I’ve (28F) been dating this guy (34M) for a year and his mom has some control issues.
He’s relied heavily on his mom for years but since meeting me, he’s been able to start turning his life around and now he relies on his mom very little. A normal mother would be happy to see their child improving but she resents it and resents me for it.
We live together now in my house that is in my name solely.
Several weeks ago while we were both home, his mom pulls up. She had tried calling us both a few times and we didn’t answer because we were busy. This was in a 45 minute time frame, from the first call to her showing up without warning.
My bf met her in the yard and she proceeded to scream at him about how worried she was and how he needs to answer his phone for the next 20 minutes before she left. According to him, she comes over unannounced and uninvited to all of her three adult children’s homes frequently.
I didn’t intervene at that time but the next day I did send her a polite but firm text stating that if she cannot reach us on our phones in a reasonable time, showing up unannounced is never an answer to this and that the same courtesy will be shown to her.
She ignored my message but did call my bf and tell him that as long as he’s living there, she’ll come over whenever she wants and that I’ll just have to call the police if I want to act this way.
I’ve explained to my bf that I’m not comfortable with this, that my own family doesn’t drop by my house unannounced.
I don’t want to call the police over something as petty as this but I also don’t want her coming over whenever she pleases, despite knowing how I feel about it.
My boyfriend agrees and says that he’ll talk to her but I’m not confident that will work. She has behaved and acted this way for years and all of her children just allow it because “that’s just how mom is.”
What can I do if she comes out again? Should I call the police if she refuses to leave?
I’m sorry, I know how inconsequential this whole thing is. I’ve just never dealt with anyone like her before.
Comments
I’m sorry, I know how inconsequential this whole thing is. I’ve just never dealt with anyone like her before.
If she comes to the house unannounced, do not answer the door.
Either your boyfriend deals with her or he moves out.
Just imagine if you two had kids. She would try to push her way past the nurses while you give birth, borrow the kids for a weekend, and more.
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Literally. Sometimes you just have to let them stand on the step and knock and scream and make a scene. Kinda like letting a child learn to sleep on their own.
Your boyfriend needs to stop being such a pussy too. I get dependence is hard to break. But he is making his choices now. He needs to stand firm with them. No try to appease you both and play both sides. It will never turn out well for him. Because you will leave him and he will just go back to mommy.
Maybe move and don’t give her the address. Or let her know that will happen if she doesn’t respect boundaries.
Quit texting these boundaries. Look that woman firmly and directly in the eyes and establish the boundary.
Put up no trespassing signs.
Put them on your outer doors. Put them on your fences.
Get one of those cameras that screamed out when someone is in your parking area saying you are being watched, you are on camera you are being recorded.
There is a neighbor a couple blocks over when I walk the dog and I walk by the house, that is really loud. It definitely makes you alert. I try to avoid walking by the house now. But not all the time am I able to.
You could have a sign made up that says, “unexpected visitors are not allowed in.”
Your house, your rules. Either your boyfriend (and you if you want) talk to her. If he doesn’t want to or nothing changes, he can move out. Or you can start calling the cops. Keep records of her showing up unannounced and when you talked to her and what you said.
My genuine advice is don’t bother dating men who are in their 30’s and still haven’t cut the umbilical cord, it rarely ends well.
But if you actually value this relationship and want to make it work, boyfriend needs to grow a spine and put her in her place now. It’s not really your job, he’s the issue as much as her.
Just go have a little looksie through r/justnomil for an idea of your future if he doesn’t.
And honestly yes, she said you’ll just have to call the police to get rid of her, so do that if your boyfriend is too much of a fanny to stand up to his mummy. Call her bluff, don’t answer the door when she turns up unannounced and if she won’t leave call the police on her. Maybe getting tazed in the arse will teach the bint some manners.
You and your boyfriend need to speak with her about this. It’s your house, your boundary. If she does not respect it, then both of you should have a plan to act like you were just leaving, busy doing housework, or not answering the door.
Whatever you do, do not install a doorbell camera and turn on the mic while making, you know…those sounds…do not do that…it will make her very uncomfortable and give you two something to laugh about. So, just don’t…
Next time, you both answer the door naked
HE needs to deal with this. You have a boyfriend problem. She’s his mother and you shouldn’t have to be dealing with her like this.
Get a ring camera and maybe some security cameras as well.
How old is she? Might be time to remind her that someday she will need care and not to be so damn annoying.
It sounds like there’s more to this story and it’s OK for you not to share it. But just as much as this may be an issue of a mother with control issue, it may be an issue of a son who at 34 had good reason to need a mother checking up on him in his life. Please do not feel obliged to share more, but just in case it’s the latter case do understand that his mother too has feelings and worries.
On another note: We are not always available to pick up our phones. Phones have made us feel like we oowe everyone being all the time available. But at the same time (unless they call say more than twice a day) I woould not feel it right to make it a habit to not pick up when family call. They’re family
Your bf’s mother is not okay. If bf can’t stand up to her, well…..this is your future.
Don’t answer the door and tell your boyfriend that ‘that’s just how she is’ isn’t going to fly.
If she wants unlimited access to his space, and he doesn’t want to say no, he can go live with mom again.
Nah, I’d dump the mama’s boy. It’ll only get worse.
I don’t think this is inconsequential at all! Calling the police seems extreme. Maybe lol. But your BF needs to get the message through to her that she can no longer just show up at your house when she feels like it. Perhaps he needs to see that he may not be welcome there himself much longer if she is part of the package.
This won’t change, you are unrealistic to think so. You have a choice to make now before he impregnates you and secures his piece of your finances. He’s a momma’s boy and he will never change. Let him live with his mom
Don’t answer the door
No way in hell would you catch me being with a man who excuses this behavior from his mother with 0 boundaries. Nope.
I’d tell him if he wants to keep excusing this behavior then he can go live with her. Byyyyye.
If a 34-year-old man can’t control his mom and get her to respect his wishes, you need to decide whether or not he is someone you want to spend your life with. Tell him to manage his mom, or you’re through.
This is not remotely inconsequential.
How is your boyfriend responding to this?
What do you know about his relationship with his mother? Is he independent of her? Or still tied to her apron strings?
If the latter, that is something that you should be concerned about.
Do NOT call the police
If she shows up unannounced again, simply tell her to go away then shut the door in her face.
Literally don’t answer the door. Keep everything locked.
34M being referred to as guy is telling…
Your bf needs to be on the same page and he should talk to her mom and field this. This is a pointless endeavor if he isn’t on board.
Voicemail exists for a reason, as do door and window locks, monitored security cameras, electric fences, and no trespassing orders.
It’s your home and this person should respect your boundaries. The best thing to do is not answer the door and if your bf wants to indulge her then he can sit outside in the driveway with her
Build a tall fence with a gate and lock. Sometimes a huge visual defence is better than just not answering the front door. My mum used to do this after I moved out, and would then go around the entire house looking in all the windows trying to see if anybody was home before returning to the front door to knock and call me trying to hear my phone ringing inside. 🙄 A huge ass fence stopped here even getting to the door.
When I first moved in with my husband, before we were married, my mom was doing that. Just dropping by. The door was unlocked one time, and she opened the door, and her eyes darted around real fast like she was trying to catch us doing something. Like, who TF do you think you are!? I hadn’t even been living with her before moving in with him. I was living with my grandma because she had kicked me and my baby out in the middle of the night for literally nothing.
I told her right then and there she has no right to just be walking into this house. My husband OWNS his own home and who are you to be walking into a grown man’s house? But my daughter lives her too!? So!?!?!?! DO NOT walk into this house without knocking. EVER!
Oh man, I went OFF on her.
Next time she shows up unannounced, just do not answer the door. That includes your boyfriend. Just leave her out there until she goes away, no matter how long it takes. When BF finally responds to her text, just tell her over and over again that you need a heads up before she comes over. If nobody has responded, that means its not a good time. You are grown adults with your own lives. he needs to tell his mom that is YOUR property, and she can’t just drop in all the time. Stand firm. Do NOT answer that door.
If she continues to come over and bangs on the door for hours or something, then you call the cops on her. Tell them she is harassing you. She does NOT have the right to come over any time she wants just because her grown a$$ man of a son lives there now. He isn’t a child she has rights to like that.
“That’s just how mom is” is an unacceptable response. Just because you’re dating him, that doesn’t mean you now have to be subjected to her disturbing behavior. If he can’t create proper boundaries for his mother in regards to how she shows up at your home, then he does not need to continue living in your home. You should never be put in a position where the police may need to be involved because of the erratic behavior of your boyfriend’s mother. Please don’t put up with this nonsense.
Ignore the self centered comments that say it’s only his problem.
You’re a couple, so unless you’re basically FWB roommates, it makes sense to work together on this.
Instead of sending messages, try to free up some time together to have her over so you can have a robust conversation about this.
Talk it through beforehand with your BF to make sure that both of you properly close ranks during that conversation.
If that doesn’t work, give her what she wants by calling the police.
Check out the show “I Love a Mama’s Boy” – that could be your future.
So, when you say he’s relied on his mother less since you started dating…
Is he actually becoming more independent? Or are you just taking care of him now? Because there’s no need to fight over who gets to be his mommy, if that’s the case, I’d say cut this one loose.
But if he’s actually a worthwhile partner and his mom just has no respect for boundaries, then I second what a lot of others are saying. Do not meet her outside, do not open the door, let her throw her little fit and remain firm in your boundaries. Getting a ring camera isn’t a bad idea either. But don’t budge, even a little, on your limits and expectations.
I get not wanting to call the cops, so just wait her out instead unless she genuinely escalates to that point.
You will need to find out if your partner is willing to be this firm with her. You’re going to have to be on the same page.
Schedule a weekly lunch or dinner date and make it clear that’s mom time, no other time. She’s panicked about losing access to him.
She has told you what it takes to make her go away … CALL the police. You grew up in a polite, kind family (sounds like it). She is feral. You are not sure how to enforce boundaries. Some therapy and one or two calls to the police will help with that. Your BF also needs some therapy. r/jnmil is your best friend to see the hell you are about to walk into and there are 7 levels to it.
Boundaries and consequences
Boundary – no unannounced visits
BF Mom shows up unannounced
You or Bf – “BF Mom, we asked you not to come over unannounced and you aren’t respecting our wishes. You will need to leave now and come back another time when we have scheduled a get together.”
Consequence – Then close the door, or go in the house and close the door and completely ignore her.
Let her stand there and yell at the house, the door, scream shout, psycho call, bang on windows, throw things, cry, tantrum…whatever. You just ignore her. (It’s best to have cameras – ring or otherwise, recording and documenting this so she if she calls the police and say you are abusing her son, or that you physically struck her or …whatever…you can show the police the cameras and they will likely ask if you want to trespass her. Do so).
Otherwise, if she doesn’t call the police,
She will do one or some combination of three things A) she will get tired and leave
B) she will escalate and damage your home or threaten to commit suicide to get her way and/or
C) she will call for the flying monkeys and you will get bombarded with calls, texts and visits that you shouldn’t treat BF Mom this way from
Family and friends …that you are the problem and disrespectful.
If A or A and C, keep ignoring all of it. It may escalate initially but just stand strong and keep ignoring it.
If B, whether harming your home or threatening suicide, call the police. You are not equipped to deal with either one. The police are trained and equipped to deal with both. Btw – extremely high chance suicide threats are just to manipulate and control you but aren’t real. Yet you are still not qualified to tell the difference between real and manipulation…let the trained professionals sort it out.
Say, BF Mom leaves but comes back the next day or the next week or later the same day, again unannounced…you again refuse to visit with her, allow her in home and you add “BF Mom, we have nicely asked you to respect our wishes and feelings and to schedule visits, since you don’t respect our feelings or wishes, we are going to take space from you and will be in touch down the road to see if you are in a better headspace.”
Then block her on your phones, don’t answer any emails, messages through other phones etc…stand firm. Let 6 to 8 weeks pass …with zero contact and if she has backed up and left you alone, reach out, act like nothing happened and ask her to lunch. In a restaurant.
If she continues fairly non stop or continuously aggravating and disrespecting you, at 90 days, send her a cease and desist letter and tell her you are going to involve the authorities and get a no trespass judgment/restraining order against her.
The key is to state your boundary, no unannounced visits and then vigorously enforce it. She will learn to have a relationship with you and BF she must respect your boundaries or no relationship. And you have to be okay with no relationship because she is a bad boundary stomper, immature tantrum throwing adult and …that kind of behavior needs to stop.
There is generally no reasoning with people like her…the only thing they ever really respond to is consistent vigorous reinforcement of your boundaries.
If your BF can’t agree to this…he’s too enmeshed in a toxic relationship with his mother and he is not available to be a good partner to you. I would tell
Him therapy and change or we are done. And mean it.
Otherwise for the rest of your relationship and his mother’s life…you and any kids you have will be bullied, dominated, disrespected, manipulated and harmed by her toxic behavior. Be smart. Get out now.
OP, I recommend taking the high road. Try a friendly lunch where you can explain how your family functions and how this is YOUR HOUSE. You are only asking for a common courtesy, and if she can’t respect that, this will impact your relationship going forward..
If you do this politely, you can be clear with both her and your boyfriend, that this will not be tolerated in your place of peace.
It is also imperative for your bf to drive the seriousness of this conversation home with her in their own personal conversation for her to get the hint.
Best of luck
Lock the door and don’t answer
I think that both of you need to have an in person honest convo with her before it happens again (not at the time) and just let her know it’s not ok to just show up. People can’t always answer their phones or respond to texts immediately and although she may worry about him, he’s fine and in good hands. Nobody wants to have a bad relationship with their partner’s parent but limits also have be established.
Dr. Phil had an episode about this. He needs to sit down and talk to her and explain that she has a control issue that she needs to see a therapist about. If she does not do this, explain that there will be no contact with her. Nophone calls, no in person visits. If she continues to stop by, get a restraining order.
She will not be happy, but things will not change until she gets help.
Stick to your guns. This will take a while to fix. Best wishes.
You shouldn’t call the police until she arrives on your doorstep and is told to leave. If she doesn’t comply or she starts beating on the door, trampling your plants, etc. then you should call the police advise them that you are willing to charge her with whatever offense seems appropriate eg trespass, loitering vandalism , etc. and ask them to come over and attend to the issue. Since they don’t want to have to deal with this or an escalation of this again, I would expect them to make your point of view crystal clear to her . Whatever happens next is all on her and your boyfriend should understand that.
When she calls, send a text reassuring her you are fine(bf does this) but busy, not available for visits. Then don’t answer the door. This way she can’t claim she’s worried about him.
Do not engage. Make your bf deal with his own mother – in the front yard.
If he’s not home when she comes by, do not answer the door. Call bf to come get her.
“She ignored my message but did call my bf and tell him that as long as he’s living there, she’ll come over whenever she wants and that I’ll just have to call the police if I want to act this way.”
“Lady, your son might live here but I own this house. You are not being given permission to come over unannounced whenever you want. That is rude and disrespectful. You will call first to see if we’re available or wait for an invitation. If you show up unannounced you will be turned away. I have no problem with calling the cops on you for trespassing. You’re going to learn to respect boundaries even if we have to do it the hard way.”
You and your boyfriend have to be resolute when you establish boundaries. Consequences have to be clear and consistent. It will get worse before it gets better because she will resist until she learns that she will not get her way. If she comes over without asking, don’t open the door. If you have a doorbell camera you can tell her that you are unavailable for a visit and she needs to leave. If she refuses, call the cops.
Answer the door naked and say, “Um, we’re busy right now,” and then slam the door in her face. Do this every time she shows up unannounced. She’ll stop.
This is your bf’s problem to solve.
You really need to evaluate if your boyfriend is going to do what needs to be done to put firm boundaries in place with her. Like truly ignoring her if she comes to the door unannounced, truly choosing your plans/wishes/needs above hers, etc. He’s 34 and hasn’t put her in her place by now so I’d be hesitant to think he ever truly will. If you don’t think he will, cut your losses now. If you think he will, then he needs to be really firm with boundaries. Don’t let her in if she comes unannounced. Don’t answer her obsessive amounts of calls. Hang up if she oversteps boundaries on the phone. Ask her to leave if she oversteps boundaries in person. It’s going to be tough.
Trespass
Don’t answer and call the police.
I feel like this isn’t on you to deal with. It’s his mom, he needs to be the one to set the boundary. If he isn’t he should go back home to his mommy.
You could both go inside, lock the doors, and pretend she’s not there. Maybe she will finally get the picture. She seems pretty crazy.
OP you are now your boyfriend’s mom
Make sure you have cameras on your doors. And if she continues to show up, call the police. If she wants to eff around, she can find out. And your BF needs to grow a spine or he can leave as well.
Title should read: my mother dependent boyfriend refuses to set boundaries with his mother.
This is a boyfriend issue.
Speaking from experience, this is not inconsequential.
I too was part of a family that just went along with it. Here’s what I learned. It only gets worse. The frequency of intrusions increases as they get older. Life events – like having kids – creates new and exciting (sarcasm) opportunities for them to be worried about things that “justify” intervening. As one example, my MIL insisted that we call when we got to our hotel room on our honeymoon (“just to know that we were safe”), then insisted on calling Every. Single. Day. of our Honeymoon. Unless that type of life sounds appealing you must establish boundaries now.
Don’t let him give her a key
A kinder, gentler way of dealing with this:
Join an activity together that will allow her to make new friends. Doesn’t matter if it’s a botanical society, a floral society, feed the homeless, etc.
Do it together for a while and then slowly step back.
Do things outside the house for a while so that her trips are fruitless.
“You stopped by? Oh we were having a picnic!”
“You stopped by? Out getting the car detailed.”
Start advising her about times/trips you’ll be taking and activities where you’ll be away.
“Love to see you but Tuesday is the minor league game with my office; Wednesday we have rodeo tickets; Thursday is swing dancing night; Friday we leave for the weekend to see my (folks, college roommate, great aunt, brother, sister, cousin, … )
Have Other commitments:
He needs to stay in the house and put that woman in a communication time out. He needs to tell her to knock it off, not just to stop. “Mom, stop behaving this way. It is unacceptable. There will be consequences if you don’t listen.” then he stops contacting her. She’ll scream, get flying monkeys going, and then there will be a “Health crisis.” For that one, call the hospital direct and ask to speak to her medical team. Explain what’s happening to them (if they exist). If she’s faking, she should have months of no contact.
Let her have a fit on the lawn, bang on the door, whatever.
Get over the feeling of wanting to call the cops. Get a front door camera so you can have a visual and audio record of what happens. If she continues to freak out and cause a disturbance, call the police.
A mama’s boy never makes a good husband/partner. You are basically in a relationship with both. He will never break free from her and she will never let him go. Its exhausting.. the fact he doesnt have his shit together and you do means you became his new mkmmy. Congrats.
You guys have to get this under control ASAP. My mom was the one who did this, and it got so bad that my husband and I almost moved out of state. She would walk into my house uninvited at 6am to see my baby before she went to work (she had a spare key in case of emergencies that we had to take away), would come to my house if she couldn’t get ahold of me, and tried for years to force me and my husband to put tracker apps on our phones so she could check on us (my adult siblings gave in and it’s caused a lot of stupid drama) among other things. It was a nightmare to work through, but luckily she was able to understand eventually and things are much better now. I would recommend sitting her down when things are calm, preferably with her husband there, and explaining things to her in a very logical way. Maybe reach out to his siblings beforehand so they know what’s up when she inevitably blows up their phones after.
Simply don’t answer the door. Let her stand there like a fool every single time.
You’re his Mommy now.
You won’t want to hear this, but this man went from relying on his mother to relying on you. You are the mommy he gets to have sex with. There are just so many red flags in your post. You are going to look back on this moment and know it’s when you should have left.
My advice is to live separately until he can deal with his issues with his mother. Check out the Just No MiL sub for a window in to your future if you stay with this man. We are pretty much hard wired to see our family dynamic as normal. If he’s not actively doing the work now this will only get worse the longer you are together.
Give her back her son… if that’s how it’s gonna be then find someone who will firmly put their mother in check. Or this will always be your life as long as you’re with this MAN….
If you decide to keep him I would go through with calling the cops everytime she shows up and makes a scene
You tell your bf to stand up like an adult and set clear and concise boundaries with his mom, letting her know the consequences for breaking those boundaries (low contact, police, etc). And if he’s not grown enough to do that, maybe you need to rethink if this is the guy you want to be with.
I guess before calling the police you can not answer and not let her in, see what she does. Then call the police if she escalates.
You are just going to have to lay down the law. Call the police. Get a restraining order if you have to.
The gloves need to come off!
Why bother to answer the door? Her calling multiple times before she shows up is her calling card.
“He’s relied heavily on his mom for years but since meeting me, he’s been able to start turning his life around and now he relies on his mom very little.”
Ruh roh. This guy has never stood on his own two feet and you’re just the new crutch. He’s only stopped relying on Mommy because now he’s relying on YOU to take care of all of his needs. You can do better.
Maybe if your boyfriend calls his mom everyday to see how she is and just to say hello she wont need to do this. You want to call the Police??? Why not trying inviting her over once in awhile for coffee or a barbecue. Yoi know a son is a son till he gets him a wife, a daughter’s a daughter all of her life. I feel sorry for your b/f you seem very controlling yourself. Thats his mother have some respect. Some day you might have children then you will see for yourself.
Tell him to move out until he gets his mama under control.
You think she’s the problem but she’s not. Your boyfriend is.
Not your problem. BF’s problem. I have one of these as a MIL and my husband is amazing at being the boundary setter with her. She hates it. Just be wary if you’re BF’s new caretaker and if he isn’t the one driving the boundary. She won’t ever stop.
If he doesn’t put his foot down and stop this; leave the relationship.
I would be very tempted to call the police if it were me!
Your BF HAS to be on board with this course of action though or it’ll end badly.
Sounds like you need to sit down with your bf and go over your plans to deal with her. Obviously if bf is home, it is his job to go out and handle her as he did last time. Kudos to him for doing so. But you also need to decide as a couple what you do if you’re there alone. Perhaps you can agree that you ignore the knocks at the door, and if she continues you call the police. In which case, he needs to let his mom know this is what will happen if she shows up unannounced.
I don’t agree that you have a bf issue at this point, as he is making the effort to set boundaries with mom. But if he can’t get behind dealing with her in a way that is firm, like calling the police if she shows up unannounced and demanding entry.. you will have a bf problem then. Hopefully though you can both get on the same page as far as steps to take, and remain on the same page following through.
You should not have texted her. You should have spoken to your boyfriend and he should be handling this. This is your boyfriend’s job.
You’ve messed up the entire dynamic. Now you are going to be the bad guy isolating her son rather than her son having the issue. While she could have leapt to that conclusion, now you have evidence.
Now your only solution is to open the door naked every time.
Do not get the police involved without your bf’s support…. It’d be better if he called.
I’d personally start with automated sprinklers. If she’d let you know she was coming then you would have made sure to turn them off and she wouldn’t have gotten soaked🤷♀️
Honestly, the best way to deal with her is to absolutely ignore her. Keep the house doors locked. Don’t budge from the sofa if she’s peeking in the windows. Just continue on with your business as if she isn’t even there. She is addicted to attention, positive or negative, so giving her any of either feeds that addiction. You’ll have to prep BF for it. Start off my picking a few days where neither of you answer her texts or calls. Then when the moratorium lifts, answer here as it nothing is wrong. Do not apologize. Don’t start the interactions with “Sorry”. Just state “I was busy, now taking the time to respond. What did/do you need?” This is the paraphrased advice I got from a relationship counselor earlier in life and it helped.