My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We don’t argue often, but when we do, it feels really one-sided and emotionally exhausting — like I’m the only one who gets upset while he stays completely detached.
A recent example: he’s petsitting at his brother’s place, and I was planning to visit for the day. Last time I was there, they barely had any hand soap. We were already going to stop at the store for snacks and drinks, so I said, “Let’s grab some soap too.”
What followed was 10 minutes of back and forth. He said it’s not our problem, told me to bring soap from home, then said to use the one downstairs (which is moldy and basically empty). Every time I explained why that didn’t make sense, he’d push back or offer a half-solution, until I finally asked, “Why are we even arguing about this?”
His response? “I’m not arguing. I don’t care about this. You’re the one getting worked up.”
And this is how it always goes. It starts with something small, turns into a pointless debate, and by the end I feel crazy and frustrated while he’s completely unaffected. He says he’s “just talking” — but it doesn’t feel that way to me.
I know it sounds like a tiny issue, but it’s not really about the soap. It’s about how he handles things — brushing off my concerns, getting weirdly argumentative over nothing, and then acting like I’m the only one upset. I end up feeling like I’m talking to a wall, and it’s exhausting.
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I rarely argue, but when we do, it feels one-sided and emotionally draining. Even small things turn into long debates where I get upset and he stays cold and detached. I don’t know if this is something that can change or if I’m just being too sensitive.
Comments
“If you aren’t arguing and you don’t care, then I’m going to buy some hand soap now”
Look back to see if it’s a pattern that every idea that’s yours is the wrong idea.
Like, no matter what idea you have, he has to have an alternative.
Does this happen? Think about it.
Yea…. This is frustrating… like he’s trying to solve a problem that isn’t there.
Just tell him you’ve decided to buy hand soap and you don’t care if he has a problem with it, and then stop engaging. Like he says he doesn’t have an issue with it, then great, problem solved!
My husband does this shit too, and it’s like they have to try to figure out an alternative solution to a problem you already solved. I literally just make it clear I’m not looking for opinions or his input and that shuts the conversation down normally.
Agreed. Something feels off about this. Why does he care if you buy soap as opposed to bringing it from home? It also feels like he’s gaslightimg you a little with the “you’re the one getting work up” comment. This whole post just feels slimy. Definitely take a step back and think about things.
I don’t think you are too sensitive, but I feel like, especially with the example given, you also need to pick your battles a bit better.
In the end, you two were arguing about this because your boyfriend didn’t want you to buy the soap. That’s just it. He didn’t want you to do it, but decided to not communicate that to you and instead offered his half-baked solutions. And when you then called him out on it, he still didn’t tell you why he didn’t want you to buy the soap and instead claimed he wasn’t arguing – the goal being that he wanted you to feel stupid about the soap and end up not buying it as a result.
If this is how he usually is, the the question is why he doesn’t just tell you that he disagrees with you. I mean, it could be for many reasons – childhood trauma and learned behavior because he got punished if he disagreed, him trying to manipulate you to drop things, him doing it this way because he knew he would otherwise show unhealthy anger issues and that’s his way of controlling them, being completely confrontation-averse… there are many options.
And there are even more options when it comes to what you are arguing about. Let’s take your example. I mean, how did you know that just because there was no soap last time, there would also be no soap now? And it really wasn’t your problem – and you also don’t know what type of soap the brother likes, if there is a reason why there is no soap around (maybe he hates soap and instead uses desinfectant gel or something) and a lot else. Also do you and your partner have combined finances?
As you can see, there is a lot that goes even into this argument which isn’t really about the soap. Maybe your boyfriend knows that his brother is a pig and doesn’t wash his hands and doesn’t want to “call him out” and thus reacted like that, stonewalling you and thus avoiding conflict. Maybe he thinks you spend too much money, but doesn’t want to look controlling by telling you to stop spending. Maybe, maybe, maybe…
Overall, though… no matter what, if your boyfriend doesn’t want to change, he won’t. You can’t change others and he seems happy with how these things are going. Change is also really hard and, given that this is about communication, likely a case for couples counselling. And stuff like that only works if he’s 100% wanting to work on changing. It won’t stick otherwise, if he’s even willing to go to counselling with you. So honestly, the situation might be worse – it might be something that can’t/won’t change and you are also not too sensitive. It might be a case of you being stuck with someone who doesn’t want to communicate in a healthy way.
I’m confused about the argument you describe. You guys went to the store together. You suggested buying something. He said it wasn’t necessary. Why didn’t you say, “Hmm, maybe not, but I’m going to get it anyway”? Why did you have to convince him?
>We were already going to stop at the store for snacks and drinks, so I said, “Let’s grab some soap too.”
>What followed was 10 minutes of back and forth.
For this issue, my advice would be to not say anything about it in advance. Just add the soap to the shopping basket when you’re in the store. Making a statement about it beforehand sounds like it’s a topic up for discussion – at least he seems to be interpreting it as an invitation to argue or “just talk about it.” And you don’t have to participate in his “arguments” or convince him that you’re right.
Since this is part of a larger pattern, you need to dig into the “he brushes off my concerns” part of your post – on your own, on your own in individual therapy, with him directly, and/or with couples’ counseling.
People who pull this shit are the worst and I don’t advise building a life with them.
He knows exactly what he’s doing. You make a low-stakes suggestion or state a mundane opinion, he flatly contradicts/dismisses it in a tone that suggests you’re stupid for thinking that way, you’re taken aback and try to state your reasoning, he continues to contradict and/or dismiss you, and before you know it, “I like waffles” has turned into 3 hours of desperately explaining why that doesn’t mean you hate pancakes to a guy who is coolly looking down his nose at your foolishness for speaking in the first place.