my boyfriend and i got together a year ago, broke up and got back together a month ago. we talked about boundaries and all those other things this and that. our relationship has been good but a little rocky this past week. for a little bit more information back then our relationship wasn’t good at all it was a lot. we would argue alot, the trust wasn’t there and just a whole lot of other stuff.
i would ask him to see his phone or look through it never alot. when we’re together he always brings his phone with him to the bathroom, when he has to go upstairs etc. but i don’t really care bc i never see anything i don’t really like , he doesn’t have anything that i have to worry about and he always lets me look through his phone. but the thing is id always ask. always. i’ve only went through his phone while he’s asleep just once but that’s it. he is ALWAYS looking through my phone while i’m asleep never when im awake. i always tell him he can simply ask and he says he doesn’t wanna look through it but does this and it’s very infuriating. he finds a problem out of everything. the time we were broken up he would always bring up the guys i used to talk to, he would search them up, screenshot their page, screenshot comments i would leave, screenshot the stuff id @ someone in, all of that stuff, all old stuff. he still thinks i talk to these dudes and it’s annoying.
i’m not gonna remember comments i left months or a year ago like. and it’s annoying bc everytime i ask him does he look through my phone while im sleeping he lies everytime which makes me more upset bc you can literally just tell me. he can tell me if he looks through it im not hiding anything but he always finds a problem with something. on my other pages i was venting about a problem in our relationship and he screenshotted it and the comments that were left and i feel some type of way bc this is what i use to vent. sometimes i feel like i can’t vent to him and i rather not tell our business to people that i actually know. no offense but you people are strangers i have no bond with the people i have on here. it’s my way of venting and trying to hear others POV.
he would look through everything. my notes, instagram, tiktok, etc. if i was to vent to one of my friends he’d be upset but if i vent on here he’s upset about that too. it’s annoying very annoying bc i feel like everything or anything on my phone will make him upset. i block everyone who he wants. i don’t talk to these dudes anymore but he still finds a way to bring them up. the main reason why im upset is bc he can just ask to see my phone while im awake. he can talk to me if something is wrong and i feel like he just won’t and it hurts bc i value communication heavy in our relationship. i love him and we talk about a future a lot. i want him to be honest and open with me i want him to stop looking through my phone while im asleep every time he’s at my house he does it. he did it last year when we were together idk what he wants . i feel like he’s looking for something that’s not there.
i changed the password on my phone bc i honestly can’t do it anymore but i feel like imma have to change it back or he’s gonna think im hiding something so i don’t know.
i don’t want to break up with him. i just want him to stop doing this. i just wish he’d talk to me instead of doing this. what should i honestly do?
TL;DR my boyfriend (20M) keeps looking through my phone while im asleep (18F)
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hmm have you asked him why he does it? Maybe start with a (gentle) confrontation?
Tell him to go to therapy?
I know you don’t want to break up with him, but you need to break up with him. This is an extremely unhealthy level of distrust and it won’t improve. Also the lack of anything big will just make him continue to focus on very small things, or look harder. You have to cut it now.
The issue is- you both are doing this to each other. If you both agree to stop looking through each other’s phones, then that could work. If only one of you gets to do it, it will stay just as messy as it is right now. And it does sound quite toxic.
Time to have an open and proper chat about it I think. He’s showing signs of insecurity, and that’s totally fine. From past experiences I can say that constantly going through someone’s phone without any suspicion is toxic, and that goes both ways. Something must be eating at him and for whatever reason he finds his best reassurance is to go looking through your phone when you’re not aware instead of speaking to you. It’s not healthy for a relationship, and you’re right changing the passcode will probably do more harm than good. You need to reassure him, and remind him that you’re with him for a reason. Trust is so so important in a relationship and you need to remind him of that