Around christmas time i had a dream that my boyfriend of a year was hiding something from me. A few days later when he came over for our christmas gift exchange, I asked him if he had anything to tell me. He assured me that there was nothing. I asked him what he had done that past weekend and he told me he didn’t do much. Four days later (nye) we both went out and got really drunk. We ended up back at my place. As he was sleeping i went through his phone for the first time ever whist still somewhat intoxicated. I saw that his female bestfriend had come over that weekend prior from reading their text messages.
For context, I met his friend once before and i got weird energy from her. I could have just been overthinking but it was like she was trying way too hard and being overly friendly. I also noticed she would stare at my boyfriend and i a lot. He once told me about how they hungout before at her house because she had lived with her grandmother who had passed away and she needed help taking down some furniture. I asked him if he could just let me know next time they planned on hanging out one on one.
Anyway, when i confronted him about it the next day, he told me he planned on telling me he just didn’t want any drama during the holidays and that he didn’t think it through. He also told me he wished i would have just waited for things to play out instead of goon through his phone (i know i was wrong for invading his privacy). I asked him if they had ever dated or been intimate in anyway and he assured me that they had not. Since then, i ended up finding a comment he made on her instagram picture 6 years ago (they’ve been friends since their freshman year of highschool). The comment said “DAMMMNNN”. I found another comment of his on one of their mutual friends pictures with his female bestfriend in it that said “sheeshheart eyes emoji. I confronted him about these comments and he assured me that it was just silly 16 year old him that commented that and it was nothing serious.
It’s been almost 7 months since this all happened and as much as i’ve tried and have almost succeeded, i can’t seem to let this go. Something in me feels off about this situation. I can’t tell if it’s intuition or anxiety at this point. I love him and he’s my dream guy in every other area so this has been so painful for me.
TLDR: I’m wanting some insight on this situation. How can i forgive him if at all? How will i ever know if he’s telling the truth?
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I don’t think your anxiety will be going away any time soon. I can tell you that, if I were your boyfriend, I wouldn’t want to deal with it.
This sounds like a you problem: you are constantly accusing him with no evidence but for a dream, going through his sm for comments dating back years, and going through his phone when he sleeps. If he was cheating you’d have found more than a six year old instagram comment. He sounds like he has a lot of patience but you are being unfair to accuse him all the time.
Nah, you can’t unsee the red flags just because he says “it was nothing.” If he was truly committed, he wouldn’t need to hide anything or have you digging through texts. Trust isn’t built on teenage emojis or “just wait, don’t snoop.” Either he’s playing you or you’re stuck on anxiety. either way, not a great look for “dream guy.” Forgiveness? Only if he earns it, not just because you want to.
He lied to you, his choice, he’ll now get better at it. That’s all you have to look forward to. Sorry. Good luck.
Sheesh. You sound exhausting. Your BF also sounds like jenot very honest with you.
Grow a spine, and while you’re doing that, grow up. Relationships should not be full of drama. Learn to be secure within yourself and, by extension, a good partner to someone worthy.
Since you are uncomfortable with him having a girl as a close friend, breakup. You will forever be uncomfortable with the friendship.
Repeat these mantras:
If my partner is going to cheat, nothing I try to do will prevent him from cheating.
If he does cheat, that was his choice and I will never accept blame for his behavior. My only mistake was giving him more trust than he deserved and ignoring the warning signs.
I have very specific boundaries. If someone breaks my boundaries, I will walkout of the relationship, no second chances. They are free to ignore my boundaries but they will lose me from their life.
**
He did something behind your back while you were together. He lied about it and used a poor excuse to justify his lying. You have stayed with him.
Try to remember that every time someone writes “I have a great boyfriend but…” The things that follow the “but” are things that most normal people would consider a relationship ender. Great partners don’t commit relationships ending offenses, and 90% of what you consider “great boyfriend characteristics” are probably just the absolute bare minimum.
Someone literally typed out a list of traits that she considered made her boyfriend “great” and they were literally just a list of basic chores and tasks that any adult living alone would need to do if single.
I cook. I clean. I do laundry. I make the bed. I repair broken stuff around the house. I do the grocery shopping. I feed our pets.
My wife would never consider those qualities of being a great husband. Those are just “Okay he’s trained and housebroken qualities.”
Making or buying her favorite soup when she is ill. Dropping whatever I’m doing to run out and buy her feminine products. Going out at 3 am to find an all night pharmacy to get her pain medicine. Pulling out a secret stash of her favorite candy when she needs a special treat to de-stress. Filling her gas tank up at 11:30 pm so she doesn’t have to stop on the way to work. Comforting her when she needs it without an ulterior expectation(sex). Spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and the following two days sitting next to her while she’s in a hospital bed getting a life saving transfusions.
Those are things that she would say make me a great husband, not “He knows how to wipe and wash his ass and puts the seat down after he’s done.”
Here’s the thing, all of this is coming from the fact that she has been weird in front of you in the past and it gave you a reason not to trust their relationship. The dream was probably in response to that feeling. You don’t trust him or her, now regardless of what is actually going on you will never get rid of that feeling. Even if he decided to not be friends with her anymore you will always be wondering if they are secretly meeting up or communicating. Bottom line is you have had the ick over her and there is no way to get rid of it. Once you start snooping on the phone there is no turning back
I honestly think you are being overbearing here. From what you’ve described about their interactions nothing inappropriate or weird is going on, they are long term friends who see each other sporadically. They don’t have a dating history or sexual history together, they’ve been platonic. Their texts sound normal, even when you invaded his privacy unknowingly, you found nothing. Digging your heels in over a couple comments on Instagram from six years ago is wild. They weren’t inherently sexual, they were hyping up a close friend.
I think the main issue comes from him hiding the fact they hung out in the first place, he left that part out because as he told you, he wanted to avoid the “drama”. That tells us you likely would have reacted in a way that would leave him feeling guilty due to your own negative feelings about him spending time with his friend. This isn’t his burden to bear, but your insecurity to handle. If you don’t want a boyfriend with close female friends then don’t date someone who has that. You don’t really have a right to demand him to drop this friend or stop spending time with her, and you need to control how you react to him giving you a heads up that they are going to hang out. Communication needs to be better here overall.
You sound exhausting, and the fact that you go fishing back 6 years through social media posts to things a 16 year-old posted is telling.
If you are wanting partners to be proactively transparent, then you need to create an environment of safety. This sounds like the opposite. If this is a piece of why he didn’t volunteer the information I have no idea, but it is a possibility given his comment.
Yes, trust is a two way street, however neither of you will get anywhere if you expect the other person to do the action.
Yes, being immediately fully transparent even when (especially when) there is concern for big reactions is important. I am not sure calling what he said to be lying is fair, it depends a lot on the person. I pump up my friends all the time. I love my friends, and I want them to totally rock this life.
Maybe you both will take the opportunity to grow from this. Either way, it may be that you both need a fresh page to start on.
Lies hide the truth doesn’t. Your gut isn’t wrong. GTFO and be fabulous. He ain’t it.
He lies to you because ” i got weird energy from her” and “It’s been almost 7 months since this all happened and as much as i’ve tried and have almost succeeded, i can’t seem to let this go.” – he has a friend, you’re weird about it, he cba to deal with your stupid bullshit over it. He wants to be with you, he wants to spend time with his friend. It’s not fucking rocket science.
Once it’s come to this you can’t go back. Just break up now and save the heartache
Nightmares are dreams too
Holy hell, you need to get out of this relationship immediately bc you are entirely too immature to be in one.
Grow up a bit, gain confidence in yourself, then try being in a committed relationship where you don’t base accusations on dreams & you don’t go through a near decades worth of comments to find something ‘bad’.
Seems suspicious. Doesn’t he have other friends or why is that friend so important to his life?
The fact that he hid spending time with her is also a red flag. This I didn’t want any drama blabla is honestly just bs. I was dating a guy in the past with the same kind of excuses and in the end I found out my gut feeling had been right all along and he was cheating on me.