My bf keep choosing porn over me, I’m so destroyed

22F 29M, together since September 2024

Hi everyone,

I’m 22F and have been with my boyfriend (29M) since September. I’m writing this because I’ve been holding so much inside and I don’t really know how to process it anymore. I feel completely emotionally exhausted, and I don’t know what’s normal anymore. I’d really appreciate any insight or perspective.

At the beginning of the relationship, the sexual connection was strong. But around December, something changed. I started to feel rejected. Every time I tried to initiate intimacy, he would give me excuses like being tired, feeling bloated, or not being in the mood. I thought maybe it was just a phase, but deep down, I felt something wasn’t right.

Then came January. That week, I tried every single night to connect with him intimately. I expressed clearly that I wanted to be close, not just physically, but emotionally. He rejected me every time. I felt hurt, confused, but I didn’t push.

A week later, I used his phone to look something up on Safari, and I found out he had been watching porn every single day of that week. Monday through Sunday. Even on Sunday, when we spent the whole day together, and I only stepped out for three hours to grab an açaí bowl with a friend. He had used that time to masturbate.

It broke me. While I was right there, wanting him, he was choosing porn instead. And the women he watched? They looked nothing like me. Perfect bodies, flawless skin. I started to compare myself. My self-esteem dropped. I stopped feeling beautiful. I felt disgusting. Invisible. Unworthy.

We had a serious talk after that. He promised he’d stop watching it completely. I believed him. For a while, I felt a little more secure.

But two months later, I checked his phone again. And there it was, porn in his Safari history. I confronted him again, and we had a huge fight. I ended up placing restrictions on his phone’s browser so he couldn’t access those sites anymore. After that, we seemed to be on the same page. At least, that’s what I thought.

Until this past Saturday.

We hadn’t had sex in about a month. That morning, around 9 a.m., I was lying in bed next to him. Something in my gut told me something was off. He went to the bathroom, and I decided to check. I opened the door and there he was, masturbating to porn again. This time, it wasn’t on Safari. It was on Twitter.

I lost it. We had one of our worst fights ever. We physically struggled over the phone. It got intense. I was shaking, crying, screaming. This was the third time. The third betrayal. And what hurt the most was that he never comes to me for sex. He never initiates. I always have to be the one to pursue him.

When I told him that, he said that it’s just “not his style,” that he likes when the woman seduces him, that he prefers to be chased.

But what about me? What about my need to feel desired, wanted, chosen? I’ve been holding everything together emotionally, doing my part, being patient, trying to be loving and understanding. And meanwhile I feel like I’m crumbling inside. I don’t feel like a partner. I feel like a caretaker, or worse, like a burden he tolerates.

To make things even more complicated, I’m about to move to another state with him. I’m about to leave my family, my job, my friends, everything I know, to start a new life with him. And now I’m terrified. I won’t know anyone there. I’ll be completely alone. And if something like this happens again, I won’t even know who to turn to. I’m starting to feel really unsure about this decision.

After the fight on Saturday, he promised again that he would never watch porn again. That this was the final time. But I don’t know if I can believe him anymore. The trust is shattered. I still love him, I really do, but I also feel destroyed.

Since Saturday, we’ve both been making an effort. We’ve had sex every day, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Part of me is hoping it helps, that we can rebuild something. But another part of me is anxious. Constantly on edge. Waiting for it to happen again.

At this point, I’m not sure where this leaves us. I’d appreciate hearing from people who’ve been through something similar, or who can offer some perspective.

Thank you for reading.

TL;DR:
I’ve been with my boyfriend since Sept 2024. Our intimacy started fading months ago, and I later discovered he had been secretly watching porn and masturbating while constantly rejecting me. He’s broken his promise to stop multiple times. I feel emotionally destroyed, and I’m about to move to another state with him, but I’m not sure if I’m making the right decision.