I am unsure if this is the right community for this but I would appreciate any advice. I (26F) hung out with my husband’s (26M) family over the weekend. My husband was not there as he attended another friend’s party (this group is more his friends than mine which is why I opted to hang out with his family instead). We all drank & had a great time. I stopped drinking earlier in the night as I wanted to drive home at night but mostly everyone else was spending the night – John (BIL 34M) who owned the house & my other BIL (Matt 30M) & his wife (Ana 29F) were spending the night in a spare room. At some point during the night (around 1am), John was pretty drunk & tripped over himself & fell. Me & Matt decided it was time to end the night & we both helped John to bed. Ana had already just left to the spare room to prepare for bed so it was just me, Matt & John at the time. We sat John on the edge of his bed & Matt went to use the master bathroom (in John’s bedroom so he overheard everything that was about to happen). I tried to make sure John was in a comfortable sleeping position before I left & he started telling me that he had a fun night & he was glad I decided to come over – he was saying how much of a great wife I am to my husband (his brother) & how lucky he is to have me. I thanked him (as he has said these things in the past – drunk & sober) so I did not think anything of it. He then told me he loved me (which felt awkward as he has not never said that to me) & I told him I loved THEM (as in their family) too, that I appreciated how open the family was when I first started dating my husband & how I feel like part of the family now. He got upset & said “NO, I love you – you’re amazing, you’re funny, you take care of everyone etc.” I don’t remember everything he said as I was really taken aback. I tried to de escalate the situation by telling him I understand he was very drunk & doesn’t mean what he is saying & he leaned in to try & kiss me. I took a couple steps back & told him I had to go home & I ran out of the room crying. My other BIL (Matt, who heard the whole conversation as he was in the bathroom like 15 feet away) came downstairs while I was gathering my things & apologized on other BIL’s behalf & asked me to not say anything to my husband. I was crying, shaken up & upset that he’d even ask me to not say anything to my husband. Our marriage is centered around trust & I would have to tell him. He told me if I said anything, I would cause a lot of family drama & it’s better that I don’t. I walked past him clearly angry & left for home. My husband did not arrive home until about an hour after I did & asked me how my night was. He was still a little drunk (he got a ride home with a sober friend) & I did not was to unload right then & there. It has been a couple days since then & I keep hearing Matt in my head telling me I am going to cause family drama if I say anything & I really don’t want to do that. John & my husband have not always had the best relationship growing up & I would really hate to unpack that all again. I know John was very drunk when he said & did was he said & did but that does not excuse the fact that he crossed a HUGE line. I feel so conflicted but I don’t want John to tell my husband & then I’ll look like I’ve keep keeping it from my husband. If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.
Sorry for any grammar or wording mistakes – this is my first time posting on reddit for advice.
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Holy shit tell him right now!
The longer you don’t tell him, the bigger the betrayal
Tell him yesterday.
Tell your husband immediately, don’t wait one more second, tell him everything.
From title alone, husband takes precedence over anyone else, you tell eachother stuff straight away and before you tell others. That’s how you build a strong marriage, strong communication. You dont let others get between you.
Tell your husband – flat out. Matt is wrong and is choosing his convenience over your relationship and well-being.
Never be alone with John ever again. Do not accept a ride from him anywhere. Do not be alone in a house or even just a room with him.
Even if others are around, if he’s drinking – you need to leave ASAP.
You need to tell him, or someone else will, eventually, and then it will be extra-spicy-awkward.
This is a Kobayashi Maru. If you do tell your husband he’ll be pissed that you’re trying to destroy his relationship with his brother. If you don’t tell your husband you’re betraying his trust and keeping secrets from him.
You need to tell him. It will likely come out eventually, and you choosing to have hidden it from your husband will seem like a huge red flag to him.
His brother made a move, and another one told her to stay quiet. Nothing screams ‘family’ like loyalty blackmail.
Tell your husband. Not out of vengeance, but because your loyalty is to the relationship he believes he’s in… and you deserve to stay honest in it.
Do not keep secrets from your husband. Tell him IMMEDIATELY
This is not a burden you should have to share alone. Tell your husband.
UpdateMe!
Tell him right now otherwise it looks like you’re hiding something
Don’t conspire against your husband – John is a big boy, he should feel the consequences of his actions. Matt is an enabling asshole that I would view very differently after this.
Tell your husband all of it, including Matt’s part. This family is clearly broken, if one brother is bold enough to tell you he loves you, and the other is bold enough to tell you to keep quiet.
You have to tell your husband.
If he blames you for his brother’s behavior then that means your marriage was already doomed. Better to know that sooner rather than later.
Why is this even a question
Tell your husband!
Tell him and give him context that bil was wasted and All then he chooses how to move forward with his brother
You tell your husband. How pissed do you think he will be when he finds out, and then how will he react to you hiding it from him???
UpdateMe
Tell your husband! Don’t keep a family secret with his brothers — that’s a CYA response on their part.
>>Matt in my head telling me I am going to cause family drama
Tbis is bullshit! Your husband’s brother has already caused family drama; it’s just that Matt just wants you to swallow it and not tell your husband to keep things so fresh and so clean on their end.
You have to tell him. Any consequences will not be your fault.
Tell your husband
Tell your husband
You telling your husband won’t be the cause of disruption of peace. If they were concerned about keeping the peace, he’d have kept his mouth shut in the first place. Send your husband your post if youre not sure how to tell him everything.
You should tell you husband.
This is not something to keep secret. Tell your husband now!
If you don’t tell him you can consider your marriage over once he finds out…. and he WILL find out
Do not keep secrets from your husband. You’re loyalty is to him. That is the relationship you’re committed to. He is the man you’re building a future with. He deserves to know. Think if the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want to know? If this BIL is married to your sister, she also needs to know. Your other brother-in-law who said you should to keep secret to keep the peace, is wrong and is enabling toxic behavior. Do not listen to him!