn’t want marriage will drag their feet.
Right now, if you do have children, it will be a geriatric pregnancy. Every year you wait, the risk of complications gets higher.
You’re wasting your time with this guy.
I never understood being afraid of commitment. I know I’m not exactly the voice of reason… my wife moved in with me during month 1 and we got married on month 6.
I knew after our first date she was the one. Your man has 4 years. In my eyes that’s way too long.
In my opinion, just tell him the truth. No ultimatums but tell him you’re at the end of your rope.
I knew someone that was engaged when I met them, and still engaged after I stopped being friends with them 7 years later. I’m willing to bet they’re still engaged… 12 years after I met them. Why?
He also does not need to marry you. He has all the benefits of marriage without the commitment that a legally binding relationship brings. To you marriage seems to signify security and permanency, a place where you can safely raise a child. His view of marriage is different apparently. You could continue on in this relationship as it is and have kids with him but that does not seem to fit your views. He might marry you at some point. The question you have to ask yourself is do you want to continue in this relationship as it is, force an engagement he may not be committed to, or choose to get pregnant with or without his commitment to marriage or support beyond what the law requires?
You have already communicated to him how you feel and what you want from the relationship. Now you have to decide how you want the next 40 years of your life to be like. Either he shares that vision or he doesn’t. Either he commits to you and joins in that vision with you or he watches from the sidelines as you go ahead, maybe cheering you on, maybe walking away. That is the conversation you need to have.
My ex and I are Catholic and ours was to be his first wedding. I was five years older than him, so 40 when I met him. I had two young children when I met him, and he had none. Furthermore, he was a IV in his lineage, and if he didn’t have a son, his family’s name would die. His family name had some tie to a big battle in Texas. So, we knew time was not on our side. But he wanted to wait until we got married, so that he wouldn’t disappoint his grandmother, who is extremely religious. She would not want a baby out of wedlock. So we waited until it was too late. We got engaged and then married when I was 44. That year I got word from the doctor that I was not able to have children anymore, due to some issues with my reproductive system. He cried for days. He was going to be childless and lose his family name. He kept telling me he wish he hadn’t waited. Turns out his grandmother was a mean and nasty little thing. So, waiting isn’t always the best idea.
He is not going to marry you because he doesn’t want to. He’s 40 yo. If he doesn’t want to get married now, then when?!
He sounds like the kind of guy who keeps stringing a woman along because she’ll do for now. And then he’ll meet someone else and propose within months. The main issue here is not that he doesn’t love you enough to marry you, it’s that he doesn’t care enough to be honest. He’s doesn’t care that you’re unhappy. He doesn’t care that he’s stringing you along and wasting your fertile years. He doesn’t care!
I would rather be alone (and there are plenty ways a single woman can have a child) than be with a man I need to beg or nag to marry me. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who loves you so much he can’t wait to propose and spend the rest of his life with you? Who bends over backwards to make you happy because he can’t bear to see you sad? This is the bare minimum.
Forget the time you’ve already wasted. Just don’t waste any more. Leave him.
So at 33, you didnt have the concersation about kids and a timeline? The first time he got defensive was the time to walk away, now your just praying you get married and pregnant within the next two years? Hun, its not gonna happen.
stop wasting time with this reluctant fool. you are the only one who can change your situation.
He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s 40; if he wanted to, he would.
Google “sunk cost fallacy.” It applies to relationships too. Giving him 2,3, 4 more years is unlikely to change his mind.
You don’t have time for his sh*t. Since you are 38, and want a child, end this now and find someone who is on the same page as you. Or just use a sperm bank. This guy doesn’t want to marry you.
Four years is a reasonable time (particularly at this age) to know if you are ready for kids and commitment.
Sadly, If it’s not a “hell yes”, it’s a “no”.
Please don’t waste any more time on this man. Create your own future aligned to what you want, even if that means you take that road on your own.
He doesn’t want to marry you and if he knows you want to be a mother he is putting you at greater risk by forcing later and later into your life for no good reason other than he really just doesn’t want to marry you.
If he wanted to , he would. I say this as a man who’s been married twice to both women within 1 year
Run away from him. You need a guy who wants you and doesn’t treat your time as if it’s his to waste.
!updateme
I think you already have your answer. If after four years, he hasn’t proposed and started making definite plans, you’re not the one. I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum—that’s how you get a shut up ring. If you want marriage and aren’t willing to string along, you should end the relationship.
Yikes. You better have a very very long and very super uncomfortable conversation with him soon about when this is gonna happen otherwise you may be nearing late 40s still waiting with someone who doesn’t want to get hitched…..and who wants that….my boyfriend brings up marriage on a weekly basis so I don’t forget that it has to happen soon…….and I’m like…………………………………………
If he wanted to, he would. If you want kids you better leave him now while you still have time. I’d check out the single mothers by choice subReddit..
I posted in there (I am in my late 20s) if I should wait on a man to have kids or just have a baby on my own .. in the end, I’m going to have a baby on my own.
If he wanted to he would. You’re putting a lot of eggs in this basket on his word alone. If you really want a family, and you need a ring before you pursue same then his timeline and yours will not align.
I have heard from 2 guys who did this to delay having kids for one and to have fewer for the other. He likely manipulates the situation to have none or fewer.
I would humbly contrast this with myself and my father. We both had, for differing causes though both including money, reason to want to delay marriage. I attended my parents wedding at 3 months old… I myself have 4 children and haven’t married as of yet.
Ultimatums in relationships are generally unwise but you can soften it. Make clear you will abandon all your demands for marriage and your wedding if he will start honestly trying for a baby… This automatically removes any imagination on his end that might have arisen about a possibly expensive wedding.
Don’t let a man show or tell you he doesn’t want you twice.
The SUNK COST FALLACY in relationships refers to the tendency to stay in a relationship, not because it’s fulfilling or healthy, but because of the time, effort, and emotional investment already put into it. Essentially, individuals feel they’ve “come too far” to leave, even if the relationship is no longer enjoyable or beneficial.
Same thing happened to a close relative of mine. She’s now in her 60s, childless, and regrets living with her boyfriend for so many years instead of progressing with her life.
Here’s my more practical advice from someone in their late thirties – bring up IVF now and ask him if he wants to freeze embryos or eggs. Having just spoken and done this myself I’d recommend getting a consultation asap as plenty of women can carry in their 40s.
We spoke to a world expert on fertility and endo and he was pretty positive about eggs in the 35-39 range and said get to it, so we did.
My partner and I have had loads of life complications that threw off plans we had. I unfortunately have endometriosis and in order to get clearance surgery the consultants said do IVF first. My partner was nothing but supportive and financed a lot of it himself because I’ve had to step down to part time because my symptoms are so bad.
I have a sneaky suspicion your partner might just tell you that he doesn’t want to do it. Your eggs are good now – freeze them. You don’t need his consent to do that, but it does mean with a future partner you can go back in time and use healthier eggs. Or have them fertilised by a donor, my cousin is 45 and just had a baby she’s single via a donor. She’s incredibly happy! We have just been chatting about our IVF experiences.
If that’s what you want do not hang around for him and prioritise yourself if you’ve got the finances to do this. I think it’ll also be telling if he’s in it for a good time or if he’s actually invested on moving the relationship forward. But insure yourself if you want kids and don’t hang around for a ‘maybe’ when this is something you want.
If your partner tries to talk you out of this or is genuinely uninterested (and don’t try and force him into freezing embryos – his organic reaction to that will be more telling on how he sees his future to you) if he’s uninterested this relationship is not going anyway.
Ask him why he doesn’t want to marry you. I think you deserve an answer. Don’t take ‘not right now’ for an answer. That is like asking a child why they don’t want to clean their room.
Male (45) here, me and my wife met when we were 26 and 24 respectively. One of the first things we did was talk about our expectations, dating to marry, etc.
It never came up again.
I proposed in 2010 and we were married in 2014. As others have said, if he wanted to, he would have proposed by now. Cut your losses and move on, he doesn’t want to marry you, no matter what he is saying, his actions show otherwise.
Children is the most important discussion and life choice, you have a timeline and a goal in life. If he doesn’t meet it or want to have an honest conversation as a partner, then you should move on. Was around same age when I met my wife, we figured it out within 6 months of committing to each other.
He needs to be honest and direct with you. If he is not able to do that, you should leave. He needs to communicate concretely about what he envisions for a shared future, if it includes kids, and what his approximate timeline is. If he doesn’t feel ready, why? Is it because of concrete reasons that the two of you can tackle together, i.e. financial security, bickering, poor communication, etc? He’s treating you like a nag for your very reasonable desire to have an adult conversation about the future, and it’s really immature. If he can’t talk to you and be honest about what he’s waiting for, you should stop wasting your time.
FREEZE YOUR EGGS. Give yourself an extra option. And I would probably leave this guy if marriage and having kids is a must.
If you’re already living with him, he’s comfortable where he’s at. You’re doing wife duties without being a wife so what’s his incentive to get married?