I’m a 31F in a male-dominated field. I lead a small dev team and have been told multiple times that I’m “too serious” at work. I thought that was just vague feedback until last week when my boss (45M) literally said during a performance check-in, “You’re doing great technically, but try smiling more. It makes people more comfortable.”
I laughed because I thought it was a joke. He didn’t laugh back. He was dead serious.
I asked if any of my actual work was an issue. He said no. “It’s just your vibe sometimes.”
I’m so freaking mad. I didn’t work my ass off for over a decade to have my face discussed in a professional setting. But I also feel like I can’t bring this to HR because they’re all buddy-buddy and I’d be labeled “difficult.”
Also, one of my male coworkers literally yells in meetings and no one has ever told him to smile. I do my job well. Why does my face have to be part of it?
I’ve been internalizing this for a week and now I feel self-conscious every time I speak up. Should I say something or let it go?
Comments
Time for a shark grin. That’s what I did when we were told to smile at work.
start saying back to your boss
This will NOT help, but now I have this fantasy that next time that guy yells in a meeting you pipe in (in front of your boss) and and say “you know I just got this great advice and I really think you’d make your point better if you smiled more”.
Honestly I’m 53 and have been in male dominated fields for decades and you just kind of have to mostly put up with this crap, except for when you selectively decide not to but you know going in that wont go well. Because any man who exists in 2025 has had ample opportunity to learn that this is sexist and women hate it and this dude has failed to learn by choice. And if you have a vibe about HR, it’s probably for good reason.
Unpopular opinion: first, I agree with you that the guy who yells is a much bigger problem. That being said, appearing to be unapproachable or whatever will be a problem wherever you go. Don’t suddenly become a grinning idiot or a sunshine-y person but try to take the edge off your “too serious” face. Doesn’t have to be extreme, just sometimes smile when someone says something or make a point of shaking off the frown before you enter a meeting.
Is your workplace culture serious and professional or is everyone all smiles and laughs? It’s hard to know from your post whether boss is being weird or just saying that you are off putting and not fitting in.
Aside from the possibility of a sexist undertone in his message, isn’t this just part of leading people? If you’re serious all the time, the overall vibe can get weird, and people will complain about that to their superiors.
Don’t know how he could have phrased that in a way that wouldn’t sound like the classic male-dominance-in-a-work-setting, as communication is often iffy.
Dev here. That’s totally unprofessional feedback and it’s pretty clear you’re working in a really toxic workplace. I have no advice. I wouldn’t know what to do either because I’m always scared of being perceived as a bitch too. I try to say everything nicely so even when I’m telling someone their design is bad I phrase it like “this may not be the most efficient way we could go about this”. Because if I’m really critical and direct (like I would be unmasked) I’m treated in a really unfriendly way, as if I’m just making life hard for someone and dismissed regardless. I can’t win. And I’m given contradictory feedback. “Be more involved” but block my involvement. “Be more opinionated” but ignore my ideas or take my ideas and claim them. “Be more client facing” but when I’m client facing I’m too honest so I don’t play games and insist on accurate retelling of history so I’m withdrawn from that and hidden away a coder. Which I don’t hate, it’s worse having a showdown with a really mean room of clients.
I’m planning to find meetups for technical women in my area. Network and get ideas for handling these difficult situations. Because it’s not really men versus women. It’s more like goodies versus baddies.
But I really hate that he said that to you, that it affected you and it’s made you self conscious over what is just trash feedback. It sounds like he just had nothing truly negative to say so he commented on your appearance. You’re not hired for smiling, what a fucking idiot he is.
Someone once commented in a similar weird boss move thread.
“That’s not actionable feedback for me at this time”.
Changing resting work face is a weird request and definitely unfairly applied to women.
As a joke. I’d get a smiling, framed, photo. Of any random woman or yourself.
And just periodically point at it after planting it down facing the attendees at the start of any future briefings.
When things take a serious turn in conversation walk over and put the photo face down on the table. You know. So everyone can more easily track your emotional state. Really helps the vibe of the room for them to not have to think about that or actually try to interpret your real expressions. 🙄
Does he ever ask men to smile more?
Fuck. It’s deja vu. I took it to heart and it was never enough. Stupid stupid comment to tell anyone. “smile more’. BE YOU! Plus, vibe and facial expressions are two different things. I wonder why people have such a hard time accepting that we’re all very different and learn to work/play with those who are different.