Hey,
My boyfriend (25M) of 8 months cheated on me (21F) in the early stages of our relationship and I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost rn and I need advice. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months. We started talking in December 2024 and we got super close right away. We met for the first time in November and after that we met multiple times and got close quick.
My boyfriend has an addiction and foot fetish. He is very deep into his addiction. For instance, he looks at all women’s feet when we walk by, he needs to see or feel my feet to get off, he needs to masturbate before sleeping or he can’t fall asleep. It’s an addiction that has now made me suffer. In the beginning of our relationship, he met with a woman to explore his sexuality. He had done this with many women, paid them or exchanged services to fulfill his needs. He was advised by a sexologist to do this.
He met a woman at midnight and just a couple of hours later, we met at his place after work. We had a wonderful date at a lovely restaurant and then he confessed that he loved me. He said “I love you” the same day he met with this feet prostitute (or whatever you want to call it) and exchanged services. I found out about all of this yesterday. He has therefore been lying to me about this for months. He has not met with anyone else since that day.
Now writing this makes me feel ashamed, but honestly this guy is the best guy I have ever met. He takes care of me in all ways, is so emotionally intelligent, very mature, helps me in so many ways, always wants to be there for me and supports me in all ways. He is a dream and everything I’d want in a man and even more.
I’m deeply hurt by this. I have confronted him about it and he is deeply sorry. He is so regretful and ashamed of his actions. He has truly changed and come a long way with his addiction and I feel very bad for him at the same time. He has never felt normal and always felt left out because of his fetish taking over his life. He begs me for forgiveness. He has introduced his whole family to me, we have talked about the future, like moving in together, getting engaged when I graduate school (because of religious beliefs since dating is prohibited), etc.
Now I don’t know what to do. I feel numb to everything and I can’t believe that this is happening to me. What would you advise me to do? I know that no one can talk for me and say how I should handle things but I just want a perspective of things. I’m so lost. I don’t want anyone to pity me or feel bad for me. I genuinely just want advice on how to go on about this and how you would handle this?
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TL;DR:
Been with my boyfriend (25M) for 8 months. I (21F) recently found out that early in our relationship, he met with a woman to explore his foot fetish addiction – just hours before telling me he loved me for the first time. He’s been hiding this from me the entire time. He says he’s ashamed and has changed, and aside from this he’s been the best partner I’ve ever had. I feel betrayed, numb, and confused. Looking for advice or other perspectives on what to do.
Comments
Break up obviously…you’re young, he’s a lying cheat with some really immature issues to get over.
An addiction can provide a reason or an explanation, but it doesn’t provide an excuse.
A person who has an addiction is responsible for addressing that addiction (by one of various means that differ with the type of addiction) so that they do not act on the addiction in ways that are harmful to others (like, say, a partner).
So. What is he doing to address his addiction? Is he actively participating in counseling or therapy to help him redirect his urges in a healthier way?
Or is he just shrugging and saying “Welp” and using “but I have an addiction” as an excuse for why he cheated on you?
The thing is this: unless and until he sees his addiction as a problem (and therefore something he wants to change about himself) he will never address it, and that means that he will never change.
Which means that the next time he gets an overwhelming urge to service his fetish…he will, and you may or may not even find out about it.
So unless and until he seeks out some help to address his addiction (on his own, without pressure from you), you cannot have a healthy, trusting relationship with him.
> aside from this he’s been the best partner I’ve ever had.
Aside from the bullet, Abraham Lincoln’s night at the theater was wonderful.
Sometimes it’s the “this” that is the inescapable reality, which renders all of the “aside from this” stuff insufficient.
He says he’s changed. Talk is cheap. What has he done to show he’s changed?
You shouldn’t give someone that has cheated on you an opportunity, because if he has done it once, he can (will) do it another time, because he will know you will forgive him.