Me (25F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been dating for a few years now and even live together, it’s been a year since we moved in and while we’ve definitely clashed a few times it’s never been enough to tip me to my breaking point, as of lately though I’ve been feeling like he’s been more and more miserable, he’s definitely got his own struggles that would really benefit from some therapy but I know finding someone who takes his healthcare might be a bit hard, typically I listen to him vent and I’m more than happy to do that, anything if it helps him, I’ll try talking to him or I’ll try to get him something nice or a treat, i just want to do something to help, as of late there’s always something, maybe the room is too cluttered or my cats woke him up, or it’s someone bothering him or works bothering him, sometimes he’s just tired, again all I want is to do something, cheer him up a little but I feel so defeated today, like everything is just pointless, today he came to pick me up from work and I somehow managed to come back not only sunburnt, but soaking wet, I was not in a good mood, I was cold and wet but nevermind that, he’s frustrated with work again, changes being made that he’s not happy for and he’s tired, I listen to him and try my best to talk to him without interrupting but we’re not having a good day clearly,maybe 40 piece shareable nuggets wouldn’t have fixed work but I was hoping it would be nice to come home and have food delivered no need to cook, I guess that’s on me for thinking that’d be any help.
TL;DR boyfriends more upset lately and I’m trying too hard to fix things
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How are you? Are you getting your needs met, do you know what they are? It sounds like you’re doing a lot to try and help your bf be happier, yet he isn’t reciprocating or appreciative and in fact makes you feel even more bad as if you or your cats etc are contributing to his misery. He’s having a pity party and you’re catering (to) it.
Are YOU happy? I know it’s exhausting to try and help someone who doesn’t want to be happier or a more engaged and considerate partner.
Ask yourself if you might possibly have such a strong urge to help him, at least in part, as a way to try and defend YOURSELF from HIS negativity by indirectly eliminating his negativity. Maybe subconsciously. You might benefit from reading about codependency and maybe covert emotional/psychological abuse and neglect if you’re willing.
When you’re doing all you can to help someone who’s miserable, and it’s making you miserable, and they’re not helping you feel better at all, yet they make you feel like it’s all your fault and you’re so ungrateful and emotional and demanding and they’re just having a hard time give them a break……. It may be time to ask yourself how the relationship/person is ACTUALLY affecting you – not just what it once was, what you know it could be, or what the other person is promising it will be SO SOON JUST BE PATIENTTTT… best of luck. You’re not alone. It’s not your fault. There are lots of support groups out there and podcasts etc. I was once in your shoes for nearly 10 years 🙂