One of my best friends (F31) and I (F29) made a marriage pact in high school, that if we both weren’t married by 40 we would have a “lavender marriage”, and it’s starting to feel real now and it’s worrying me.
We are both straight cis females so this isn’t the typical lavender marriage, but would technically be a marriage of convenience. This marriage pact started out as a joke in high school when talking about how much the guys we knew sucked, and if we couldn’t find a man we liked by 40, we would just get married to each other. I am 100% someone who likes to roll with the bit and make references and jokes frequently, so that’s what I did. I joked about it, and even made a card stating how I wanted her to propose to me. It’s been a frequent thing to bring up, and we tell others about it all the time.
Well, now we’re getting older and these jokes are starting to stress me out because the time is drawing nearer and we both are nowhere near getting married to anyone. Within the past couple years she’s started bringing it up more and more frequently, “when we get married can we do this?” or “when we live together can we get this?”. And at first I thought she was just rolling with the bit, but lately she seems like she’s actually planning it and is quite serious.
She’s told me a few times that she’s saved the card I wrote to her telling her how to propose so that she can use it on the day. She’s been talking more about how it would be a perfect marriage since we can get financial stability from it, get a house together, etc. while still seeing other people.
I honestly always only saw this as a bit, but now I’m getting concerned that she’s quite emotionally invested in this and I don’t know what to do. I thought I’d definitely be married by 40,
but as I get older I’m realizing life doesn’t always work out the way you’d expect. Bottom line though is I definitely don’t want to follow through with this marriage pact… I feel like if I bring it up she will be genuinely so disappointed. Which I guess it’s better to bring up now rather than later, but I have no idea how to bring up the topic in a natural way. Any advice on how to go about this? Should I bring it up to her? Or just cross my fingers and hope one of us gets married before then? What do I do?
Comments
Yes, bring it up soon and gently. Say you’ve loved the joke over the years, but want to be honest now: you never saw it as a real plan, and you’re worried it might hurt her if it’s left unspoken. It’s kinder to clear it up now than let it linger and deepen
It kinda seems like she has feelings for you
ya def don’t wanna just ignore it. if she’s takin it more serious now, better to talk before feelings get deeper. u can keep it light but honest, like i know we always joked abt that pact but i never rlly meant it as something i’d wanna do for real. remind her u value her friendship + that u get why the idea might feel safe/stable, but u don’t wanna blur lines in a way that could mess ur bond. it’s way kinder to be clear now than let her keep planning in her head
Hook up with her. See if you like it 👍
Reminds me of the office when Michael asks pam if she’s not married in next few decades
Just don’t tell people you invented post-its and you’ll be fine
Better to be honest now: tell her you’ve always seen the pact as a joke, you don’t plan to follow through, and you value the friendship too much to risk leading her on.
Yeah seems like it might not be a joke for her.
Better to talk about it, be sure your on the same page, and make things clear if you aren’t
A marriage of convenience with your best friend sounds like an adventure, not a punishment
Okay, So in your own words, why have you not gotten married?
Be honest.
Not sure it’s the joke you think it is. There’s still a long time before your “joke” plan would kick in, but if it’s bothering you stop rolling with the bit. Let her know that it’s starting to bother you now that 40 doesn’t feel like it’s forever away like it did in high school.
You need to gently let her know that you’re not really going to go through with that it was high school talk. You should do it sooner than later. Please be gentle on both of you. Good luck
She seems to have a lot of feelings involved in something that’s supposed to not be about feelings.
Just ask her that. Point out that she’s acting like she’s very emotionally invested in what you thought was a joke, and you want to make sure you’re both on the same page about the fact that it’s just a joke
Sorry, you made a pact so you have to go through with it now. Congratulations.
Why would a person get married just to be married? It’s funny when brought up as a joke. But anyone sensible would be having second thoughts about the “pact”. It’s a serious legal & social contract.
I’m sure she will understand that you love the idea but aren’t actually going to follow through
Sounds like a great idea, but you will need to stock up on cat food!
You’re 29. Time to stand up for yourself.
I’m wondering if both of you have realistic standards for the men you’re looking for when compared to your personal stats.
Marry me
Real solution
So hows dating going for both of you? Is at the point she doesnt and has fallen back on the pact because it’s there? Why does she have no faith in your dating life?
Either way, you guys still have time but if want the most mature thing it’s to talk to her.
If someone kept talking about wanting to marry me for over a decade, idk that it would still sound like a joke
You will never get married & find love with your current mindset…especially if you follow through on that “joke” pact with your “straight” friend.
Everyone is stressed and has problems. Therapists will sell you infinite sessions. It just sounds like you have some growing up to do and need to be more honest with yourself about your values.
I know a lot of women from my wife that are single and struggle to “find” good men. The one consistent thing with all of them is their picker is completely off. They just keep going after the wrong dudes and snubbing the good ones. Happens again and again. If the lavender marriage isn’t your thing. I would start looking inward and assessing why you keep picking the dudes that don’t go anywhere
Why waste time? Do it now
How often do you two talk about how men are terrible? It seems believable that one or both of you are manifesting a life without men because we all suck?
As this seems a frequent topic, is it possible that it’s you two? Are you both terrible dates because you’ve decided men are terrible? Honestly you both sound like nightmare sedates to me. If I was dating someone who talked like you too seem to, I’d be out of there also.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You have like 11 years to go and shes right, collectively, financially it’s probably a good plan… lol.
It’s time to have the conversation as grown women. ! I’ve been bff’s for 50+yrs to my girl Lisa61f, me 61f. Both of us have been married since we were 19& I still love my life! However she’s just blah & we tease about all of the silly pacts we made back as kids, none of which were marriage pacts, yet had we kept most of them our lives would be completely different & neither of us would have the families that we were meant to create . 🤷🏼♀️ I love my bff, my hub is so much yummier to love 😂 yes even in our 60’s ✌🏼