My bf and I have been together for eight months and things have great so far. I love him and honestly could’ve seen me spending my life with him. Until yesterday.
For his birthday he asked if I could cook him his favorite meal and just spend the day together in my apartment. The plan was to have him over at noon, but at around 11 he called me and said his friends wanted to take him out, so he’d be coming over for dinner. I already had things cooking but decided not to start a fight since it was his birthday.
I didn’t hear anything from him until 6 when he pounded on my door. I opened the door and he was with his friend who dropped him off cause my bf got drunk. He’s never gotten drunk in the middle of the day like that before since we’ve been together. He does drink and it doesn’t bother me, but I just didn’t like this.
I asked my bf if he wanted his food and he said no, but he wanted to tell me something.
He went on about how much he loved me and how great I am and how he couldn’t wait to put a lot of babies in me. Then he emphasized the baby thing again by saying he couldn’t wait to watch my stomach swell and to see me feeding our children the “natural way”. It honestly was so weird how fixated he was on that.
After all that he got down on one knee and pulled out a ring that he said he designed himself. A ring I had no clue existed and we’ve never talked about. We have talked about getting married, but not about the proposal. The ring is pretty, but I would’ve liked to have at least had a conversation.
I did tell him yes, but I just feel so conflicted. Again, he’s been so great, but I do not like this side of him. Even after the proposal he asked if he could lay down cause he was feeling dizzy and fell asleep. He woke up at around midnight and I took him home so he could make it to work today.
I asked if he remembered the proposal and he said yes. He says he thinks it’s great it happened that way cause it’s a funny story to tell. I don’t find it that funny, but I don’t know.
I don’t need advice I just want to vent because I do not know what to do and I think I’m just overthinking this.
Comments
Not the best way to propose.. so weird that he’s so hyper fixated on getting you pregnant. I would think more about getting married to him, since it’s only been 8 months. You should truly tell him how you feel about the proposal too.
Don’t ignore your gut. You should be able to bring up these feelings to him and he should be able to understand and validate them without getting defensive. If he can’t, then, well…
This screams baby trap. Don’t marry him.
Very weird way to propose. He made the entire thing about him. His drunk fun, his babies raised the way he wants it, asking you to cook then not even eating it. He has a fantasy of you in his mind and it might be close to reality but it may be very far from it. You need to have some conversations about how you felt about this at minimum to determine if he’s just projecting “wife” onto you or if he truly sees and knows you.
🚩🚩🚩
If you’re going to continue with this engagement, please make it a long one, and double up on your pregnancy prevention methods. I have a feeling that time is going to tell this is not the man for you, and you need a clean out without him babytrapping you
This suppose to be a special moment for both of you. This doesnt sound special at all. I would give that ring back. Usually the real faces of people in relationships come out after 11 months. He is starting to show his. Don’t ignore the red flags. If you ignore it, you become the red flag. Dont be a red flag.
Your marriage will be difficult if you don’t learn to communicate with each other without getting into a fight.
>He went on about how much he loved me and how great I am and how he couldn’t wait to put a lot of babies in me. Then he emphasized the baby thing again by saying he couldn’t wait to watch my stomach swell and to see me feeding our children the “natural way”
I know this is about perspectives, but this is creepy imo.
I wouldn’t want to tell anyone I knew that I got engaged like that. That as I was making him food to spend time with him for his birthday, he cancelled on me to go out day drinking with his friends. Got dumped by my place by said friends very drunk in the evening went on about his love for me and getting me pregnant, putting his babies in me, feeding his babies, etc. After he proposed he didn’t want to eat anything I cooked him and just passed out until midnight when it was time for me to take him home so he didn’t miss work. People would think that I was crazy to even consider saying yes. They would assume that I turned him down and was considering breaking up.
It reads like a horror story you tell to friends about dating life. Not a funny proposal. Run from this red flag.
Proposals are overrated. If you believe you want to be married, focus on that, because it’s a long commitment, and a proposal is only a moment.
I accepted a proposal and married when I knew it wasn’t right. I regret it every day. Focus on what you really want out of your life, not the fairytale proposal or wedding. If you think your partner will provide the love and life you want, the proposal is a tiny drop of water in the greater ocean.
I think the fact that you still refer to him as “bf” instead of “fiancé” speaks volumes
No no no and no again
8 months in and already all the red flags to send any sane person running.
Your honeymoon phase has already ended in a short time span.
You’re second to his friends. Asking for a home cooked meal and can’t even turn up when he’s supposed to.
He doesn’t normally day drink or he does but just hasn’t done it because he’s trying to put his best foot forward. Apparently he doesn’t have to keep up with that illusion anymore.
Wants to put a baby in you already when you barely even know him as an individual and how you would function as a couple.
And I hope to gods that ring wasn’t one he had lying around from a previous relationship.
Take some time before you even think about marrying. And please use Birth Control.
ETA: is he just wanting to be a “dad” or would he be an actual partner who helps raise these kids he’s so eager to have you pop out?
Devils Advocate
It sounds to me like perhaps he might have talked to his mates about how nervous he was, maybe they talked him into some Dutch courage. Maybe there was too much courage, but being lads with a few under the belt, they encouraged him to go ahead with his plan.
I would sit down with him, explain how that proposal felt from your side, and how it’s not exactly a nice story, or necessarily even a funny story. But more something that other women will always feel sorry for you about. That really, it was diminishing of what you deserve. Now personally, I wouldn’t stay engaged. But I’m old and jaded 🤣 but you say everything was great until this, so maybe you will, and that’s okay, but if he turns up to your wedding drink and fixates on you breast feeding, definitely not him okay!!!!!
If you are not finished with the relationship, not wanting to rock the boat etc, please do some things for yourself right now.
This could well be a huge red flag, it could be one really dumb ass decision. You can always see the story as one you can always laugh “at” him to everyone about, turn the tables.
Oh as for the ring, if you love a man, how does what the ring looks like actually matter? I’m not being catty, I am actually asking? I have always thought the attitude many women express, and the pressure of society for a tiny piece of metal 🤷🏻 . I think if I loved a man, I’d accept anything, as long as he made me feel valuable.
You’re not overthinking any part of your post.
Yikes! And you started your future roll already in taking care he made it to work today.
My husband of 30 years downed 3 vodkas right before he proposed. He drank wine here and there but not a liquor drinker, so only knowing him less than a year at the time, I was kind of taken aback until he handed me teddy bear holding a ring box and proposed.
So many red flags… please don’t ignore them or your gut instincts.
Give him the ring back and tell him if he can’t do it sober you don’t want it.
This is a disaster!!!
you’ve only been together 8 months!! Not long enough to know if you’re truly compatible.
You don’t even live together yet. You don’t know if you’re compatible without living with each other for a decent period of time. He could be a slob or leave all chores up to you, or he could spend his money out drinking and not pay rent or bills on time. There’s loads of things you find out about each other from living together.
You didn’t even go out for his birthday together. He made plans to spend the day with you and for you to cook for him, which you did, but then he bailed on you to go get wasted with friends, showing you a lack of appreciation for you cooking his dinner and wasting it, disrespect for cancelling on you last minute to go get drunk with friends, didn’t even invite you to come out too. That’s a lot of disrespect, unappreciative of what you were doing for him and the cost of wasted food, leaving you hanging around waiting to hear from him.
Then he comes to your place drunk off his head, starts talking about babies and having you feed them the natural way, and then decides to propose while you’re cold sober and he’s dead ass drunk.
That’s hugely disrespectful to you, because you deserve more than a half asked drunk proposal on his birthday-which is also manipulative coz if you said no he’d be pissed you ‘ruined his birthday’. But he didn’t have the respectful you to actually be sober and give you a meaningful proposal. For all you knew he could have forgotten it the next day.
You deserve way better than some drunk proposal followed by him falling asleep on you. Its meant to be loving and romantic and special. Not some drunken idea that he blurts out and then passes out.
What you need to do is either text him or say to him in person….
I need to talk about the proposal. I’m really not happy with the way it all went down, and it feels quite disrespectful the way you went about it. There was no thought involved, no special meaningful moment, just you staggering around in my flat drunk off your face, after you’d cancelled plans with me to go out and get drunk with your friends. You’d asked to spend the day with you and for me to cook your favourite meal, which I did, but you cancelled on me, and never bothered eating it, so that was a waste of time and money. You left me sat waiting at home wondering you would be back for us to celebrate together, but instead you come back plastered, proposed while drunk, then fell asleep. I find that really hurtful and disrespectful, and it shows a lot of lack of thought about me.
We also have only been together 8 months which isn’t long enough to really know each other, I mean I never expected you to treat me like this for one thing. And we don’t even live together. You need to live together a while to know that you’re compatible, and both put in equal effort with chores, and that we can be with each other every day, and that you’re responsible with bills and money etc.
It’s far to early to be getting engaged, so I need to give you the ring back for now.
We should have had a discussion about this before you just sprung it on me,and it felt manipulative to do it on your birthday, as if I said NO last night, you’d have said I ruined your birthday. So now I’m being honest in that we are nowhere near ready to get engaged or get married, so the engagement is off. Its best we don’t even count that as a proposal. Because I deserve more respect and love and care than to be proposed when you’re drunk off your face after leaving me alone all day after bailing on our plans. You said it will be a funny story to tell, we’ll I don’t find it funny.
If this relationship is going to work, you need to show me you respect me, and love me, and we can work on getting to a point where we move in together in future, to see if we are compatible. And only after living together a while should we start talking about getting engaged.
But right now I’m really hurt with how you behaved and treated me yesterday so I’m going to take some time for myself and you should take some time to think about what I’ve said too, and your actions. ”
Then take a few days apart and really think if he is someone you want to be with long term. And if he treats you respectfully and appreciates you and what you do etc. Look at the big picture in how he treats you, and if he’s the type of person you see yourself with down the line. If not walk away.
If you do, he needs to grow up and start behaving like an adult and treating you with love and respect.