Me (26F) and my bf (26M) have been together for 4 years. I hate to self diagnose myself with depression since I am not on any medication for that, so I will just say i was really sad today. Not the first time and most likely won’t be the last but today it felt the worst. Like everyone else, life is hard. Im still young, trying my hardest to graduate college (took a couple breaks bc i was indecisive on my career, still kind of iffy but decided to stick with it) and to just excel in everything. But lately I have been feeling so unhappy and i think i’ve been more stressed than usual.
With that in my mind along with a bunch of other personal things, today was really bad for me. I was crying for hours & thinking how much easier it would be if i just wasn’t here anymore.
Usually i am at my boyfriends house during the week but since i was feeling that way i decided to just be alone. I don’t really hear from my bf throughout the day since he is super busy at work all the time, but when he did text me, he didn’t ask but i know he was wondering if i was coming over…or maybe not ? Anyway, i let him know that i needed to be alone today and that i was sorry instead of just not showing up or saying anything. His response, “Cool”….okay ? My first thought was “Is he not going to ask if im okay ?” “Does he not think it’s odd that is said that?” Because i don’t ever say that. So then he asks if it’s something i can’t tell him and i said no, i just didn’t want to annoy him, he already always thinks im in a bad mood. And now i will quickly explain why i said that.
Our last most recent argument, we nearly broke up. One of the things he told me was that im always in a bad mood and i have a cloud over my head lol and he ALWAYS has to cheer me up, like it’s a bad thing. His statement isn’t wrong but it’s never aimed at him or about him! So from that comment alone it just made me feel like whenever i have a bad day or something is bothering me and i talk to him about it, all i do is annoy him. So I feel like even if im sad I have to act like im fine around him or I’ll just piss him off.
And sadly i did notice this a while back, so i started to hold back on sharing certain things with him because really though, i don’t want to put anybody in a bad mood with my problems. And truthfully, it’s not all the time, so him saying that just made me feel like im insufferable. So im not sure if i should even tell him whats going through my head right now & i hate that he even makes me feel that way.
Anyway, i told him in short im not feeling good, im really sad & not my usual self today. The last thing i wanted to do was annoy you.
He asked why am i staying home then (like i didn’t just say why) and again, i said because i want to be alone. All he said was okay, got it. ????? I thought this response was so tone deaf and selfish in a way. I know i didn’t go into details with him but I hope you can understand why i feel like I can’t because of what he said to me during our last argument.
All i wanted is some comfort and for him to just ask if im okay, i shouldn’t have to say it and i shouldn’t have to ask. I know i said i wanted to stay at my own place tonight, but because he put me in a weird spot with even really expressing myself, i can’t help but feel disappointed and that he doesn’t care how i feel. I am lucky enough to have a really good friend who lets me know she will be here if i need to vent or anything to feel better. But as my boyfriend, do you even care ? It seems he’s more so focused on why I didn’t come over and not how i’m actually feeling. He usually never asks me how my day was so i guess i shouldn’t be too surprised tbh. I don’t think he even knows how to handle things like this because he’s already the type of guy to not express his feelings (unless we’re arguing). For me, I always go out my way to make sure he’s okay and I’m always at his house, so why couldn’t he come and do the same for me ? Or was i wrong for what i said ? Am i pushing him away ? Am i that insufferable ? I wish i could control the way I feel and stop having those type of thoughts, but i hold so much in already i don’t see why its wrong for me to let it out.
TL;DR My boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me and i feel like i annoy him when im sad.