I regret commenting to my boyfriend that I was SA’d in my early 20’s. The other day he was really pushing me to tell him all of the details and he was getting mad about it. I still couldn’t tell him. I believe there is some kind of block that I have as I have never been able to tell anyone. I feel like I freeze when I think about it. Just sometimes. I have found ways to heal and had not had nightmares about it for years until that night that he insisted I tell him. Why does he want to know all of the details? I don’t want him or anyone to know. He says he wants to be there for me but him insisting and getting mad basically made all the memories come up and I have not been able to get good sleep since that night. I’m really angry with him for ruining my progress. But at the same time isn’t it my responsibility to manage my triggers? Part of me also feels like I shouldn’t blame him. Shouldn’t he understand (especially at his grown age) that a topic like this should be talked about when the victim feels comfortable? That’s mostly why I’m upset. Not because he wants to know but the fact that he was getting mad that I wasn’t able to share with him. I don’t want to fight with him anymore as we’ve both been distant since.
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A good guy wouldn’t push you to tell him something that you dont’ want to. Keep the distance from him, forever. Break up.
Someone who cares about you wouldn’t bully you for details on something as painful as SA. He should know better, and you deserve better.
Not being able to respect your desire to not talk about something that makes you uncomfortable is a good reason to end the relationship. His claim of trying to be there for you rings hollow when he is clearly causing distress.
There are some sickos out there who get off on the assault of women and pain in general.
Huge red flag. Sadly I had the same experience. Was pushed heavily. Eventually gave in, barely getting the story together. He proceeded to tell me it sounded made up. Please have enough self respect to protect yourself.
This is a GIANT RED FLAG!
He’s not respecting your boundaries. If he truly wanted to “be there for you” he’d be there by supporting your boundaries the FIRST TIME you told him you don’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to know for YOU, he wants to know for HIMSELF.
If you tell him, you will SERIOUSLY regret it! Behavior like his tells you that he will USE the details of your assault AGAINST you in the future when he’s pissed off! (about sex, lack of sex, anything that HE believes shows you didn’t ‘respect’ him in the moment)
His behavior is truly BREAK-UP WORTHY! Trust your instincts and break up with him NOW. When you do, watch him be a complete a-hole and tell any mutual friends (who don’t already know) that you were assaulted; I can just about guarantee he’ll do it.
Uhhhh with all the weird violent pornography out there ive stopped telling guys things in regards to assult or harassment I’ve experienced cause they find it hot. They literally jerk off to that kind of thing. I wouldn’t put it past him honestly. That or he wants to know exactly what triggers u. In any case, run
A good man coming at this from a good place would have dropped it when you said you didn’t want to talk about it and he certainly wouldn’t get mad at you about it. Your guy isn’t a good one.
Id tell him: If you would like to offer for the many months/years of counselling it would take for me to feel comfortable enough to discuss this information with you without feeling the {insert agonising emotions here} I feel right now, then we will get there. If not, accept that this experience is extremely traumatic and too much for me to express and will likely remain in that bottle forever. Now drop it.
Tbh id probably recognise the red flag in his behaviour and nope out of that relationship with him. You need someone who is understanding and supportive, not someone who can’t read and guilts / pushes you to do stuff you aren’t comfortable with
Please stop ignoring the giant red flag he’s waving at you, and break up with him.
He’s asking you in a way that sounds creepy, gross, invasive, and like a setup for him using it against you or attempting to recreate the same situation. Yes, really.
Get out.
This strikes me as that he has some insecurities. Which is really concerning. Combined with his anger when you didn’t tell him makes his behavior even worse.
Don’t trust men who want to know details. Especially if they’re being insensitive. All the signs point to him being weird about it.
Maybe it gets him off,
Maybe he wants ammo to use against you
Maybe he wants to reenact it
Or something else.
But support? No. You don’t need details to support. I think you’re gonna regret telling him especially with how he’s acting towards this.
Like someone else said he might just say “this sounds fake.”/ “that’s not too bad”/ “why didn’t you fight them off?”/ and it’s not that they don’t believe. They say anything like that, they hate women.
Don’t tell him. And if he insists anymore I would run. (I probably would have already left him if he was getting mad)
Oh no, he’s not good for you. That’s toxic behavior. He’s not respecting you at all in so many ways. Walk away from the relationship because it’ll get worse. You shouldn’t stand for someone overstepping their boundaries, especially since you already know what this is like in such a serious way. Do yourself the major favor and leave. And you’re not to blame at all here, not even for your triggers. Triggers are a normal thing when one goes through something or is afraid of something. He triggered you and that’s not at all your fault. The fact that he was mad is scary to me
It’s really fucked up how he’s pushing you to spill these brutal details… like, he should’ve just let you heal in peace instead of shoving a flashlight up your darkest memories. You’re an absolute rockstar for recognizing his creepy behavior and standing your ground, even when it hurts like hell. Keep kicking that toxic relationship to the curb, you deserve someone who will love and support YOU without forcing you into painful corners.
He’s interested in weaponizing your trauma. The moment he wouldn’t take no for an answer is the moment your relationship should have ended. The second best time for that to happen is now.
The fact that he is actually angry with you for not giving details is terribly concerning. If he wanted to support you, he would be supporting you, not badgering.
If it were me, I’d be done.
I am so sorry, OP.
I’m sorry you are going through, but he isn’t a real man or partner. No one should push you to talk about something like this that you don’t want to. A real partner would be supportive of your decision and offer his support if you need it.
My answer would depend on whether you have a good relationship in general and if there are some context we don’t know about.
To be a good support he shouldn’t pressure you to talk and he shouldn’t make it about him, that he wants to hear. The way you write about it makes it sound a bit creepy.
On the other hand it depends on if there are some other reason for him to pressure you? Is your SA something that affect you relationship a lot? Something that you talk about and seek support for a lot? If it is there might be a reason for him to pressure you that you need to address.
You do not owe him, or anyone, the details. Period. If he keeps pushing and is anything but supportive, then he is not the one for you.
Your bf is being weird. I would reconsider the relationship if I were you.
I believe a
I can’t think of a single legitimate reason for him to push you on this. The fact he didn’t back off immediately and actually got angry, insulting and aggressive is especially concerning. This is not normal behavior.
The nicest explanation I can come up with is that he is making your SA about himself and his feelings. Or he is being controlling and doubling down because he doesn’t like it when you say no to him. But truthfully there is no explanation or excuse that makes this behavior ok. Or he is afraid that he “inadvertently” SA’d someone in the past, is feeling guilty, and wants reassurance that what he did didn’t count.
There’s no good explanation here. I’m sorry. He sucks. He may have other good qualities, but this boundary stomping, emotionally abusive behavior isn’t a very good sign. It doesn’t get better.
He wants to know if it was real sa or if you just made a mistake and regretted it.
It’s smart to make sure these days.
Maybe you should be telling him this instead of posting it on Reddit