I’m (22F) and he’s (25m). Benn together 3 years and we live together.
We used to fight almost every week about the lack of chores he does. So we got a chore chart. Now he is supposed to do the litter box, feed our 2 cats, vacuum once a week, and take out the trash. I clean the bathroom once a week, mop once a week, sweep as needed, and wipe the counters after dinner. Dishes and unloading the dishwasher is shared. We’re each supposed to cook once a week. This worked for like a month.
I do my chores. They get done usually Monday after work or throughout the work week. He works out of town half the week so I end up doing the litter box and feeding the cats half the week too. Plus trash as I have to. He’s been home this whole week because his boss decided to spend the week at the out of town job. He hasn’t fed the cats once. If he ever feeds them, he doesn’t clean out their bowls. Nothing has been vacuumed in God knows how long. Our recycling (we aren’t allowed to throw cardboard in the trash per our apartment rules) has basically taken over the entry way of our home. The trash is always full. Once it becomes overflowing I have to ask him to take it out. The litter box is the only thing he does do because his cat will yell at him and wake him up to do it. He just sets the dishes in the sink, never washes them, never unloads the dishwasher.
Through all of this, he tells me I don’t do any chores because he doesn’t see me doing them. I get home earlier because I go to work earlier. I’m stressed tf out. There’s trash everywhere. The entry way is one footstep away from being drowned in a pile of boxes.
The chore chart is my level of bare minimum cleaning and he still isn’t meeting those expectations. Plus all the invisible tasks I do like cleaning our toothbrush holder, cleaning out the fridge, organizing the pantry, gets overlooked. I’m overwhelmed.
I mean how do you say “hey you suck at doing your chores, be better” without coming off as a total AH. I don’t even want to hug the guy anymore because I feel like I’m hugging some lazy bum who lets trash build up to hoarder levels and gets asked 900 times before he does it. And it’s not like he’s even lazy. He just prioritizes fun stuff. I
TLDR; boyfriend doesn’t do his part of chores. I’m going crazy
Comments
He’s not going to change.
A chore chart for an adult is crazy.
He’s not going to change and neither are you.
He knows. He doesn’t care.
Need to move on and find someone who loves chores as much as you, or accept your partner isn’t up for chores as much as you.
Otherwise, you’ll push him away, you’ll resent him, you’ll break up. Might as well move on now.
He sucks at doing his chores and needs to do better. You need to tell him this is a dealbreaker for you. Because it should be. You don’t have to live like this.
Offer to do 100% of the chores if he pays 100% of the expenses. He doesn’t get the benefits of a stay-at-home-wife without being the sole provider.
This is who he is. He does not want to change for you. He should be single.
Do you want to be this guy’s mom for the rest of your life? If not then make your exit.
Sorry but he isn’t going to change. This is supposed to be a grown ass man and he can’t even take care of the home he lives in. He shouldn’t need a chore chart like a child. He has no incentive to do these things because he knows you will if he doesnt.
You can’t fix anyone. They fix themselves. If you’ve told him more than once, your job is done. If he doesn’t, or makes pathetic excuses, either set a time you both do chores, together, or stop and move on.
I’m not trying to sound patronising, but a change of behaviour is what the next gf will get because he already lost you when he didn’t.
Let him read this reddit post or let him read the comment section in my post… My bf saw my post and literally started taking out the trash next day
Being a slob is a choice
You’re 22 – cut your losses and find someone else who will meet your expectations. Women having to take on the mental load is real.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” -Maya Angelou
Put him in the trash! He sounds like he’s your brother not a boyfriend. You deserve better! Stay single for a while before looking for another boyfriend. You’ll be so much better off.
Stop calling them “chores.” You’re adults now. This is just basic adult responsibilities. If he can’t be an adult, just leave him and tell him that’s why. Don’t waste the prime of your life with a bum. You’re not his mom, so stop trying to make him “do his chores.”
First, stop worrying about how to communicate this without being an AH. He’s being an AH by not doing the chores he agreed to do. He’s forcing you into the position of household manager. You have to do your own chores AND keep track of what he’s done and nag him until he does it. Why should you have to do that? You’re not his mom, his personal assistant, or his maid.
You’ve given him roughly the number of chores I would expect the average 12-year-old to do. Even with that teensy bit of responsibility, he’s dragging his feet and refusing to do it. He’s fine with living in squalor, surrounded by trash and boxes. He doesn’t care about you enough to put any work into maintaining your shared space.
You’ve tried every avenue of reasonable communication. There is no secret, perfect way to ask him that will make him do better. He doesn’t care – about the housework, about the trash, about your comfort level. The way to make things better is to not live with him anymore.