I (23F) and my boyfriend (26m) have been together for 10 months. I feel like my boyfriend just doesn’t like who I am sometimes. I want to start by saying—I’m at least somewhat self-aware. I know I can be annoying, overly sensitive, forgetful, the world’s biggest procrastinator. I tend to shut down when I’m upset, and yeah, there are definitely things I need to work on.
I also have CPTSD. I’m not using that as an excuse, but it has shaped a lot of how I function. Some days it’s manageable—like standing in two feet of water. Other days it feels like I’m drowning. And realistically, this is probably something I’ll have to manage for the rest of my life.
With my boyfriend, it sometimes feels like instead of supporting me, he just wants to change me—or make me feel bad about who I am. We’ve been together 10 months. He’s constantly telling me to get a new job. And to be fair, my job does suck—the company’s awful, the people are worse. But my parents are about to retire and move, so I’ll be on my own soon. I need to save every penny I can right now so I’m not stuck when they leave. He calls that “greedy.” He’s even telling me I have to live on my own if our relationship can progress which is fair to a degree. But, he lives rent-free with his brother. I don’t have that luxury.
He’s even threatened to break up with me over the job situation. As if I can just snap my fingers and land a better one. He’s done this before too—he threatened to leave me because I didn’t have a driver’s license at 23. I get how that might seem ridiculous to some, but I never had help from my parents. And the older I got, the more intimidating it became. But I put in the work, took lessons, and got my license. And only after that was I “allowed” to meet his parents. He constantly tells me he cant keep forcing me to do things and our “big talks” consist of him pointing things about me that I’m not doing right. At this point I shut down knowing that most of the time he’s right. I need a new job, I needed to get my license, I have to move out. I don’t have anything to say about it other than “you’re right”. Which for some reason angers him more because I’m not saying the right things. I don’t know what he wants me to say. I don’t disagree with him. Trust me I’m sadly stuck in my head 24/7 and the same few things run through my mind all the time.
Recently I tried bringing up thats its almost our 1 year anniversary and his response was “theres things we need to talk about before we plan that”. Another “big talk”
I feel like a lot of it isn’t fair to throw in my face when I never dogged him for motivation having a job for 6 months. Or that he lives with his brother or even that he has 500$ to his name.
It honestly feels like he’s always finding something new to hold over me. Adding that he doesn’t want to need to support me financially (he’s never supported me financially and trust me I have way more than 500$ saved) Lately, he’s even started straight-up telling me when I’m being “annoying.” Even getting mad at me for not being able to pick a restaurant to eat at (a pretty standard problem for every relationship 💩) I don’t know what to do anymore. I am trying to figure my life out, but having someone constantly threaten me or criticize me while I’m doing it… it’s exhausting. It makes me feel completely defeated.
TL;DR;: I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for 10 months, and lately I feel more criticized than supported in our relationship. I struggle with CPTSD and know I have personal challenges to work on, but instead of feeling encouraged, I feel like my boyfriend constantly points out my flaws—my job, my living situation, even my emotional responses. He’s made harsh comments, threatened to break up over things like not having a license (which I’ve since gotten), and dismissed my efforts to save money as “greedy.” Meanwhile, I never judged him for not working for months or living rent-free. I’m trying to grow, but the constant pressure, comparisons, and conditional affection are making me feel defeated and unsure of where I stand.
Comments
It’s been 10 months. You should feel really embraced and cherished and supported by your partner. Like they love who you are and fully accept and embrace you. You shouldn’t feel like they are trying to change you or don’t even like you and are annoyed by you a whole bunch. Any time you feel like a partner holds that sort of animosity to you on a recurring basis, you should break up with them. Somebody who feels like that is never going to treat you right. A good relationship will feel way different.
Let him leave.
I’m sure you can do better.
This guy sucks. Please leave him. A good partner would never say or do these things to you.in fact, this feels manipulative and emotionally abusive. I have a 12 year happy marriage. My wife has always supported me with my CPTSD. I can’t imagine if she had treated me the way your boyfri3nd has. I’m sending you a big hug.
I think in the process of laying all this out, you’ve kind of answered your own question. He sounds like he’s kind of emotionally immature. And hasn’t made any efforts to establish himself financially or career wise…while placing all these expectations and conditions on you, even though it sounds like you’re the one actually being pragmatic/realistic about your finances. Not sure how that equates to being greedy. Weird take.
10 months is early days but it’s also long enough to have a sense of what kind of person he is, and if he’s the right person to navigate through life’s challenges with you in a supportive and caring way. From an outside perspective…it doesn’t sound like he is.
10 months too long. He’s belittling you and always needs to feel superior. That’s not a boyfriend, he wants to be your owner. Get out.
What you’re describing is emotional abuse. No matter what you do, it’s not going to get better. He’ll just find something new to hold over your head so he can constantly keep you on the defensive.
Kick him to the curb. Find somebody who likes you and encourages you.