I (35F) have been with my boyfriend (40M) for 15 months. He’s a wonderful person—mature, kind, responsible. We care deeply for each other. But the biggest ongoing issue in our relationship is… his dog.
He has a 2-year-old small dog who is extremely attached to him, and I feel like it’s taken over our relationship. He refuses to leave the dog alone for more than 6–7 hours, even during sleepovers at my place. I suggested pee pads or an automatic feeder, but he insists the dog shouldn’t be left alone and needs constant care.
We tried having the dog over at my apartment, but it really stressed me out. The dog follows him around 24/7, cries for attention, always needs to be on his lap or cuddling with him. It makes me feel like there’s never a moment where we can just be us—even at night, he places the dog’s bed right next to ours so he can “check on him” during the night. I feel like I’m sharing my partner’s emotional space with his pet.
It’s also affecting our future plans. He recently told me he doesn’t want to take trips longer than a week because he doesn’t want to leave the dog behind. As someone who loves travel, especially being far from home as a foreigner, that really hit hard. I have two cats myself, so I understand loving pets, but this feels different.
Things have escalated. He told me I have too many rules at my house (no dog in the bedroom or on the sofa), and he recently asked for a week-long break to “reflect” if our relationship is compatible. He’s even said things like “I don’t need anyone in my life, just my dog”—and while he later apologized, it hurt deeply.
There have been other moments that built resentment:
He used to let the dog jump around the car while driving, even sit on our laps. I had to really push for him to get a car seat.
At his place, he’d wake up cuddling the dog, and then leave, without even touching me or saying good morning to me.
If I go visit him and we would need to leave right away, he would wait for me outside and wouldn’t want me to come inside his apartment not to disturb the dog. Even if i need to use the bathroom, he would tell me to use the bathroom in the common area instead.
He’s improved in some of these things after a lot of fighting, but the emotional weight of it all remains. And now the travel comment feels like the last straw.
He thinks I’m being unreasonable and don’t “get it” because I have cats, not a dog. But I’m starting to wonder—am I the problem? Is this level of attachment normal for dog owners? Or is it okay that I feel like this is too much?
I’d especially love to hear from dog owners—how do you balance love for your pet with love for your partner?
TL;DR; My boyfriend’s love for his dog makes me feel like I need to put an end to our long relationship
Comments
You are not compatible.
The dog is part of the price of admission, and if that’s not a price you’re willing to pay it’s completely understandable but he’s made it clear he’s not willing to compromise about this.
Whether it’s normal or not it just sounds like you are not compatible.
You aren’t compatible; you are truly a cat person and he is absolutely a dog person. He’s made it clear that the love he feels for his dog is non-negotiable and his attachment to the dog is stronger than his attachment to you, and there’s not much you can do about that other than move on. 15 months really isn’t that long, and now that you’re starting to look at a future together, it’s obvious that you don’t have the same priorities. This dog is only two, unless something unexpected happens it’s going to be around for a long, long time. You want someone who is spontaneous and free to travel, he (presumably) wants someone who can join him happily in his dog-centric world. I say this as a member of a household that is primarily oriented around shared dog coddling, so it’s completely possible to be happy that way, but not if it’s not what you want and you don’t.
Dog owner here. This relationship has no future OP.
Your bf did not completely train his dog but that matters not. The dog is his baby and he wants it near and cared for.
If you stay in this relationship, you do so knowing the dog is priority one.
Honestly, this all seems pretty standard for a dog owner. I also only have cats but the rest of my family are (multiple) dog people and life basically revolves around the dogs. Cats are a lot easier, especially if you’re into travel or want a flexible schedule. Dogs need to be let out frequently and really shouldn’t be left alone overnight or for more than the 6-7 hours you mentioned. That’s why a lot of people get dog walkers to take their dog out during a work day.
The way he is treating his dog isn’t really something that will be negotiable for him, as it all just sounds like the proper level of care that any responsible dog owner would and should give their pet. It really sounds like the two of you are not compatible, unfortunately. Unless you’re willing/able to accept that the two of them are a package deal and are okay with a dog being a big part of your life for the next 10+ years (and probably longer, as most dog people are gonna want to get another dog after the first one passes), then it’s probably the best thing for everyone if you go your separate ways.
Owner of a small dog here: 6-7 hours is about as long as I’m comfortable leaving my dog alone, and even then I feel like that’s a while and I start feeling guilty. Dogs are social animals. Even if they’re just sleeping while you’re at home, they feel comfort being with people. Leaving a dog alone overnight with a pee pad and an automatic feeder feels cruel to me (plus is the dog even trained to use those things?). It seems your partner’s dog may be anxious and very attached to him, so I see why he wouldn’t want to leave them for a long time for the animal’s comfort, but it still seems normal to me in general.
Also in regards to travel, I personally think a week is a decently long trip in general but also when considering a dog. We usually leave ours with a trusted friend when we travel, and that’s something to coordinate, and it gets more complicated the longer the trip. Plus we just miss her and want to be back with her. If you’re paying for boarding instead, it’s incredibly expensive, and some pets don’t do well in boarding (plus all the inherent risks involved). My husband and I both agree on how we approach dog care, and we recognize that it does limit us in how spontaneous we can be. We’re okay with that.
Honestly to me it seems like you’re not a dog person, which is fine, but it’s an incompatibility. The dog is here to stay, just like your cats are. If you don’t want to live the lifestyle of a person who owns a dog, I’d move on to find a partner who shares your values.
Edit to add: while it absolutely sounds like this dog could use better training and some boundaries (totally agree with you on the car seat), 2 for many dogs, especially small ones, is still essentially a puppy. Just throwing that out there.
you already know what you need to do
I’m a dog owner and I know a lot of dog owners and you really shouldn’t leave them alone for more than 6-7 hours. Pee pads are a horrendous idea and just train your dog to go inside, which I’m pretty sure you do not want. Not wanting to travel for more than a week at a time is a personal choice and not one I would make but I understand it. Some of the other behavior definitely seems off so honestly maybe you should just call it for this relationship.
I’ve been with my partner for two years. I understand where you’re coming from. I have a dog myself. I’m a big dog lover. I’m the person who wants to pet every dog. Dogs come first. For me to feel this way felt insane.
When I started dating my boyfriend, he had a little dog. Similar to mine. I felt excited to meet her. I wanted to play with her. He started acting strange. Jealous. Territorial. I remember moments where he would hold her tight, almost like a headlock, so she couldn’t come to me. I would visit him. We had a small bed. I suggested a spot on the floor for her. She didn’t mind. She actually loves me more than him. I take her everywhere. I care for her.
He had a problem with that. He didn’t like the bond. He refused to put her on the floor. He placed her between us. He spooned her. I felt excluded. It kept happening. I never said much. I didn’t want to cause tension. It always felt strange. I completely get what you mean.
You probably need to sit him down. Calmly. No blame. Just truth. Say this: I like your dog. I respect your bond. I care about you both. Dog owners usually put the dog first. I understand that. You’re in a relationship. You adjust. You make room. You find balance.
Leave the dog in the room. Use a dog bed. Nothing wrong with that. You both need to talk like adults. He won’t choose you over the dog. That’s okay. He shouldn’t have to. There’s space for growth. You just have to name the problem.
I’m a dog owner. Love him to pieces. He’s not allowed in the bed or on the couches. I leave him up to 8-9 hours because of my work. He’s crate trained. I think if I dated someone that had issues with my dog or how I managed life with my dog, it wouldn’t work out.
All dog owners are different. Some more attached than others.
You resent the dog. Break it off and find someone without a dog.
Not compatible, I have a dog and she goes everywhere with me when I’m not at work. It’s the way I like my life and it makes me extremely happy, I’d say he has the same sentiment. Probably a good thing to keep in mind for future partners with pets, they do take a significant part of a person’s life.
Everything he is doing is being a good dog owner. You don’t leave dogs alone overnight. You don’t let them get to the point they are so uncomfortable they have to pee on a pad.
You aren’t compatible.