My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6.5 years at this point, pushing 7 this coming October. We started dating when we were 20. For years I always wanted us to live together, but I was also 22-24 saying that and now I’m almost 27 and want something different. (Though, keep in mind, we could’ve moved out years ago if he really wanted to. He had the money to pay for an apartment and I could’ve helped with bills and groceries but he didn’t want to. I was literally researching apartments at that time!) I just finished nursing school at a community college and have lived at home all my life and realized I never had the opportunity to live with a friend. My best friend and I agreed a year ago to move in together for just 1 year once I was done with school and here we are. I told my boyfriend this as soon as my bestie and I made the decision and I reassured him it doesn’t mean I love him any less or that I don’t value our relationship. I absolutely adore him! But I would be upset with myself if I skipped a milestone like that in my life. (I would like to throw in that he also really likes my bestie and they get along well!)
I would also like to grow more as a person and learn what my personal habits are. I want to know that I can financially support myself and that I can take care of myself on a whole different level. I’ve explained this to him many times and he refuses to understand where I’m coming from. Every time I try to talk about it with him, he gets upset and ends the conversation. I totally understand his point of view of wanting to live together now, but I don’t want to be forced into something I don’t want to do at this very moment. He’s not respecting my decision or being supportive in any way. Today was the first time my friend and I went to look at a place and I asked him to come with me and he refused to come. He was being so rude over the phone and genuinely hurt my feelings. He said “what’s the point of me going if I’m not living there.” I simply wanted his opinion and support! He hasn’t spoken to me all day because he’s angry.
Plus, I don’t know if this is “old fashioned”, but I want a ring on my finger before moving into a place with my partner. I know we started dating young, but I genuinely believe “when you know, you know” and he has yet to propose after 7 years. I made it clear what I wanted and mentioned an engagement before so he’s well aware of it. All in all, am I in the wrong?
TLDR: My boyfriend is ignoring me because he doesn’t want me to live alone first and wants me to move in with him right away, despite me saying I want commitment with an engagement because we’ve been together for almost seven years, but I also just want to experience living with my best friend for just a year.
Comments
You sound pretty sensible to me. His ego is bruised. Stick with your plan if you can, it will be good for you as a person & make you a better life partner too.
You are being completely smart about this.
You’re not wrong. Living with my best friend in our mid-20s was one of the best experiences of my life. Highly recommend.
This new adventure will have many gifts for you, some of which may not look like gifts from the outside. Learning your boyfriend’s selfish attitude about you doing something on your own may turn out to be one such gift.
Enjoy the apartment hunt and roomie/bestie life!!
It is so refreshing to see a young woman come on here with a completely healthy outlook on relationships. You are doing amazing.
Being financially independent is very important and you should know that you are capable of sustaining yourself before falling into a trap of staying in a bad relationship because you can’t afford to go… that so many women do
It should really be a requirement for people to live on their own before cohabitating. It’s important to know who you are on your own. This also doesn’t mean he spends all his time at yours. Where has he been living all this time? With parents, saving for a house? Valid point to why aren’t you engaged. Do your and his 5 year / 10 year plans align?
How often did your bf bring up living together – prior to you making this plan to share an apt with your best friend? If he was waiting for you to graduate and have an income before living together, did he say that? did he propose that at all?, or is he just annoyed because he sees it as you “moving on” without him and is just scared you’re going to break up with him?
As long as you are confident of your decision to live with your best friend, just move along with those plans. All you can do is reassure him. He can be not thrilled about it, but he can’t stop you.
Don’t ask bf to look at apt’s, he’s right- he’s not living there so it doesn’t matter what he thinks about it. You and your friend have to be happy with what you choose.
Sounds like he only wants things on his terms. Honestly, you both should live out from under your parents before moving in together so you learn how to adult and get a chance to see what that actually means fir the other person before committing to live together and finding out that your expectations of adulting are completely different.
Before my husband and I got married we were medium distance for 4 years. Saw each other every weekend. To kind of cope with the desire to live together but the inability to, we’d say “we have the rest of our lives to get sick of each other.” This might not take super well but if things get a bit lighter for you two, maybe this is a funny little perspective you can take on. I find it actually motivates us to push that day out as far as possible and do things to prevent getting sick of each other lol.
I think living alone is critical before moving in with a partner if you want a smoother transition. When you are aware of your habits (good and bad), you can explain them better when things don’t mesh. “Sorry, I know you don’t understand why I have a pile of clothes on that chair, but I used to leave my clothes laying around the floor so this is a habit I’ve built to fix that one” etc etc. you’ll have more tolerance for each other when you can kinda understand why they do the things they do. Maybe this is a point you can bring up to him, and frame things in a “what I’m doing will benefit our relationship in the long run.” You’ll feel more fulfilled having completed this goal and you’ll have better self awareness you can carry into your relationship.
But also try to hear him out once he communicates to you about what is bothering him. It might be something deeper that he’ll simply need reassurance for. You may find yourselves coming to some sort of compromise (him staying over on the weekends and such).
I have a different/unpopular opinion based on what I’ve seen in the comments, and I’m kind of surprised. You want him to propose after 7 years, but you don’t want to live together in that same amount of time? I can’t imagine even considering marriage before I’ve lived with someone.
You’re valid in wanting to live with a friend before living with your SO, but you may want to actually try to consider and validate your partner’s feelings if you plan to continue this relationship.
Look, I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling what you do, but I can also see your boyfriend’s perspective here. For years you wanted to live together and now that he’s ready, you’ve turned around and changed your mind. Which is fine, just obviously your boyfriend needs to adjust to that, and he’s not doing a very good job of it.
What did your boyfriend say when you told him you want to be engaged before living with him? And how long ago did you tell him that? For many people, living together is the last compatibility check before getting engaged. If your boyfriend feels that way, then the two of you need to talk more about how to resolve this or your relationship is at a standstill.
All in all? No, this is sound decision-making on your part. I kinda feel he’ll get over it and enjoy the time you have with your BFF. Hopefully, he’ll enjoy watching you discover yourself in a new way.
If he doesn’t get over this, then perhaps he has a little bit of maturing to do before you guys move along further.