My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. We only meet once in a while, but we love and support each other deeply. I used to really want to bond with his family, especially his mother. I thought she was just overprotective. But over time, her behavior turned toxic and emotionally draining.
She has thrown away the gifts I gave him (multiple times), spoken badly about me and my family which did nothing to her behind my back while pretending to be kind in front of others, and even taught her younger child (7) to send me hateful messages. She’s told my boyfriend that I’m ruining their family.
She once sent this to him:
“A good girlfriend should respect all your family members. She should understand you, encourage you to pursue your study and career, save your money, not disturb and control you every second. She should support and take care of your family members, give unconditional care to each of them. I want someone who can care for your siblings when we are not around, help them grow, support them. That is the eldest brother’s responsibility. We need someone who supports you to look after your younger siblings if they haven’t settled down yet. I will make this clear to her, it’s her role. I won’t accept someone selfish and self-centered. If she is, go away.”
I’ve tried to be kind. I even apologized once for a misunderstanding, hoping to keep the peace. I brought gifts for her younger child despite her hostility and I asked for her permission to celebrate my boyfriend’s birthday at their house. I thought she had changed. But her recent actions like throwing away things again, texting my boyfriend about me with hatred and even comparing education and insulting my career path, have made it clear, she’s not going to change.
She also mentally abuses him, scolding and cursing at him almost everyday if he doesn’t listen to her, breaking down his confidence and making him feel like nothing he does is ever enough. On top of that, she controls his finances by locking access to his bank account, even the one he earned from his own job and constantly tracks his location and questions his every move, even when we are having a date. My boyfriend wants to cut contact in the future once he’s financially independent and he is going to uni soon, but I feel so worn out. His dad doesn’t stand up for him either and his whole family sides with the mother no matter what. Even when my boyfriend confronted them, they blamed me for “ruining” the family dynamic.
I feel like no matter how polite or respectful I am, I’ll always be painted as the villain because I don’t fit her ideal of a self-sacrificing DIL who exists to serve the family.
I’m mentally exhausted. I just want peace. Is it wrong to block her and distance myself until my boyfriend is ready to cut ties completely? I don’t want to cause more conflict, but I also need to protect my mental health.
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How does he handle all of this because ultimately she is his circus and monkey to handle not yours. You say she’s crossing boundaries and she is but the truth is no consequences have been set yet for her crossing them so she’s going to continue on until something causes her—forces her—to stop.
If he isn’t pushing back then you need to reevaluate the relationship. If he is then you should follow his lead. Definitely distancing yourself is the right call for you because she is not providing any value to the relationship between you and her.
“Is it wrong to block her and distance myself until my boyfriend is ready to cut ties completely?”
—You should block and distance yourself from HIM until he does that.