My boyfriend (25M) and I (28M) were together for 3.5 years. I have a career that involves frequent relocation, and about a year ago I had to move abroad (15+ hours away) for a two-year posting. We agreed to try a closed, monogamous long-distance relationship until I returned. He also planned to apply for a job within my organization to eventually build a mobile career too—his own industry wasn’t doing well, and he was open to change.
While I was away, he told me two major things:
- He had gotten a job in my organization, but it was canceled due to job cuts.
- He had realized he didn’t want kids—while I was starting to think I might want them someday.
We agreed to revisit the topic when I returned, but it became increasingly clear that we were heading in different directions—both career-wise and family-wise.
He also admitted he’d been feeling resentful while I was away. He felt stuck—like I was holding him back from living his life—especially since our futures no longer aligned. On top of that, he said he had become curious about opening the relationship, partly to manage the distance and partly out of interest in non-monogamy. I wasn’t comfortable with that—I knew jealousy would be an issue for me.
Despite still loving each other, we made the painful decision to end the relationship during his last visit. It was mutual, respectful, and emotional. We realized there was no point continuing if our long-term goals—kids and career—weren’t aligned. We’re hoping to stay friends, visit each other and stay in touch, and maybe one day reconnect if our paths align again, but for now, we’ve parted ways.
Now I’m stuck in this cloud of doubt and fear. These questions keep circling in my head:
- What if I don’t actually want kids—and I just gave up a great relationship for nothing?
- My job is mobile. Will I ever find someone who’s willing to move with me and want a family?
- I’m a gay man entering my 30s… is it even realistic to think I’ll find someone who wants kids?
- I want biological children. Is that even possible for me? Surrogacy is complicated and expensive, and I’ve heard so many stories of people hitting roadblocks.
I’m scared that I walked away from something good for the hope of something that might never happen—or worse, something I’m not even sure I want. My brain tells me I made the right call. But every other part of me wants to run back to him.
I guess I’m just posting this because I need reassurance. Did I make the right choice? I would like to hear other people’s perspectives.
TLDR: My (28M) boyfriend (25M) and I were together for 3.5 years and tried long-distance while I worked abroad. Over time, we realized we weren’t aligned on major life goals—he doesn’t want kids, and his career plans changed. We broke up mutually and still love each other. Now I’m second-guessing everything: whether I actually want kids, whether I can find someone who shares my goals, and if I gave up a good relationship for a future that may never happen.