hello. idk if this is the right place to post this lol. my boyfriend and i have been dating for 4 years. having kids is a topic we have kind of avoided/put aside bc we both have different views. for context, i had a very troubled childhood and i am not close with my parents nor siblings. i remember being 10 years old and knowing i did not want kids. my mind really hasn’t changed since then either. when i met my bf, we didn’t really anticipate being together for this long if that makes sense. we are both each other’s first everything and at the time we just didn’t know that this was a topic we should’ve discussed. even then, i would always say i don’t want kids and he would say he wants kids. i guess we just both thought the other would change their mind. and ngl, for the longest time i thought i would have to make the sacrifice and just have kids. but over the years im realizing that just would make my life hell. i know my boyfriend would be a great father and he is one of those people that is just meant to be a dad yk? but even then, i just do not have any desire to be a mother. i want to WANT to have kids but i just don’t have that desire. it sounds like hell to me.
also, i know for certain i do not want any biological kids. no question about it. if i was ever to change my mind in the future about kids i would foster first then adopt. but my boyfriend only wants biological kids. part of me wishes that i am just infertile so this whole issue goes away. i love my boyfriend so so so much and i cannot imagine being with anyone else. i don’t know what to do i don’t wanna leave him, especially since we are so young.
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All you can do is talk about it.
People change their minds, you might, he might, you both might.
if you were infertile, he’d probably dump you 🤷🏾♀️
don’t waste each other’s time or deprive each other of your life goals. you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t want kids, and bf deserves to be with someone who wants them.
Fostering children is so much harder than having your own children and also not every woman wants kids and don’t feel maternal until it happens. Maybe get some therapy for yourself to help you deal with stuff from your childhood and see how you feel then, it’s ok not to want children too if that’s what you really want too
Please never have kids that you do not want just to make someone else happy. Kids deserve better than that. It hurts but you really need to let him go. This is an incompatibility that is a relationship killer.
Break up now. It won’t get easier. You guys each want something that means the other can’t have what they want. There is no compromise here.
Dating is practice for future relationships. You both learned something about yourselves and something important in future partners.
Kids isn’t really something you can compromise and honestly you’re both just stringing the other along in the hopes someone changes their mind.
You can love someone deeply and not be compatible. And unfortunately, kids is one of those issues where you either have to be on the same page or split.
Because there is no compromise. And one of you is always going to resent the other.
Adopting and fostering also comes with challenges and traumas that biological kids don’t – would you be ready for that? Because those kids aren’t just replaceable options. They require and deserve just as much if not more attention than biological kids.
You gotta discuss it. Unfortunately it might not work out.
I know a couple through a friend of mine that started out like yourselves and 10 years on they’re still together but it is increasingly becoming a struggle. They try to avoid the topic as much as possible but as people around them are settling down it’s getting harder and harder to ignore the elephant in the room. It has gotten to a point where they go through months long rough patches and both have admitted they know they have to break up but both are scared what life would look like without each other.
I’m not saying that is your future for sure if you stay together, but having kids is also not an issue that people can compromise on. If one of you gives in there’s a huge chance that person will grow to resent the other. Not to mention if you do end up having a kid without actually wanting it, that is likely going to affect that kid’s own mental health and your relationship with them.
All you can do is have discussions with your bf for now and see if you’re still willing to stay knowing that long term this will only work if one of you changes their mind
Kids should never be a compromise. He’ll find someone in the future who wants kids as much as he does and you’ll find someone who is completely okay with not having them.
So, if you all stay together eventually one of you is going to resent the other. You have kids for him, hopefully you would
Love them, but you’ll resent him and them. You don’t have kids, he might be able to accept it, but more likely he will end up resenting you. You stay together and just become miserable. You break up now, he finds someone more in line with his needs and you do the same. You’ll both miss each other, but you’ll move on and live the lives that you want.
Growing up I knew this family, Maureen is the mother and they had 5 children. Dave the dad always wanted a big family. Maureen broke and Dave bent her to his will and she gave him children, fed them, bathed them, all of the necessary things to keep them alive. What she did not give was her love as a mother. She couldn’t stand her kids or ANY kids for that matter and she was a miserable resentful ahem person that couldn’t let her man go and so her children grew up with NO love from their mother. They were not well balanced. They were quiet, withdrawn, shadows of the people that they could have been. Maureen never should have had children and Dave never should have made her. Maureen is I am sure a miserable ahem person.
You both have 1 life, let him go and have kids, and you don’t have them. Be happy that you had 4 years together and move on.
This unfortunately is a dealbreaker issue though. You’re both on polar opposite sides of the having kids issue, and one of you will have to concede and will end up resenting the other. This is a lose-lose situation, but you’re better off ending things now and both finding people more aligned with what you want in life.
You’re 22. The odds of you two ending up together long term is pretty low as people tend to grow and change a lot in their 20’s. So I’d recommend you kick this can down the road about 3 years and just have fun.
You’ve told him where you stand. If he wants to go find an incubator for his children, he can leave and find someone who wants the same thing.
Just because you have a uterus doesn’t mean you have to use it.
If the topic is coming up a lot and he’s pressuring you then end it. But if not? Have fun and use good protection.
This has to be a serious conversation with him where you’re honest and open. If you really don’t want kids and don’t see that changing, you need to tell him plainly and clearly.
I want to note that it’s entirely possible that he might say he’s okay with never having kids – but he may grow to have regret or may even become resentful towards you or the relationship because of the regret. It happens. Keep this in mind – would you be able to take that on? Would that be fair for him to feel? You’re both so young and “wants” can change, he can make a decision now or say something he might regret later.
You may even change your mind. At your age I absolutely did not want kids, I felt that way my whole life – for very very similar reasons to yours. My family is messed up (oh the absolute horrors I could share) and I’m only close with my mom, I don’t even speak to anyone else. I thought I’d completely made my mind up and absolutely nothing could change it. Fast forward 7 years – now I do want a kid. Just one tho. Things change. People change.
However, consider the very real possibility that neither of you could change your mind. That could lead to an extremely rocky road ahead for you two. This is a huge thing, and it’s not like compromising between 1 kid vs 2. Only one person gets what they want, and having a kid or not having kids holds a LOT of value for people. Either someone will have to compromise, or you’ll both have to go your separate ways.
Break up. I know it’s hard to hear but this isn’t something you can compromise on. Neither of you is wrong for what you want but it’s clear your desires for your future do not align. Love isn’t always enough to sustain a relationship. You shouldn’t have to have kids if you don’t want them and he shouldn’t have to give up on having them if he does. If either of you give in to save the relationship, you’ll just end up resenting the other.
It will likely be hard to pull the trigger on this but it’s for the best. You both deserve to be with someone who wants what you want. It’s sad it’s not with each other but that happens sometimes. Not every relationship is meant to be forever and that’s okay.
Instantly youre incompatible and shouldn’t pursue the relationship any further
it’s just not gonna work out. i also don’t want kids and have made mistakes dating ppl who do. it just means one of u end up compromising and hating ur life
I was in your same situation with my ex. He was my best friend for years, and we dated. Eventually, he broke up with me (ultimately he was dealing with commitment issues), and I was devastated. I called into work that night because I was literally throwing up from crying. But now… I’m so much happier. I was considering resigning myself to having a child because I didn’t want to take the dream of being a father away from him.
Fast forward to now: he is married to another woman who he is very happy with, and they have an adorable little boy together, and he’s a wonderful father. I’m now happily childfree with my fiancée, who was more than excited and willing to help escort me to my sterilization surgery and was very attentive throughout the recovery.
I still keep in touch with my ex occasionally. We never really stopped being friends so much as life just kind of took us in different directions, so we don’t talk nearly as often as we used to. I don’t regret the relationship, as it taught me that I’m happier with someone I don’t feel I have to make that sacrifice for, and also that kids are FAR too important of a subject to have conflicting opinions on. That is a whole human. No child should come into this world being regretted or just not wanted.
Sometimes relationships end. And even if it hurts now, you’ll recognize the beauty of a journey’s end. And realize that some things aren’t compromiseable. Grieve what you had, but it’s better than grieving a future you never wanted.