I’m 22F and my boyfriend 25M and I have been together for 3 years.
We met at a friend’s birthday party. He wasn’t the most attractive guy, but he gave me attention and respect, and that meant a lot. A few weeks later we were in a relationship. I had a weird gut feeling from the start, but I thought it was just nerves from being in my first serious relationship.
Early on, I suspected he was lying about small things, but I always blamed myself. He’d promise me gifts all the time which I never asked for m and never followed through. One Christmas, I got him a thoughtful gift, and he said he wanted to buy me lingerie in return. But then he claimed his card “didn’t work,” so I paid for it myself. I never got the money back, so I ended up buying it for myself instead.
The next year, he said he’d get me a MacBook to thank me for always helping him. First it was “already at home,” then it was “still at the store” and “partially paid.” But it turned out none of it was true. I bought my own, and again he promised to pay me back. He never did.
He stayed at my parents’ house for a few months, claiming his dad was in the hospital and his mom was abusive. Later, I found out that wasn’t true he just wanted to stay with me.
By last September, he stopped visiting me or texting regularly. He kept saying he was “on his way,” even though he lives only 15–20 minutes from me, and he never came. I found out from my best friend (with proof) that he was flirting with other girls. I confronted him and he admitted it, swore he’d never do it again… but things didn’t improve.
He would sometimes show up for half a day, sometimes not at all. I noticed he’d only do just enough to keep me hoping. He also lied about living alone I found out he still lives with his parents when I saw his car at their house.
Then I heard from my sister that he messaged the girlfriend of her friend, asking if she knew any pretty girls for him because “we had broken up.” He even said I only used him for sex and money which is absurd. I was never with him for money; I gave far more than I got.
He apologized again, begged me not to leave, and said he’d hurt himself if I did. I gave him one last chance. He tried… for three weeks. Then he slipped back into old patterns and worse.
He hasn’t visited me on weekends for two months now.
Yesterday we had a call where I broke down crying, telling him I can’t take it anymore that he’s breaking me emotionally. He told me not to cry and promised he’d come today for sure. But now it’s been hours and I’ve heard nothing from him.
He was supposed to come today to drive my parents to the airport. They’re going away for a month and told me that if he doesn’t help, he’s not allowed to stay with me while they’re gone. He knows this and still doesn’t show up.
Worst part?
Every time I try to break up, he says: “No. That’s not going to happen. I won’t let you.”
He doesn’t yell, but he manipulates saying I’m all he has, or that he’ll hurt himself, or that I’m being unfair.
It leaves me confused and guilty every time.
⸻
I feel stuck. I know this is toxic. But when he’s with me, he’s so kind, supportive, affectionate. It’s like I get addicted to the good version of him… even though he lies constantly and disappears when I need him most.
I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I just needed to get this out of my system.
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He is an a minimum emotionally abusive. He is a pathological liar, controlling, manipulative. He is making threats to harm himself, that are likely just manipulations, but if they aren’t? He is an adult. When we are suicidal, we call 911. Simple.
You need to get out. Stop the cycle of abuse and manipulation.
You don’t live together. That means you tell him, firmly, “This relationship is over. Any attempts to contact me will be seen as harassment.” Block him. Be vigilant to stalking and harassment he may engage in. Link with local domestic violence resources.
Lmfao he’s literally just saying “nuh uh!” this is so funny just leave him dude
> Every time I try to break up, he says: “No. That’s not going to happen. I won’t let you.”
“That’s not up to you. We’re done. Goodbye and good luck.” Then you hang up, block him, and be prepared to call the cops if he shows up uninvited. Hell, write a text or an email or send a letter if you don’t trust yourself to get through a conversation, and feel free to make it clear it’s because he’s forfeited the privilege of a face-to-face goodbye by making it clear he won’t listen to what you have to say. Nor does he get to be surprised this is happening when you’ve told him repeatedly you’re not happy and things need to change and they haven’t changed (or that he’s got no one else to turn to, if this is how he regularly treats everyone in his life). But he has only as much power to stop you from walking away as you’re willing to give him. Stop giving it to him.
He’s toxic and manipulative. The fact that there are good moments or even phases is just part of the cycle of abuse. You need to break up. What’s even keeping you?
Just block him. You don’t live together. You don’t need his permission. Just block and move on. If he shows up call the police. End of story. Just be done
He lies about lots of things. I’d assume he’s lying about hurting himself if you break up. Even if he does go through with it, it would still be something he decided to do and not something you did to him.
Call his bluff. Stop letting him use himself as a hostage in his bizarre plan to go on hurting you.
You do not need his permission to break up. If you try to hurt himself call 911… it’s out of your hands at that point
Just do it via text. Block him and get tested.
Text him that it’s over and not to contact you again, then block him across all platforms. Breaking up doesn’t have to be a mutually agreed upon thing- you can make that decision for yourself. Keep your doors locked and don’t let him in if he shows up at your house. If he won’t leave, call the police. He doesn’t get to decide when it’s over, you do.
“Won’t allow it”, my ass. Just leave.
You need to run far and fast. He has aspects of narcissism. There are good you tube videos on this. My long distance bf has done similar things to me. I would send him gifts over years. He sent me 1. Recently he bought me a pair of shoes. When we had an argument he told me he was taking them back.
Find a Psychologist that can help you learn about red flags.
You deserve better. There are men who’s actions and works will align. You teach people how u want to be treated. Right now he is walking all over you.
You are the rarest, most beautiful one of a kind piece of loveliness he will never deserve!!
Regardless of what he says when you try to break up, you need to be clear that as far as you’re concerned you’re broken up. Before you say this, make sure you have anything you want from his place(you can collect it quietly) and leave whatever you’d return to him at his place so that you can say your piece and cut off contact.
He’s not mature to go away quietly or remain friends so ending things then blocking, ignoring, etc is the best course of action. I know his mental health scares you but it’s definitely a tactic to keep you from leaving and you have every right to leave at any time. If he does something stupid that would be all his doing and you’re not responsible for that.
You have all the evidence you need to show you he is not a good partner and never will be. Don’t waste more of your time and energy on him.
Just break up and block him. He can’t force you to stay with him if y’all don’t live together. If he continues to harass you, document all attempts to bother you and when you feel you have enough evidence try getting a restraining order. If he says he’s gonna hurt himself, call his parents and then the police. He is not your responsibility
WTAF. Why are you even asking? You’re way too young to put up with this bullshit – bullshit that no one no matter what age should put up with in any case. This guy is a walking red flag. Break up already and if he says he won’t allow it, tell him, well, a restraining order definitely will.
He doesn’t need to “allow” it. If you say you’re done, that’s it.
Damn – I’m really sorry you’re going through a lot.. I’ve literally just been with someone exactly like that last year, it’s been 7 months of no contact but finally managed to leave him for good.
Honestly you have to leave as soon as possible, he is very manipulative and he knows what to do to keep you, this is harder than you can handle by yourself, you need HELP from people ASAP…
Reach out to me if you need to talk or let things out but dont do this by yourself it’s impossible and you’re just going to keep looping back into him
It’s not his choice! Say it’s over and you’re blocking him and if he bothers you it will become a police matter. Period! Don’t let someone stomp all over you!
Hello break up block him and move on. He can’t stop you from dumping him! He is nuts
Only manipulators threaten hurting themselves over a breakup. Even if he did do something, that’s on him not you. You gotta let it go, clean break, you will feel immediately better as soon as you end it for good.
You don’t need his permission to dump him. Stop responding to his texts. Send him one that says “this is over, don’t come to my home anymore and if you do the police will meet you at my front door”. This is abuse. He’s abusing you by constantly lying and telling you he won’t let you leave him. You don’t stay, you leave by ghosting. Be prepared to file for a restraining order. Yes it’s that serious.
Read this book: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
When he’s with you being kind and affectionate…..he’s being manipulative. He’s narcissistic and you need to end this, no matter what he tells you or threatens you. You are not his prisoner, nor are you his property. You are your own person with a life and a heart, and I strongly urge you to ditch this guy. He has to take responsibility for himself as an adult, which he’s proving he won’t. Stop wasting your time and energy on this person who is only breadcrumbing you along.
You are really trying to build a castle outta the pebbles he’s giving you!
You don’t need permission to break up with a person! Simply end things, move on, and stand on business about the decision!
Agree with everyone. He’s dangerous. Break up with him over text and advise him not to try and contact you. If he says he will kill himself say “well, that’s on you”. If he says “I won’t let you” advise him that is a threat and you will call the police and get a restraining order. (I only say let him respond initially to your text to see if he threatens in writing so it’s easy to get a restraining order). The other option is to just break up with him via text, tell him not to contact you and immediately block, but I’m afraid he will show up at your house. But block him. Block him on everything. And do.not.unblock.him. Ever.
You don’t need his permission to break up. Just tell him it’s over and start removing him from your life.
He’ll rant and rave and act the fool, but you don’t control that. If he makes a credible threat to harm himself or others, call the police.
Sorry to say this but u need to grow a backbone & do what u know U need to do. Read what your wrote back to yourself & see what you would advise that person to do if it were not u. He’s a scrounger & liar u have said that yourself. U can do so much better. It’s gonna be hard but u know what needs to be done. U r not living together so that’s a bonus & no children. Get your life back.
“Won’t allow it”? Come on, OP. Just leave. Block and ignore. He’s torturing you for fun (any lying and cheating on you), and you’re acting like you don’t have the power to end it. What happens to him after that is NOT your problem any more.
Breaking up is not a negotiation. End it, block him and move on with your life.
There’s some great advice already about how to say he cant control that. I wanted to share I had two ex’s threaten self harm if we broke up – the first one, I told him I would reach out to his family and let them know he needs help, and he stopped. The second one, people reached out to me saying he was saying that, and I just ignored it. Neither of them self harmed.
He is totally a pathological liar. You will never be able to believe him. I dated a guy like this once. Just break up. It doesn’t matter what he says, he doesn’t own you.
I’m sorry for not reading the whole thing but…you literally started this off with “not the most attractive guy” are you serious with the advice right now? Because that alone wouldn’t get me to date anyone. You are allowed to date someone you find attractive.
You don’t need his permission to break up. He’s not going to hurt himself, and if he does, that’s not your responsibility. You are being abused and you don’t have to stay. Leave him and tell him whatever happens is on him, not you.
Take your power back.
If you are done, he doesn’t have a choice. That’s the bottom line. He may think he can control you, but no he cannot. If he tries and you’re scared for your safety or are being harassed with calls/messages/contact, get a restraining order.
Surround yourself with good people who know what’s happening – that you’re breaking up with him and he thinks you need his permission, drop his stuff off somewhere safe (maybe his parents?) – text him once it’s dropped off and say “it’s over and I don’t need your permission to break up with you” and then block him on all social media/phone/email.
He is abusive and he’s only going to get worse. Get out while you still can. You are what, 22? Your life is far from over. Be strong and be safe.
You need to block him everywhere (phone, email, social media, WhatsApp, literally everything). I would also suggest changing your number. Lastly, find a trauma therapist to help you work through all of this and unpack what kept you in this relationship for so long.
So sorry you’ve been through all this and I hope you heal and never find yourself with such a pos ever again. 🫶🏾
Edit for clarity: Don’t tell him you’re breaking up. Simply block him and never speak to him again. If he pops up, call the police. If he keeps doing it, get a restraining order.
my biggest Takeaway on this is you don’t seem to understand you have agency, you don’t need permission to break up with someone. You tell him what you’re gonna do you’re breaking up with him and then you do it so that means you have to follow through on the actions of breaking up, which means you don’t hang out with him. You don’t call him. You don’t talk to him.
block him on everything and never talk to him again
if he shows up at your door, call the police
you talk like you want to keep engage with him, like you can’t stop yourself from keeping him in your life. And we all know that’s not true you can walk away anytime you want people do it all the time
so you need to go to therapy to find out why you insist on rolling around in all these red flags….
He is abusive. Who cares what he allows? Dump him.
Message him
” I’m gonna be straight with you here I’m use to you letting me down thats all you have done our whole relationship. But now you’ve upset my parents and they don’t want you in their house and frankly neither do i. I’m sick of you thinking you can lie and walk all over me. Here is what’s gonna happen. We are done. I will be changing my number as I’m sick of your emotional manipulation.
If you contact me or show up at my place, I’ll call the police. If you threaten self-harm I’ll call your parents and the police. So do everyone a favour and leave me alone. Take care.”
Then block him and call your phone company up and ask them to change your number.
Stop letting him emotionally abuse you.
A break up isn’t always mutual. You don’t have to stay in the relationship no matter what he says. However alert your family and friends because guys who won’t allow you to break up with them can be dangerous.
You don’t need his permission honey. Text him “I’m done”. Then block him on everything. And then take some time for yourself. A long time. You need to find your self worth again which you seem to have lost with this idiot. He is toxic.
You’re too young to go through a relationship like this. You need to break up and don’t need his agreement. Say you’re done and block him. I seriously think you should look into therapy immediately after. You won’t escape this pattern unless you change yourself mentally.
He is a controlling freak. Don’t ask for permission to leave. Just dump the loser. If he keeps harrassing you, call the cops. And forget about the good version. That is the controlling part.
What does it mean “try to break up” just leave it. This is not serious…
Honestly didn’t read the whole thing, you don’t need ANYONE’S PERMISSION EVER to break up with someone. If he’s threatening violence if you do, then get help to get away safely, but the idea of staying just because someone says “I forbid you” is absolute madness.
The “good version of him” is an act to draw you back in. No such person.
Breaking up is something you do. He doesn’t have to agree or disagree.
It means: You say clearly—verbally (over the phone for your own safety), and in writing (with witnesses in both cases, bc you may need them)—“I’m breaking up with you. I want no further contact with you in any form, directly or indirectly. If you don’t respect this, I’ll seek a restraining order against you.”
Then YOU make sure to block him everywhere and avoid places you frequented together. He should not show up at any of “your” places—your gym he didn’t use before, the coffee shop you go to with your mom, whatever.
If you two have possessions to exchange, you communicate arrangements for that to him in your first, only, and final statement as mentioned above. It might be something like, “I’ll box up x,y, and z to have [name] drop at yours by [ date.] [Name] expects to hear from you to receive my things within the next month and that’s the only contact you should have with them.”
Be clear, concise, and complete. Just do it. Hang up and don’t look back and don’t violate your own rules.
At the first violation, go for a restraining order. Don’t wait.
Have someone with you and the phone on speaker—better yet, video call—when you deliver the message.
He’s not even manipulating you. He’s just like nooooo feel sorry for me and you’re like “Okay”.
Stop doing that.
If he says he’s going to hurt himself, call 911/999. This is because if he is not lying, someone trying to harm themselves is an emergency. If he is lying which he is), it is a Valuable Learning Experience for him to know that when you threaten to harm yourself, what happens isn’t that you keep your gf—it’s that you have a super super awkward conversation with some EMTs.
Who gives a fuck if he says you’re all he has? Maybe he’d have more if he weren’t a lying asshole. Oh no, lying asshole guy thinks you’re being unfair. Guess you have to keep dating him /s. I have no idea why you keep believing this dude. Honestly, you need to have more respect for yourself. You’re valuing this dude, who lies to you constantly, more than you value yourself. Stop giving a fuck what he wants. He doesn’t care how you feel when he’s lying to you and trying to cheat on you.
Your job is to protect yourself and you’re acting like it’s to protect him. Stop protecting the people who treat you badly.
Contact the local Domestic Abuse shelter and get help getting away clean. Put a freeze on your credit. Get the paperwork to change your name and make sure the records are sealed when you do. Get another phone with a new number now don’t activate it but connect via wifi and transfer ONLY your contacts to it. Assume your current phone is hacked and probably being tracked. Return your current phone to factory settings and throw it in the bed of a random pickup with out of state plates. Go dark – DO NOT contact him. Get another job or change locations in your current job if possible. Move. You are in an extremely dangerous situation and you need to get out ASAP.
He doesn’t have to allow it. If you’ve had it, the relationship is over. If he threatens to harm himself, tell him you’re taking it seriously and call 911. And still be done with him.
Tell him one more time that you’re breaking up with him, and then block him on everything. Don’t let him in the house. Tell all your friends that you’ve broken up with him.
He doesn’t get to decide if you’re breaking up with him.
Break up. If he says he is going to hurt himself call the police. If you’re afraid he will come to your house, go stay somewhere else or have someone stay with you. You shouldn’t be afraid of your partner. He offers you nothing.
He needs to be punk’d.
There are men in the world who are kind, supportive, and affectionate without the abuse attached to it
Got a brother? Father? Uncle? Adult male friend? They need to talk with him privately. You’ll be all set.
I think you’ve done a really great job explaining everything that’s happened and how it’s impacted you. This sounds so difficult to go through. It sounds kind of like you’ve reached a breaking point. You’ve been prioritising this person for a really long time, and he’s someone that has meant a lot to you and has a lot of good qualities. But that also means he is capable of doing these things, and there’s maybe a bit more intentionality when he isn’t. Is he being nice because he cares about you, or because he is manipulating you? Is it really nice at all?
A breakup doesn’t need to be a conversation. It can range from moving and never contacting the person again, or messaging them and their parents to say bye and let them know to check in on him if he might be struggling. You can only take on so much, if he is going to hurt himself then you’re only responsibility is to let whatever local authorities or support providers know. If making you sad stops him hurting himself, do you think that is a reasonable price?
Please be careful if your family are about to leave you alone in a house for a month. Consider inviting another person over or staying with someone. I know you said he hasn’t yelled and he may not be violent, but he has threatened to harm himself, and he has denied your autonomy and manipulated you, and it’ll be a vulnerable time and good to have some support aside from anything else.
Call your friends over for company.
Text him “Don’t bother coming, ever again. We’re over.”
Block him everywhere.
If he shows up tell him to piss off or you’re calling the cops.
If he doesn’t piss off do so.
Get over the breakup by living your life (it will hurt, but it’ll get better eventually)
Done
This person doesn’t love you, he loves what you do for him and he would leave you sooner or later as soon as he finds a new idiot who will do everything for nothing in return. You deserve better.
This makes me think of one specific guy i was with for almost 3 years I think? before I finally broke it off with him for good. He used me for everything, all the while constantly dating other women, and it wasn’t until the end that I had concrete proof and I suspect he was doing the same the whole damn time. He lied about everything. Would disappear for weeks at a time, left me in the hospital alone to deal with an ectopic pregnancy, would always promise to come home (he was somewhat living with me) and just never show. He would get me gifts but I figured it was shit he was stealing from other people, both male and female friends of mine came forward (after) saying he had hit on them, etc. It was such a low time in my life, and he took full advantage of it. After we broke up, he lost mad weight because i wasn’t financially suplementing him anymore and tried to get me to cosign an apartment for him. I laughed in his face and said absolutely not. I wish it ended there but a year or so later after getting out of another bad relationship I had nowhere to go and he gave me a place to stay, which was until he started raping me. Anyway, run far far away from someone like this. It won’t end well and while he might not be as bad as my ex, there are a lot of similarities and I can tell you without a doubt, the shit he is putting you through will stick with you for a very long time after. I still have dreams(nightmares about him) and its been almost 8 years since ive had any contact with him. Get out and block him on absolutely everything.
Nothing is attractive about a guy acting this way boo
Clean up time 🗑️
Nope, you already decided you were done with him. It is not his place to decide whether you’re “allowed” to leave him.
Take his ass to court for the money he owes you.
Lol – you don’t need his permission to break up with him.
Just break up, block him, and move on.
Pretend your BFF or someone you truly cares about calls and tells you that this is happening to them, what advice would you give them?
Guessing it would be to run like hell and get out of this toxic relationship. Give yourself the same advice and follow thru.
You deserve to be treated with respect, never forget that
You don’t need his permission.
Um why are you answering him at all? You don’t live together and you don’t need his permission to end this. Just. Stop? He’s a bad person. You are asking your abuser to allow you to get away from abuse. Stand up for yourself and just hang up on him. Block him. Just stop.
Girl. You don’t need his permission to break up! Just say, “I’m breaking up with you” and then block him. Whatever he does after that is his choice, NOT your responsibility. But we both know he’s not going to hurt himself, he’ll just go be with one of the girls he’s been cheating on you with. He won’t even be sad for a day. You mean nothing to him. If you did, he’d stop lying to you and show up for you.
Use the block button.