My biological father passed away… and I’m mourning differently than I thought.

r/

Hi friends, I wrote in last week asking if I would be the a-hole if I skipped out on my bio dad’s funeral. I had a few replies and I’m thankful for them. I was able to get insight from 2 sides and gave me time to think. I’m here to say my biological father passed away a couple of days ago and honestly… I felt so relieved. Like “I’m still standing” by Elton John relieved. We had some happy times, but we also had more sad and angry times.

In my last post, I mentioned I had cut contact with him and my mom. The last I had been with them was back in November. When my mom called me to tell me they would take him off life support, it brought back all the angry emotions again. The only thing I could feel was “this narcissist would die before my finals” and part of me felt like I should feel bad for thinking that, but I couldn’t.

I had time to think about attending the funeral and it made me anxious to be surrounded in a room full of people that didn’t like me. I found out later he opted for a cremation and would have just a small ceremony with his immediate family. So there I was, with my siblings by mine and also my mom’s side. Although I don’t agree with what she did, I can’t make my siblings not sympathize with her and I could never make them pick sides. Luckily my siblings are great and could be there for both of us in the ways we needed.

When we arrived to the funeral home, I was there with my partner and our toddler and as we were going into the room, my bio-dads narcissistic sister tried to kick my partner out of the viewing saying “it’s immediate family only” meanwhile my partner showed up and most of my bio-dad nieces and nephews couldn’t even care to show up. One of them didn’t even bring her family, she just went by herself and looked bothered the entire time. Meanwhile, even in mine and my biological father’s worst times, my partner was always given praises by my biological father for being the father he couldn’t be. Eventually, my mother told her something and he was “allowed” back in.

Speaking of my “aunts” narcissism, this stupid bitch has been literally THE WORST. She took complete control over all the funeral planning. My mom barely had a hand in what happened. In the obituary, she mentions his children, step-children, and his grandkids. Great, normal things people add to an obituary. And… a whole paragraph for his nieces, nephews, AND their kids? And like I mentioned… ALMOST NONE OF THEM WENT! And to put the fucking cherry on top, she misspelled mine AND my child’s name. ONLY ours. And during the viewing, she had the man running the service speak some words on her behalf and in the speech she just HAD to throw in “and like I was, I was your favorite sister” meanwhile their youngest sister has to be there hearing that in front of her family. How fucked is that?

The viewing eventually ended and all I could think was “see ya suckaaaaaaas” I’m honestly so fucking relieved I don’t have to be around that family anymore. But… it opened something in me that felt like deep sadness. Not because he’s dead… but because I hurt for the child that wanted him to really love her. It hurt so much to have my reality ripped from me when they told me he was my biological father. I grew shame knowing I was not wanted by my “father” from the get go. I had pretty severe mood disorders because of it as a young teenager. I remember all the feelings of shame and complete embarrassment just KNOWING he was my biological father. And to make things worse… I had to hide it from my younger siblings for a long time. Living a life like that felt so hard… and going through other familial abuse sent me in a whirlwind that changed me forever. I used to such a sweet, gentle, and nice child. Everything I went through turned me harsh and calloused. With the birth of my child, I look at them and they look exactly like I did as a baby. It’s bittersweet, I see me as a baby and I just want to protect her from everything in the world.

I had so many feeling and emotions running last night. As much as I grew to hate him this much… I mourn for the child that wondered why she wasn’t enough. I hate everything I had to go through and I wouldn’t wish that type of pain on anyone. I spent some time with my mom as it was also my youngest sisters birthday this past week and I got to talk to her about everything I’ve been thinking about since I last saw her. She mostly listened and tried to make excuses for some things, but for the most part she was starting to listen to me. I don’t know how soon I’ll really allow her back into my life and I told her that. She understands and respects what I feel and knows she also needs time to find a new job and get her house in order.

She told me about the last couple of weeks and she told me my “older sisters” and their kids came down. She told me the kids kept asking for me which broke my heart, but I couldn’t bare to see them while their mothers were there. I have so much hurt and anger towards my “sisters”. When they took my biological father off life support, my mom said he was out of it most of the day but the only thing he kept saying was my name. He kept crying for me while his other daughters that traveled a 13 hour drive just to be there for him. My mom said they looked upset about it but didn’t say anything. It hurts to hear that, but it hurts more knowing he willing did so many things to hurt me and my mother. I’m still unsure of what I feel now, but the best way I can describe it is Fleetwood Mac’s “silver springs”. I tried so long to love him as a father, but he never gave me a reason to. He just gave me more reasons to despise him. I have more chances than a child should be giving their parent. And ultimately my daughter was starting to pay the price and I couldn’t allow that. I know my mom kept showing him my social media accounts because I kept getting notifications from her. The only thing running through my head is “I’ll follow you down till the sound of my voice will haunt you.” And my mom told me that he said losing me was his biggest regret. But honestly… I don’t believe it. I don’t believe that’s what love is. I look at my child and I can’t ever imagine making them think THATS what love is.

I feel confused and still have so much anger, but everything has passed and I feel more hopeful than sorrow. I know it’s a long post but I had to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading if you did.

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    Backup of the post’s body: Hi friends, I wrote in last week asking if I would be the a-hole if I skipped out on my bio dad’s funeral. I had a few replies and I’m thankful for them. I was able to get insight from 2 sides and gave me time to think. I’m here to say my biological father passed away a couple of days ago and honestly… I felt so relieved. Like “I’m still standing” by Elton John relieved. We had some happy times, but we also had more sad and angry times.

    In my last post, I mentioned I had cut contact with him and my mom. The last I had been with them was back in November. When my mom called me to tell me they would take him off life support, it brought back all the angry emotions again. The only thing I could feel was “this narcissist would die before my finals” and part of me felt like I should feel bad for thinking that, but I couldn’t.

    I had time to think about attending the funeral and it made me anxious to be surrounded in a room full of people that didn’t like me. I found out later he opted for a cremation and would have just a small ceremony with his immediate family. So there I was, with my siblings by mine and also my mom’s side. Although I don’t agree with what she did, I can’t make my siblings not sympathize with her and I could never make them pick sides. Luckily my siblings are great and could be there for both of us in the ways we needed.

    When we arrived to the funeral home, I was there with my partner and our toddler and as we were going into the room, my bio-dads narcissistic sister tried to kick my partner out of the viewing saying “it’s immediate family only” meanwhile my partner showed up and most of my bio-dad nieces and nephews couldn’t even care to show up. One of them didn’t even bring her family, she just went by herself and looked bothered the entire time. Meanwhile, even in mine and my biological father’s worst times, my partner was always given praises by my biological father for being the father he couldn’t be. Eventually, my mother told her something and he was “allowed” back in.

    Speaking of my “aunts” narcissism, this stupid bitch has been literally THE WORST. She took complete control over all the funeral planning. My mom barely had a hand in what happened. In the obituary, she mentions his children, step-children, and his grandkids. Great, normal things people add to an obituary. And… a whole paragraph for his nieces, nephews, AND their kids? And like I mentioned… ALMOST NONE OF THEM WENT! And to put the fucking cherry on top, she misspelled mine AND my child’s name. ONLY ours. And during the viewing, she had the man running the service speak some words on her behalf and in the speech she just HAD to throw in “and like I was, I was your favorite sister” meanwhile their youngest sister has to be there hearing that in front of her family. How fucked is that?

    The viewing eventually ended and all I could think was “see ya suckaaaaaaas” I’m honestly so fucking relieved I don’t have to be around that family anymore. But… it opened something in me that felt like deep sadness. Not because he’s dead… but because I hurt for the child that wanted him to really love her. It hurt so much to have my reality ripped from me when they told me he was my biological father. I grew shame knowing I was not wanted by my “father” from the get go. I had pretty severe mood disorders because of it as a young teenager. I remember all the feelings of shame and complete embarrassment just KNOWING he was my biological father. And to make things worse… I had to hide it from my younger siblings for a long time. Living a life like that felt so hard… and going through other familial abuse sent me in a whirlwind that changed me forever. I used to such a sweet, gentle, and nice child. Everything I went through turned me harsh and calloused. With the birth of my child, I look at them and they look exactly like I did as a baby. It’s bittersweet, I see me as a baby and I just want to protect her from everything in the world.

    I had so many feeling and emotions running last night. As much as I grew to hate him this much… I mourn for the child that wondered why she wasn’t enough. I hate everything I had to go through and I wouldn’t wish that type of pain on anyone. I spent some time with my mom as it was also my youngest sisters birthday this past week and I got to talk to her about everything I’ve been thinking about since I last saw her. She mostly listened and tried to make excuses for some things, but for the most part she was starting to listen to me. I don’t know how soon I’ll really allow her back into my life and I told her that. She understands and respects what I feel and knows she also needs time to find a new job and get her house in order.

    She told me about the last couple of weeks and she told me my “older sisters” and their kids came down. She told me the kids kept asking for me which broke my heart, but I couldn’t bare to see them while their mothers were there. I have so much hurt and anger towards my “sisters”. When they took my biological father off life support, my mom said he was out of it most of the day but the only thing he kept saying was my name. He kept crying for me while his other daughters that traveled a 13 hour drive just to be there for him. My mom said they looked upset about it but didn’t say anything. It hurts to hear that, but it hurts more knowing he willing did so many things to hurt me and my mother. I’m still unsure of what I feel now, but the best way I can describe it is Fleetwood Mac’s “silver springs”. I tried so long to love him as a father, but he never gave me a reason to. He just gave me more reasons to despise him. I have more chances than a child should be giving their parent. And ultimately my daughter was starting to pay the price and I couldn’t allow that. I know my mom kept showing him my social media accounts because I kept getting notifications from her. The only thing running through my head is “I’ll follow you down till the sound of my voice will haunt you.” And my mom told me that he said losing me was his biggest regret. But honestly… I don’t believe it. I don’t believe that’s what love is. I look at my child and I can’t ever imagine making them think THATS what love is.

    I feel confused and still have so much anger, but everything has passed and I feel more hopeful than sorrow. I know it’s a long post but I had to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading if you did.

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