TL;DR my bfs mum asked some discriminatory/racist questions to me which made me feel extremely excluded on a family trip. how to navigate a relationship or marriage with my bf going forward?
I F/25 have known my bf M/27 for 8 months and we became official 4 months ago. I honestly adore this man, he is amazing and i truly believe he will be my husband.
I’ve met his mum about 10 times since january and she’s always been friendly, easy to talk to but a bit reserved/slightly in genuine or emotionally void vibes (can’t quite tell if she likes me or not)
She’s told him before that she likes me and thinks i’m nice but nothing further.
she also has a drinking problem (drinks most nights).
We went on a 2-night trip with his extended family last weekend and it was so good, and he said his family rlly liked me, and i thought his mum did too.
except on the last night she was drunk/slurring her words a bit. She sat next to me (alongside his nan) and asked questions about my culture and whether i have family overseas (i am sri lankan). I said i love my culture and love my family, most live here in australia though and i pretty much grew up here since I was little. then came the following monologue:
bf’s mum: would you ever go back there to live?
me: no dont think i would.
bfs mum: i guess im afraid you’re going to go and take [my son] with you one day, say if you get married or have kids one day you’ll go and take him back to sri lanka with you
me: uh no i’ve never even thought of that.
bfs mum: and do you think you’re a good fit culturally for our family?
me: well yes i grew up here i work here all my friends are multicultural if not australian
bfs mum: keeps looking at me and doesn’t say anything
felt weird here because if she thought i was a good fit i feel she would’ve agreed but she just kept staring at me.
[my boyfriend enters the room]
me: your mum is scared i’m going to take you to sri lanka hahaha (trying to make light of the situation)
bf: yeah id go!! (he thought it was light hearted)
bfs mum: no way, never no way, not happening
bf: why not mum
bfs mum: well I guess I just have doubts you know (slurring her words) i have doubts
me: what are your doubts
bfs mum: well your culture it’s very different is very dominating so you might take him back to your country and all the spiritual stuff. and I guess i have some questions you know?
me: what do you mean by dominating
bf: yeah mum what experiences do you have to make you say that?
bfs mum: continues to slur can’t explain what she means by dominating or what made her say this. she goes well i feel bad even bringing this up infront of her (turns to my bf) maybe we shouldn’t speak about this infront of her maybe we should discuss this.. etc etc
this goes on for a bit back and forth and then my bf goes well she’s the best person i ever met
and she switches and starts saying i’m gorgeous and great etc. but it seems so fake and forced after what she had just said. especially about whether im a good cultural fit for the family (after id literally been getting along with everyone so well the whole weekend, cooking with them, playing board games with them, singing, dinner and chats on the deck etc)
earlier this day, we were sitting on the deck in the morning as a family (my bfs aunty, the mums sister always says im party of the family now btw). she randomly brings up a story infront of everyone saying oh btw i got to say i was telling my friend about you and how my son got a new gf. she asked me what your name was and i went “sri lanka” and my friend was like huh? and i said ohhhh no she’s FROM sri lanka, her name is actually X. this just felt also racist looking back but idk – she was sober here.
anyways since this whole ordeal my boyfriend has had a talk with his mum he was sooooo upset and angry at her, i had the biggest breakdown on the night and the rest of his family supported me and apologised on the mums behalf.
it’s been a couple days no and his mum apologised to him and was remorseful and said she doesn’t remember what she said cos she was drunk but she was naive and feeling a bit insecure lately about losing her son, and it was never about the culture. She hasn’t yet been protective and asked my boyfriend how i am or whether to call me or send me a text apologising.
What is everyone’s thoughts on this? and how to navigate this? If she doesn’t change how to navigate this relationship/ potentially marriage with my bf (considering he is on my team and supports me a lot)?
Comments
This is such a tough situation, and I’m really sorry you had to experience that—especially in what should have been a warm, welcoming family setting. A few thoughts:
Her Apology (or Lack Thereof): The fact that she hasn’t reached out to you directly is telling. Drunk or not, those comments came from somewhere—whether it’s subconscious bias, fear of losing her son, or just ignorance. A real apology would involve her acknowledging the hurt to you, not just your boyfriend. Until that happens, it’s hard to take her remorse seriously.
Your Boyfriend’s Role: It sounds like he handled it well in the moment and afterward, which is a great sign. But long-term, he’ll need to keep setting boundaries. If his mom’s drinking leads to more incidents like this, he may need to address that separately (e.g., “Mom, if you can’t be respectful when drinking, we won’t be around you when you’re drinking”).
Moving Forward: If she does apologize to you sincerely, you could give her a chance to rebuild trust—but stay cautious. If she doesn’t, or if this behavior repeats, you’ll need to decide how much contact you’re comfortable having with her. Some couples limit time with problematic in-laws while maintaining a strong relationship themselves.
The Bigger Picture: The “cultural fit” comment is especially gross because it implies you’re the one who has to assimilate, not them meeting you halfway. If you two get serious/married, this could resurface around weddings, kids, traditions, etc. Make sure you and your boyfriend are aligned on how to handle those conversations before they happen.
It’s great that he’s on your side, but watch how this plays out over time. One outburst can be a drunken mistake; a pattern is a choice. You deserve to feel safe and valued in your relationship—not just by him, but by his family, too…
It’s about what you’re comfortable with. Mother-in-laws can be a challenge, even if you’re the same race as them, they can be so mean and unaccepting and treat you like you’re stealing her son. In my family, my grandmother is like this (not racist, but unaccepting of all women who date/marry her sons). My aunts all deal with it and she’s been pretty hateful at times. She does not think she is wrong and demanded my aunt have another baby ‘whether it kills her or not’. Crazy shit. Your man is on your side, that’s really important. Also she apologised, which my grandmother has never done and will never do. I don’t want to say that’s worse than being racist but, at least she acknowledged she was wrong and took accountability.
What she said was pretty insulting and I would probably categorise her as kind of a racist based on that – ‘dominating’ culture is a rich thing to say about a place with a colonial past. It’s also pretty racist to suggest a non-european culture is somehow more dangerous to her family cohesion. People tend to say what they really think while drunk.
Bottom line: Your comfort matters the most. Talk to him about your concerns and work through it together.