I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend (23M) for about 1 1/2 years. We have been long distance for most of our relationship since we started dating towards the end of college and moved to different states afterwards. I have always felt like he’s been a little insecure in the relationship – getting upset when I go out with friends or if I don’t make enough time to talk one day. I have bent over backwards to make this relationship work even though long distance is brutal, but I feel like he doesn’t always see that. We also have no end date in sight for our relationship right now since he is in the army and I just started a new job.
Long story short – my coworker (who is also my friend) invited me and my sister to his lake house this weekend with some friends. Me and my sister haven’t made many friends since moving to a new city, but this coworker has introduced us to his friends and tried to include us as best as he can which we really appreciate. I have never given my partner a reason not to trust me, but no matter what I feel like I get questioned about this coworker constantly just because he is a male and my bf doesn’t trust him. Finally, I have been given the ultimatum. Either I choose not to go to the lake house this weekend (meaning my sister isn’t gonna go if I don’t) or we break up.
I really do love him and I know he loves me too, but I’m torn over what to do.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Break up. Go on the trip. You don’t deserve to be controlled and treated like this just because he’s insecure.
He is telling you point blank that he is more willing to end the relationship than he is willing to let you be independent and make friends. Does that sound like real love to you?
With long distance and having someone try to control your interactions, I’d say just go on the trip. Life is too short.
To be fair, vacationing with an opposite sex coworker is probably a boundary for a lot of people and it sounds like it’s a boundary for him. It is what it is. Only you can decide what you want to do here.
Fyi … cheating in the military is rampant soooo … Just go in your trip, Id bet his insecurity stems more from a guilty conscience being projected to you.
i am a very insecure person and i have a long distance boyfriend, one who has a girl as one of his best friends…i trust that girl, love her, and made an effort to get to know her. my insecurities are no one else’s problems but my own. your boyfriend is childish, dump him
Let the break up happen.
You’re unhappy here. You’re struggling to keep up to the relationship dynamics. Long distances are brutal to deal with. They’re a fraction of the experience that you could be receiving.
On paper, ideally a couple is accessible in each-others lives, able to develop social lives together.
If he was local to you… You, your sister, and him, all could go. Have a good time. Meet some people. Bond with your sister. Bond with your friends. Listen to music. Have drinks around a campfire. Roast mellows. Laugh. Play some drinking games. Maybe go on a boat or swimming in the lake. Creating a social cohort with your BF.
Its a good time.
But with your BF… Immediately on the assumption “Women hanging out with other guys?! Impossible. Everyone must be fk’ing” As if hanging out in any setting that includes men automictically means cheating.
The above is my wife’s and I social life. Its awesome. Multiple large groups. Mix of men and women. Some are long term partners. Some are single. Doesn’t matter. Sometimes I can’t make it. Sometimes she can’t make it. But everyone is friends and no one is insecure about it.
Its just hanging out with people and means nothing…
Find someone who will enable you to live your best life. Not one who shuts it down. Also find someone who fits into your social lifestyle. Someone who can actually participate and fit into it. Mind you, likely require someone local to you in order to have that. Hell of a lot better experience when you are with someone whose down to party instead of crapping on the parade.
I’d go.
Let the break up happen.
Go on the trip. His ultimatum, not yours. His choice to end it because you have a life.
It seems like there are a lot of insecure military men. His insecurities shouldn’t be your problem to control instantly deal with.
Don’t commit to this insecure AH. Long distance relationships a very difficult for one and when one person is insecure, it’s even worse. You’re only 23. You’ll find a better man who is local. Also military life is hard even when there’s a strong foundation.
go on the trip with your sister.
you don’t need some insecure weenie trying to control your life, what an absolute dickwad this guy is. you deserve an actual man, not a petulant little boy trying to treat you like his property instead of respecting you as the person, the human being you are.
He’s insecure and controlling, and the control never stops.
It only leads to more control.
You should move on, and he’ll try to frame it as “You want to hang out with other guys more than you want to be with him”.
However, that’s not what this is about. It’s about you not wanting to be controlled and worrying about everything you do because your partner is insecure.
You can’t “logic” someone into being more reasonable about this. They have to realize they have an issue, and work towards fixing it, and unlike movies and tv, love doesn’t fix everything.
Maybe he’ll get better one day, but that might not be until after he loses a few gf’s, and a couple of years down the road. As long as you stay and let him use the “Do what I say or I’ll leave” card, he’s not going to change.
I can’t even imagine giving up years of my twenties for a long distance relationship, especially with someone who has trust issues. I would break up with them. Other fish in the sea.
Not only for this, but LDR with no end in sight? No way! You are wasting your 20s and missing out on life experiences.
Learn to be loyal. Or stay single, easy.
Break up. You have so many reasons:
DTMFA.
So he doesn’t want you to have a life because he’s not around? Girl you’re 23, have fun.
Hah. Well looks like you’re gonna have a blast at the lake making friends and cutting off your toxic ex boyfriend… right?
Let me tell you, you dont know how good love can be until you date a SECURE man. Its the best and you’ll never know how u tolerated other guys before.
You should not have to constantly “bend over backwards” for a healthy relationship.
Break up.
You’ve been bending over backwards long enough to ease his insecurities. This is not healthy in any relationship. Not to mention nothing good comes from an ultimatum. You’ll end up giving him more power over you and resenting him from holding you back.
Dating for a year and a half long distance, and you’re letting this guy you rarely see; dictate your weekends?
You’re 23. Move on, if he loved you he’d be closer to you.
It would be one thing if you had previously cheated or even been inappropriate with this coworker, but if neither is true and you have given him no reason to distrust you, then this doesn’t seem reasonable. My guess is either your bf is projecting, meaning he’s the one having inappropriate relationships, or his overly controlling. In either case it’s not good, and likely to get worse over time.
For the love of god BREAK UP. This is insanity. It is not a relationship, it is just stopping you from having a life.
Break up. Seriously. You two may never live in the same area. You need a boyfriend who can actually be WITH you. Plus, he’s controlling. That’s not going to get better.
I wasted 12 years of my life with an excessively jealous and tried to control me ex spouse. You’re young and will find a man instead of this boy.
Long distance doesn’t make sense the time. Sometimes practicality and real life beat out love. Sad but true. Making a relationship work is also about the time and place being right. It’s no one’s fault but it’s time to let him go. If it’s right there is always lots of future time to bring you two back together
Is your boyfriend invited?
Don’t just call his buff- full on end the relationship so he can’t backpedal when you go and use it to hold over your head until you eventually break up. Because you’re going to break up most likely. Do it now and go have fun. He’s controlling- that’s not going to get better it’s just going to get worse and yeah, like someone else said cheating is rampant in the military.
Bf sounds immature and controlling. End this doomed relationship now.
Honestly, that’s how these things start. Maybe your friend wants to keep it platonic (or maybe he doesn’t).
As someone that was in the military, engaged, my finance was in medical school and had an affair partner that was her classmate. I found out (when I flew her out to see me) she had some new sexual tricks that I guess he liked… but anyway that sucked (side note: she ended up marrying the same guy and was married for years according to what my family told me).
Long distance is temporary at best and simply doesn’t work. I never heard one peep about the guy in her class, but I’m guessing I would have been just as concerned had I known about her “friend”.
The biggest kindness you could do for your boyfriend is set him free. It’s going to be a lot harder on him then it will be for you (the military can be a lonely place), but it seems like you’re well on your way to being happily single anyway.
Just rip the bandaid off.
You’re alone and miserable in this relationship, and there’s no end date. How long are willing/ able to do this? Live your life, have fun, if he can’t deal, thats on him.
Let him go.
Enjoy making some new friends with your sister.