My bf doesn’t want to get married. We always said children were off the cards, and same with marriage. However, 8 years down the line, the more I fall in love with this guy the more I want to marry. I never wanted to marry before because I’d never met the right person you know? Anyway, I’ve spoken openly about wanting to get married or engaged at least but he’s adamant it’s a no. His reasonings are everyone he knows who gets married gets divorced. It’s too much of a pain to get divorced if we break up. It’s too much money etc.
Im sad that I’ll never get to experience things like a wedding and a marriage. My dad will never be able to walk me down the aisle. He’s great in every other aspect. We live together and own a house but I don’t know if I’m wasting my time here
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You need to take what he says at face value and decide if you’d rather lose him and find someone else and get married, or stay with him unmarried. Sorry. I’m not sure how important marriage is to you. My husband didn’t care too much about marriage but it was important to me so he married me. You’re should do the same. If he’s confident in your relationship ship, then he should be willing to take the small risk that you’ll get divorced. And yes, the divorce rate is high, but obv the better of a relationship you have, the less likely you are to divorce.
well tbh he’s absolutely right in his reasoning. and if you dont plan to have children i wouldnt see a need to get married either. you also entered this relationship feeling the same way he does. you have changed your mind, which you have a right to do. but it doesnt mean he has to change his.
if you now feel like you’re wasting your time because u suddenly want something that you agreed you didnt want when you entered this relationship then breakup. if its not that big a deal, get over it. those are your 2 options.
So basically, he doesn’t want to marry you because he expects to breakup with you one day. This makes him sound like a poor candidate for marriage.
Please only marry a man who sees a long and wonderful marriage with you.
>Im sad that I’ll never get to experience things like a wedding and a marriage. My dad will never be able to walk me down the aisle.
You already knew that marriage was off the table like you said. So is the sadness a new development, or did you just suppress your feelings back then?
“I don’t know if I’m wasting my time in a relationship where we want different things.” Let’s be fr. Staying would only be a sacrifice on your end. This isn’t disagreeing on getting a pet, this is your future we’re talking about. The longer you stay, the worse it’ll hurt. Please get a grip. Being in a relationship that you want to turn into a marriage and your partner doesn’t sounds miserable.
Accept it or break up.
Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t believe in compromise. He will only take from you. If you wanna get married, then don’t give that up for him. You deserve to be with someone who wants to lock you down.
It sucks, but it sounds like he was pretty up front about how he felt about marriage from the start.
If getting married is important for you now, you may have to call it quits here. Or, why not “get married”, but not legally? Have a small wedding with friends and family and without the legality.
You’re only wasting your time if marriage has become a nonnegotiable to you. So you have to figure that out first and go from there.
> His reasonings are everyone he knows who gets married gets divorced. It’s too much of a pain to get divorced if we break up
If you’re in a longterm relationship, breaking up without any legal contracts can be MUCH harder (e.g. joint finances, property etc. etc.). This is something to look into.
> It’s too much money etc.
Not necessarily. What exactly would be “too much money”? A break up after a decade+ when you’re in your 40s/50s etc. can also cost quite a bit of money and nerves.
> Im sad that I’ll never get to experience things like a wedding and a marriage.
What does “marriage” mean to you? What’s different from being in a relationship to “marriage”?
For the wedding…you can still have a huge party, no one is stopping you from celebrating your relationship.
You’re grieving the future you imagined, and that’s okay. But ask yourself: Can you be happy never getting married? If not, then you have your answer. Love is important, but so is being on the same page about major life goals.
It’s understandable that your mind changed but his hasn’t, he still doesn’t want to get married. That doesn’t make him a bad person. You can talk more with him about it but understand he might never change his mind.
You have to decide if getting married is more important than being with this great man you love. It’s either you stay and love him without marriage or leave and hopefully find someone else to love who also wants marriage.
But you don’t get to guilt him and act like you’re wasting your time. If you choose to stay, you have to be present your relationship the same way you’ve been the last 8 years.
I share your boyfriends view on marriage.
If you think it’s more important to you to have a wedding than to be with your boyfriend, then break it off.
But a marriage in itself won’t change anything about your relationship. It doesn’t add anything except a label. If your relationship is great now, it will remain great regardless of wether you marry or not.
Marriage a romanticized event, but imo that’s not good enough of a reason to sign a legal contract and involve the state/church in a relationship
It sounds like you have a great relationship without marriage – for 8 years, even.
Do you think marriage is going to fix, solve, or some how make a great relationship better?
Or, is it likely to lead to more discomfort and concern within the relationship, and cause it to end?
At the end of the day, a marriage is a legal ceremony where you both agree to abide by state laws concerning how your relationship and breakup will be conducted. It isn’t the relationship itself.
And in many respects, it’s isn’t anywhere near as important as the actual relationship you have.
Marriage isn’t even commitment any more, given the high rate of divorce. It’s a very expensive legal contract that yes, nowadays makes breakups far more grievous and awful than it has to be. He has some points there.
I understand you may really want to celebrate your relationship with a ceremony, the fuss, the beautiful dress, the celebration…
But do you want to risk everything you’ve built together in order to have one special day?
You don’t get to move the goalpost. This very well might be a deal breaker for him and if you push, it won’t end in your favor I’m thinking! Good luck either way
He has been honest with you from the start and you should respect that. Throw yourself a party if you want to feel special
Do you WANT to be legally hitched, or Do You want A CEREMONY acknowledging your Love/Union? You CAN have ALL that w/o the legal aspect of marriage. Know a couple, Legally each other’s next-of-kin (or whatever it’s actually called), own houses, cars, etc. Y’all appear to have all that already.
Just plan a nice ceremony with fam/friends. Declare your love, etc, Eat, drink, be merry. win-win.
If you’re someone that wants to get married now or in the future, bring this up and go your separate ways, don’t hold onto any false hope that he will change his mind, cause almost always they don’t and another scenario is that they say this to you but few years later, you hear them getting married to someone else, that’s because they didn’t want to get married to you (sorry).
Maybe offer to sign a prenup if it’s about money.
You made an agreement and now you’ve changed your mind. Is anything different other than that? If not, maybe you can have a commitment ceremony. It’s not a legal thing but it’s a ceremony.